- You know what, I can't do it.
I'm not really good in balance.
- I don't do that sort of thing.
- Are you shaking?
- I do work at a dispensary though.
- And now you're kinda looking down this way,
you won't look at me even though you have glasses on.
Why?
(police siren wailing) I'm Jim Huertas,
former law enforcement, 12 years.
Today I'm gonna see who's stoned.
(suspenseful music)
That's a motley looking crew.
How 'bout you first?
What's your name? - All right.
Destiny.
- Destiny, have a seat please.
- Oh, we're standing. - Yeah.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- Having a good day?
- I am, how 'bout you?
- I'm having a great day.
When was the last time you ate?
- Oh God, lunchtime, so probably noon.
I know, I'm like, what time is it?
- Yeah? Okay. - Yeah, it's been a while.
- What do you do for fun?
- When I'm not busy, I like to walk my dog.
I enjoy spin classes, that's kinda fun.
Art is fun.
I dunno, young people things, going dating.
- Oh, young people things. - Young people things.
- Well, I don't know what that is.
- You know, like,
farmer's markets. - I'm old, I don't know.
Oh okay. - Festivals.
- Well, that's old people things too.
- Okay, well you know, all people things.
- Ah, (laughs) perfect.
Okay, I don't need any more questions.
- Okay, thank you. - Thanks.
How 'bout you, sir?
- How's it going?
- Good, what's your name?
- Jeff, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you as well.
- What do you do for a living, Jeff?
- I work here at Buzzfeed. - Oh, you do.
- Mm-hmm. - Oh.
When was the last time you ate?
- It was at noon.
I ate with Destiny at lunch. (Jim laughs)
I was like, right when you asked that question earlier,
I was like, what did I eat for lunch?
But yeah, noon. (Jim laughs)
- And what do you do for fun?
- Play basketball,
play beach volleyball since we're out here now,
and then just binge-watch TV shows when I can.
- Gotcha.
You say out here now.
Where ya from? - So I'm from Indiana.
- You gonna take your glasses off and let me see your eyes?
- Nah, we can't do that. - Ah, man, you're hobblin' me.
All right Jeff, thank you.
- Appreciate it.
- How 'bout you?
- Hi.
- And your name?
- Irene.
- Irene, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
- Have a seat.
Do you live here?
- I live in south central LA.
- And how long have you lived there?
- My whole life. - The whole thing, huh?
You ever travel?
- Yeah, I do.
- Where do you travel to?
- I been to New York, Kentucky,
Florida, Alaska. - All right.
- Louisana.
- Nowhere out of the country though?
- No, not yet.
- When did you last eat?
- Just about maybe-- - Noon?
- 25 minutes ago. - (laughs) Oh, okay.
What did you eat?
- There was a bunch of different things
and toppings I could choose from, so I just kinda--
- Was it good? - Yeah, it was.
- Yeah? I think that's good.
- Yeah, you sure? - I am.
- And how 'bout you, sir?
And your name?
- Brenden.
- Brenden, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- Hands are cold, Brenden.
- Ah yeah, I got cold hands, cold feet, all day long.
- Cold hands, cold feet. - That's me.
- Hmm. You nervous?
- No, not at all.
- Not sitting across from a cop?
Doesn't make you nervous?
- No, I have nothing to be nervous about.
- Is your mouth dry?
No? - No.
- Why are you licking your lips and your teeth?
- Well, I have chapped lips.
- Oh, well you know that makes them even more chapped,
the more you lick 'em.
- Does it really? - It does, yeah.
- Well, I've learned something today.
- But you're licking your teeth
more than you're licking your lips.
- That's hyper-specific.
- And now you're kinda looking down this way.
You won't look at me even though you have glasses on.
Why?
- It's all a ruse.
- It's all a ruse. - Mm-hmm.
- You're trying to trick me.
- I'm working you hard, man.
- Oh, you're working me hard.
All right, when did you last eat?
- About 30--
- I don't care when you last ate, I truly don't care.
