One of the things that parents ask me about all the time is
consequences. How do we come up with some good consequences? Today,
let's talk about setting consequences for teens. We'll give you some good parenting tips here.
Let's put some structure around this. First, we need to review the model of control and maturity.
After we get through that, let's talk about your own emotional control and then we'll get
down to the practical steps or some specific ideas that you could use as consequences based on what
we found out. Let's jump in. Have you noticed this already? Teenagers are very sensitive to control
issues. This is because of their moral and physical development that they're going
through. In other videos here on the channel we've gone into some detail about the moral
development model. This has to do with 3 stages of moral development. If you haven't seen it yet
click on the card right up there that will take you to that video it will
cue it up for you to watch next. Watch that next so that you can get a good review of that.
Here's a quick summary: 3 stages. Stage one is selfish and self-centered. It's all about
me, me, me. There's no cooperation. There's resistance and defiance. Huh,
sounding familiar? A lot of times teenagers get stuck in that stage. Stage 2 is where we stop
fighting and start cooperating. Cooperation is the hallmark of stage 2. And that's how
we can tell that we've moved to that level of maturity. There's a willingness to negotiate.
There's communication that's going on. They're not always happy about what's being asked but
they're willing to cooperate and comply. That's stage 2. Now, stage 3, that's the fun one. That's
where we are mature and responsible. That's where we take accountability for our actions. Stage 3
is where service and empathy and morals and values and all those great things kick in. Stop and think
for a minute about what your teenager actually wants. And if I were to give you just 2 options,
do they want control over their own life or do they want to be mature and responsible?
That's easy. They want control. It's you that wants them to be mature and responsible.
But that's good news because if they will be more mature and responsible, they get to have
more control over their own life. And if you're a teenager watching this right now, you can comment
down below about whether this is true for you or not. This is so important to understand
of all the teenagers that I've interviewed, they don't want anyone controlling their life.
And if you're a teenager watching this, I want you to control your life. I think there is no better
person on the planet to control your life than you. Second, parents, I think you're next in line
for the control over your teenagers lives because who loves them more than you do? And the only
other option is for the state to step in. That usually happens if the teenager's out of control
and the parents can't get the control. That's when the state steps in. With division of child
and family services or the youth correctional system or the police or the courts. So, let's move
that as close to the teenager as we can. We want teenagers to be in control of their own lives. And
parents, your next inline. So, let's understand that. Now, that we've reviewed that model,
I would recommend that we do a top-down approach. What I'm talking about has to do with those 3
stages, okay? So, we've got stage 1, stage 2, and stage 3. Stage three is the highest of these three
stages of development. And so, that's at the top. We're going to start as high as we can and go as
low as we need to. What that means is assume that your teenager is at a higher level of development
until they give you evidence to the contrary. Now, usually, we're not starting at stage 3,
because if we were at stage 3 you wouldn't be watching this video. They would be taking
responsibility for their life and paying for all of their expenses and everything else
that comes with stage 3 maturity. So, let's go down to 2 and 1. The top-down approach
if we can't go to stage 3 where we implement consultation, we're going to move down to stage2
where we will use communication, okay? They're all C words that I'll give you for these three
stages. So, we got consultation in stage 3, communication in stage 2.
Consequences in stage 1. But if they will communicate with us and another C word, cooperate
with us, then we're going to use communication as our primary intervention. I would much prefer
to put you in a situation where you can have a rational conversation with your teenager
than to just jump in and start talking about the consequences. If they'll cooperate with you,
they're at least on stage 2 and that is preferred. Now, what if they won't?
Okay, that means we get to move down another notch. Remember, start as high as you can,
go as low as you have to in terms of your intervention as a parent.
So, if they're not cooperating with you, we go down to stage one where we will
implement consequences. We'll give you some examples of what those consequences can look like
here in just a minute. The big difference... We're going to use consequences on stage 2 as
well. But the big difference is that on stage 1, we have to use consequences that do not require
cooperation. Why? Because you don't get it until stage 2. So, we have to pick consequences at
stage 1 that we control 100%. At stage 2, we can use the kind that do require cooperation.
And we'll give you some examples of that as we get into that section. -Another tip is to remember
to be dispassionate and kind of disconnected from the outcome. That sounds kind of strange
because obviously, the outcome seems really big otherwise you wouldn't be involved in this,
right? So, if you can take away your emotional connection or investment into the outcome,
you'll be able to leave kind of shift all the thinking power back onto your teenager. -This is
really, really powerful psychologically. I talk to a lot of my clients about problem ownership. And
the person who has the problem is the one who's most upset by it. -And you know, really, being
as okay with either outcome you've got to kind of get to that place in your mind because your child
has learned years and years of reading all of your body language and everything that you're saying
and not saying that they kind of know if you really are invested in one of the outcomes,
the way you're presenting it, they'll know it. -Remember as we started this particular
video that we talked about how teens are really motivated by control. It's a big deal to them. So,
for you to disconnect from the outcomes actually shifts that control back to them.
And it's a really nice way to put them back in a responsible position for their choices.
