( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BUT AT LEAST TRUMP
HAS A LAWYER IN THE STORMY DANIELS CASE, WHICH IS MORE THAN
HE CAN SAY FOR THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
LAST WEEK, TRUMP'S LEAD ATTORNEY RESIGNED --
AND, FOR A MINUTE, IT LOOKED LIKE TRUMP WAS GOING TO REPLACE
HIM WITH HUSBAND AND WIFE LAWYER TEAM, VICTORIA TOENSING AND HER
HUSBAND, JOSEPH DIGENOVA, SEEN HERE PLAYING THE EVIL FOSTER
PARENTS WHO WANT TO SEND BEETHOVEN TO THE POUND.
BUT THEN THEY SAID THEY COULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE OF CONFLICTS OF
INTEREST.
AND YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS REJECTED BY TWO MORE PROMINENT
ATTORNEYS, TOM BUCHANAN AND DAN WEBB, WHO BOTH REJECTED AN OFFER
TO JOIN PRESIDENT TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM, CITING BUSINESS
CONFLICTS.
"OH, I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR LAWYER, DONALD, BUT I'VE GOT CONFLICTS!
TURNS OUT, I'M ALREADY SCHEDULED TO RIDE A MECHANICAL BULL MADE
OF CHEESE GRATERS THEN SQUAT IN A BOWL OF GIN.
AND I'D RATHER DO THAT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MECHANICAL BULL FANS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS IN THE MIME RODEO FOR A WHILE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THIS PART'S WEIRD.
SOME PEOPLE ARE SPECULATING THAT ROBERT MUELLER MAY HAVE TOLD
TRUMP THAT MUELLER HAD CONCERNS ABOUT TRUMP'S OWN
RIGHTS.
AND THAT "DILIGENT PROSECUTORS, WHEN THEY SEE A DEFENDANT DOING
SOMETHING PROFOUNDLY DANGEROUS TO THEIR SELF-INTEREST,
INCLUDING HIRING LAWYERS WHO HAVE CONFLICTS, WILL RAISE IT
WITH THE DEFENDANT AND SUGGEST THEY RETHINK IT."
IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN CLEARLY THE BEST LAWYER TRUMP HAS
AGAINST ROBERT MUELLER IS ROBERT MUELLER.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK JUST FOR EVERYONE'S
SAKE, MUELLER SHOULD ARGUE BOTH SIDES.
"YOUR HONOR, THE PRESIDENT HAS CLEARLY COMMITTED A FLAGRANT ACT
OF TREASON."
"THIS IS NONSENSE, YOUR HONOR.
MR. TRUMP IS A PATRIOT AND PUBLIC SERVANT."
"I OBJECT!" "OVERRULED!
I'M THE JUDGE NOW, TOO!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) "I SAID, GOOD DAY!"
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) I RARELY BREAK A SWEAT UP HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE -- I WANT TO SQUEEGEE
ME OFF AFTER THIS.
MEANWHILE, ON THE INTERNATIONAL FRONT, THERE'S SPECULATION ABOUT
A VISIT TO BEIJING BY NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG UN AND --
GET THIS -- HE'S ARRIVING ON A MYSTERY TRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) A MYSTERY TRAIN!
IT'S LIKE "MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS," AND I AM ALREADY
REGRETTING USING THE WORD "ORIENT."
MY APOLOGIES.
SOURCES SAY NORTH KOREA HAS A MYSTERIOUS GREEN
TRAIN THAT FOR YEARS HAS BEEN USED FOR NORTH KOREAN LEADERS TO
MAKE SECRET TRIPS.
IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO THROW PEOPLE OFF YOUR TRAIL.
"WHERE COULD THAT MYSTERY TRAIN BE GOING?
COULD IT BE THE TRACK?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS EASILY THE MOST
DETECTABLE TRANSPORT FOR A LEADER SINCE KAISER WILHELM'S
ENIGMA ZEPPELIN!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, LITTLE IS KNOWN ABOUT THIS MYSTERY TRAIN-- IT'S A BIT OF
A... TRAIN.
BUT WE DO KNOW THAT IT'S BEEN IN USE FOR DECADES, AND THAT KIM
JONG-UN'S FATHER, KIM JONG-IL, EVEN HAD IT DECKED OUT FOR
LAVISH PARTIES, BOUTS OF HEAVY DRINKING, AND KARAOKE.
SOUNDS FUN, UNTIL YOU'RE TRAPPED IN THE DINING CAR WITH A
MURDEROUS MADMAN SINGING "CRAZY TRAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ AEEE, AEEE ♪
NO OZZY FANS?
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, FOR SECURITY ALL OF
THE TRAIN CARRIAGES ARE BULLETPROOF, BUT THE ADDITIONAL
WEIGHT MEANS THE TRAIN CAN REACH A MAXIMUM SPEED OF JUST 37 MILES
PER HOUR.
SO WHILE YOU CAN'T SHOOT IT, YOU CAN BEAT IT IN A BIKE RACE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE "NEW YORK TIMES" CALLED IT
BULLETPROOF, SLOW AND FULL OF WINE.
ALSO THE TITLE OF SYLVESTER STALLONE'S COMEBACK MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
SAM BEE IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IS JOHN BOLTON GOING TO KILL US ALL?
STICK AROUND.