It's just something to get you to talk.
Can you go like this?
You can't stick your tongue out further than that?
Okay, perfect.
What did you eat?
- Two packages of Ritz peanut butter crackers
(laughs) which does sound incriminating.
- You're almost making this real easy (laughs),
almost making it real easy.
How'd you get to work today?
- I drove.
- Do you work here? - I do.
- Okay, perfect.
What's your favorite way of getting high?
- I don't do that sort of thing.
- Okay. Not at all? - No.
- It's legal in the state. - Yeah, it's just--
- So I mean it's-- - Yeah, you know,
it's just not my cup of tea.
- It's not your cup of tea.
I think I'm good, thanks.
How about I have you come back down for a second?
- Sure.
- You don't mind, do ya? - No, mm-mm.
- Can you stick your tongue out for me?
That's as far, ah, can't go farther?
Ahhh.
- I got a short tongue.
- And how did you get to work today?
- I drove. - You drove too.
And you work here too, don't you?
- Nope, no I don't. - No?
- Oh, system's going wrong.
- Uh oh. - Ooh.
- Dang, now what am I going to do?
I like your nails.
- Thank you.
- Very nice. - Thank you.
- Hold both out for me.
All right.
(crickets chirping)
- You know it comes in tea too, though.
- It does come in tea too.
Cookies, gummy bears.
- Cornflakes.
- Cornflakes, brownies.
- Not that I do it though.
- No, not that you do it.
- I do work at a dispensary though.
- (laughs) Anything else you wanna tell me?
- No. - 'Cause you're offering up
a lot of information I didn't ask about.
- It's cool. - You can go back.
- One more time, Destiny, come see me.
- All right.
- Can you stick your tongue out for me?
- I can.
- And how 'bout your hands, like this.
You have nice nails too.
- Thank you.
- I don't, so lookit.
- That's okay.
- And go like that for me. - We can help you.
- You can do my nails for me? - Yeah.
- (laughs) I think that would be unacceptable.
In my line of work, anyway. - True.
- How'd you get to work today?
- I drove. - You drove?
- I did.
- How long have you worked here?
- Almost a year.
- You enjoy it? - I love it.
- Okay, I'm done. - Okay, wow.
- I just wanted to know more about you.
- Okay. - One more time, Jeff.
- Appreciate it, sir, I was getting lonely.
- Were you? - Yeah.
- Just standing up there by yourself.
Can you stick your tongue out for me?
Ahh (laughs).
How about your hands? - You're gonna check, yeah,
I was about to say, - Oh yeah.
- You're gonna check the nails next.
- Nah, you have ugly nails like me.
Flip 'em. - Yeah, I feel that.
- Why are you shaking? - Hmm?
- Why are you shaking? - Yeah, I noticed that too.
I always shake though.
I've noticed that.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- You're gonna tell me who's high, right, that we--
- I ain't a snitch either. (Jim laughs)
But I ain't gonna get fired, I'm not a snitch.
- Not a snitch, not gonna get fired.
Can you do me a favor? - Yeah.
- Can you stand up for me? - Yeah.
- Now.
- Do I need to stand somewhere special?
- Just right there is fine.
- I want you to put your feet together.
Heels and toes like this.
Hands down at your side, okay?
And I want you to stay there, okay?
I'm gonna ask you to perform a one leg stand.
I'm gonna have you point your foot, your toe.
Go ahead and look at my foot.
Point your toe, look at your toe,
and count one 1,000, two 1,000,
three 1,000, four 1,000,
and continue on until I tell you to stop.
- Feet together, heels and toes,
hands down at your side.
Stare at your toe.
You may begin.
- One 1,000, two 1,000,
three 1,000, four 1,000,
five 1,000, six 1,000,
seven 1,000, eight 1,000,
nine 1,000.
- Can you point your toe, though, as you're doing it?
There you go.
- Do you want me to start over?
- No, just keep going. - One, oh, nope, eleven, one.
- That's good.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yep, you're fine.