Honestly, all you really need to do if you've determined that your teenagers on stage 1
is to choose consequences that you control 100%. You don't need their cooperation. Why
is this important? Because you don't even get cooperation until stage 2. So, don't be picking
something that requires your teen's cooperation for. If they're on stage 1, pick a consequence
that you don't need their cooperation for and then implement that consequence in a very robotic
and business-like manner. Take the emotion out of the discipline. Can I say that again?
Take the emotion out of the discipline. It's got to be brief and business-like and to the point
and consistent. Pick something you control and then you don't have to get upset because... Well,
you control it. Implement those stage one consequences without drama
and without lectures. I used to add lectures before I learned that that's just me wanting
to hear myself speak. I'm a professional speaker so I kind of like to hear myself speak. My kids,
not so much. They didn't want to hear it. It wasn't helpful. Without drama, without lecture.
A few minutes ago when we were talking about the top-down approach, I mentioned that we have to use
different consequences for stage 1 and for stage 2. Let's talk about what some of those might be.
This is where we get very practical. What kind of consequences can we use over here at stage one
where we have no cooperation? The key here is to make sure you can enforce it
100%. So, we're thinking only in terms of control. What do I control?
And if you control it, you can use it. Quick caveat. There are 5 freebies. I've
covered this in some other videos as well. I'll just hit them real quick for you.
Love, okay? Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. Don't mess with the love? Air.
I know you don't provide it but you can't deprive them of it either. Water, got to have it. Food,
doesn't mean preferred food. It means sustained live food. And shelter, which includes appropriate
clothing in most cultures. Those are the freebies. We're not going to mess with those. Anything else
you control is fair game. So, let's hit a couple of examples. Access. I love access because it
can apply to a lot of things. Access to space in your home. Remember, you have to provide shelter
to them but that doesn't necessarily mean a private room, does it? No. You can control access
to certain areas of your home. You can control the flow of electricity to certain rooms in your home.
I discovered this when I had teenagers at home. There's a little circuit breaker box in our home.
You can turn the switch on or off and secure it and... What do you know? You can control
access to electricity. Or to equipment or to electronics or to devices. Are you getting the
picture? As long as you can control it access is a really great direction to go. Here's another one
that you control. You may not have even thought about this. The services that you provide.
Oh, yeah. Think about some of those what services do you provide to your teenager? And for a lot
of parents, you're providing transportation which gets into access too because if you're
not providing the transportation directly, you're probably providing access to something that they
can get transportation. Like a vehicle. What about laundry services? What about cooking services?
What about all of those services that you provide? Now, as long as they're not in the freebie list,
they're fair game. And I'm not saying we should play hardball here. I'm saying
pay attention to what you control because if your team's on stage 1, you're going to have to pick
something from that category as a consequence. While we're talking about services you provide,
you also provide goods and you provide things like permission. This is a powerful one.
You can provide permission or not. Now, they control whether they follow your limits or not.
But you control whether you give permission or not. I still remember a time when I told
my son. He was asking me if he could go to a party. I said, "Tell me more about the party."
Because sometimes they lack information. Have you noticed this? And as he told me more about it, I
said, "I don't feel comfortable with it. I'm not giving you permission to go." He's like, "Oh.
So, I can't go?" I said, "Well, that's up to you."
Because he'd gone before right when I didn't give permission. "It's up to you whether you
go or not. Just understand that I'm not giving you my permission to go. So, if you go, you're
going without my permission. Any questions?" I like to use that as well. "Any questions?"
Raise your eyebrows a little. Keep smiling. It'll make them nervous. Another thing that you can use
on stage 1 is fines and fees. Now, if you use this, it has to be based on your ability to
collect. Because remember we're not relying on cooperation. If you can collect then you can use
fines and fees on stage 1. Let's go over to stage 2. What kind of consequences when we move here,
the biggest difference when we get to stage 2 is cooperation. Now, we can open up the door
to all kinds of other consequences that do require cooperation. And they'll be motivated to go to
stage 2 because they get to have more control here. And that's what's motivating them. So,
we can use an essay, for example. This is one that I like to use where I just have them write
a two to three page essay on some principle or value that has to do with whatever it is that
we're discussing. So, if they were disrespectful, maybe they'll write a 2-page essay on why respect
is such an important part of human interactions. There you go. It requires cooperation,
right? And when we were talking earlier about the top-down approach, what if they refuse? Well then,
you slip down to the stage 1 consequences. But at stage 2, they can require that cooperation. This
is also where you can impose additional chores for example or some service activity as a consequence.
Notice all of these have the same thing in common that they do require cooperation. So,
that'll open up the table to a lot of things. Tell you what. If you have other ideas about
good stage 1 or stage 2 consequences, go to the comments let's see what ideas you have and let's
open up some conversation about that about we can come up with some good things together.
Parenting teenagers is not for the weak of heart. I don't know if you were aware of
some of the resources available to you at Live On Purpose Central to help you with your teens.
Go.liveonpurposecentral.com. Come see what's available to you.