- How 'bout you?
D'you understand the instructions?
- Yeah.
- Feet together, heels and toes,
hands down at your side.
You're gonna raise your foot,
whichever one you want, I don't care.
Point your toe, look down at your toe and count,
one 1,000, two 1,000,
three 1,000, four 1,000,
and so on.
It's a timed maneuver.
I'll tell you when to stop.
You may begin.
- 1,000 (laughs), 2,000,
you know what, I can't do it.
I'm not really good in balance.
- Oh, you're not good at (laughs).
- I'm really not. - Okay.
- Okay, one 1,000.
- Remember, hands at your sides.
Look at your toe though.
- Three 1,000.
- Look at your toe. - Oh.
Four 1,000, five 1,000,
six 1,000, seven 1,000,
eight 1,000, nine 1,000,
ten 1,000.
- You just wanna stop there?
(Brenden, Destiny and Jeff laugh)
Perfect, thank you.
All right, I think I've seen enough,
gathered enough evidence,
and my pick for who's stoned is Irene.
- [Crew Member] Will the person
who smoked today step forward?
(sad comical trumpeting) - Jeff.
- How ya doing?
- It was those damn shakes.
- Honestly, I am a shaker though.
I thought that was gonna, like, be a tell,
but like, that is just me.
So yeah, how's everything--
- Take your glasses off for me, come on now.
- Could you still tell with the glasses,
can you, would I, wow.
- Wow, I should have just called your name that way.
- Exactly. - God.
- Now that all the mumbles come out.
- Man. - That was good, wasn't it?
That was poker face. - Yeah, that was good.
- I don't even know how to play poker,
but that poker face was out there.
- Yeah, you should go play poker.
- But yeah, how's everything else?
- Well, your eyes are dark,
the color of your eyes are dark,
so I really can't tell unless I get up close.
The process for doing all this would have been more,
more human, what we call the stupid human tricks
or whatever you wanna call 'em.
If I was doing this in the field,
I'd take your blood pressure,
I'd take your body temperature,
I'd look in your eyes.
I'd look at the size of your eyes
and darkness compared to light.
I'm a little hobbled here when you're wearing glasses,
'cause you do understand,
have you ever been arrested?
- No. - If you get arrested
and you're dealing with a cop like this,
the glasses come off (laughs).
- Right, no doubt about it.
- You don't get to sit there and go,
nah, I'ma leave 'em on.
But no, you tricked me.
You got me good,
you got me good. - Appreciate it, sir.
- Don't appreciate it,
you made me look like a fool Jeff (laughs).
- So the system can be wrong, huh?
- No, I can be wrong.
- See, that was my first time doing that.
I have anxiety (Jim laughs)
so that's why I didn't have my balance, you know?
- You failed that test.
- Yeah, I know, right?
- Incredibly, you failed that test.
You didn't follow instructions,
you couldn't keep your balance.
It's pretty easy.
I mean, people would say, oh, I can't keep my balance.
Well, I've got normally 30 extra pounds of stuff on.
- I know right?
Yeah, my balance is not so good at all.
- You tricked me.
And then your tongue has,
it looks like you've smoked.
- I had some candy in there.
- You don't smoke cigarettes?
- No.
- Interesting, okay.
Well again, I was hobbled by the glasses,
so I'm just gonna use that as my excuse.
- It does cover up the soul of humans, huh?
- It does, it does.
You know, the eyes are the windows to everything.
- I mean, I was nervous 'cause of your uniform,
but other than that, I'm good.
- People get nervous with the uniform.
- I know, right?
- Yeah, I put it on this morning, it scared me.
- I mean, I see, in south central,
I see you guys all the time.
It's like you guys-- - We're everywhere.
- practice over there or something (laughs).
In South Central. (Jim laughs)
- Hmm, all right.
- But thanks. - Thank you.
Sorry for falsely picking you.
- Oh, I'm good.
- As you can tell, we all make mistakes (laughs).
Don't do drugs.
(upbeat saxophone-led music)