WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
WELCOME, EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS DECEMBER -- ALREADY, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S DECEMBER 16th.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE BEARING DOWN ON US LIKE A PACK OF CHEERFUL
HYENAS.
>> Jon: COME ON.
>> Stephen: AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO CATCH ME.
JUST TO UNPLUG AND GLUG, GLUG ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT UNTIL WE GET OUR NOG ON,
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON OUT THERE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE
LATEST DETAILS IN TONIGHT'S" DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THEY ARE IMPEACHING ME AND
THERE ARE NO CRIMES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: ON FRIDAY, THE HOUSE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE APPROVED TWO ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST
THE PRESIDENT.
THE VOTE WAS 23-17, ALONG STRICTLY PARTISAN LINES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOT ONE REPUBLICAN EVIDENTLY HAS A
PROBLEM WITH THE PRESIDENT BLACKMAILING A FOREIGN
GOVERNMENT TO GET DIRT ON A POLITICAL OPPONENT.
IN A RELATED STORY, THE G.O.P.
CHANGED ITS MASCOT FROM AN ELEPHANT TO AN OSTRICH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THOSE ARE SOME NICE DRUMSTICKS.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: THIS MORNING, THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE
RELEASED A 658-PAGE REPORT, EXHAUSTIVELY EXPLAINING THAT
"PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS PLACED HIS PERSONAL POLITICAL INTERESTS
ABOVE OUR NATIONAL SECURITY, OUR FREE AND FAIR ELECTIONS, AND OUR
SYSTEM OF CHECKS AND BALANCES."
AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE TRUMP'S RESPONSE:
>> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TRUE.
HE'S GOT US THERE.
HE'S GOT US THERE, JON!
>> Jon: COME ON.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
HE'S RIGHT.
THE FULL HOUSE IS EXPECTED TO VOTE ON IMPEACHMENT ON
WEDNESDAY, THEN IT'S ON TO THE SENATE WHERE IT LANDS ON THE
DESK OF SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND PELICAN WHO JUST SWALLOWED
ANOTHER PELICAN, MITCH MCCONNELL.
( BOOING ) IN AN IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, THE
SENATE IS THE JURY, SO IT'S THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL DUTY TO BE
IMPARTIAL.
MCCONNELL SEES IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY:
>> EVERYTHING I DO DURING THIS, I'M COORDINATING WITH THE
WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL.
I'M GOING TO COORDINATE WITH THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS, SO THERE
WON'T BE ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US ON HOW TO DO THIS.
I'M GOING TO TAKE MY CUES FROM THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS.
>> STEPHEN: HOW IS THAT OKAY ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S LIKE ONE OF THE JURORS STANDING UP AT THE BEGINNING OF
A TRIAL AND SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, WE THINK THE DEFENDANT IS A
REAL GOOD GUY.
AND WE'RE GOING TO BE COORDINATING WITH HIM THROUGHOUT
THE TRIAL.
WE'D ALSO LIKE TO GIVE HIM HIS KNIFE BACK."
THERE YOU GO, JACK.
KEEP ON RIPPIN', BROTHER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEN MCCONNELL MADE THIS PREDICTION:
>> THERE'S NO CHANCE THE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO BE REMOVED
FROM OFFICE.
>> STEPHEN: AH, SPOILER ALERT.
DON'T TELL ME HOW DEMOCRACY ENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS
WHOLE PROCESS KNOWING IT'S GOING TO HAVE AN UNSATISFYING ENDING.
THAT'S LIKE GETTING INTO "GAME OF THRONES" NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT WATCHING 30 HOURS OF EYE
GOUGING JUST TO GET TO KING BRAN.
( LAUGHTER ) MCCONNELL ISN'T THE ONLY
REPUBLICAN WHO'S BEING SHAMELESSLY PARTISAN, THERE'S
ALSO SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND MAN WHO JUST ZIPPED HIS JUNK
INTO HIS FLY, LINDSEY GRAHAM.
( LAUGHTER ) GRAHAM TOLD A CROWD THIS
WEEKEND, "I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND.
I'M NOT TRYING TO PRETEND TO BE A FAIR JUROR HERE."
REALLY?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU SHOULD AT LEAST PRETEND
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WHEN THE TRIAL STARTS,
THE OATH YOU TAKE SAYS, "I SOLEMNLY SWEAR I WILL DO
IMPARTIAL JUSTICE ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION AND LAWS: SO
HELP ME GOD."
SO, TO COVER FOR DONALD TRUMP, A MAN YOU LOATHE, YOU'RE GOING TO
LIE TO GOD?
YOU'RE GOING TO BETRAY THE MAN UPSTAIRS FOR THE MAN WHO'S
AFRAID TO WALK DOWN STAIRS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: ONE MAN IS NOT GIVING UP ON A
FAIR TRIAL: SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN CALLING DIBS
ON THE LAST CRULLER, CHUCK SCHUMER.
SCHUMER WROTE MITCH MCCONNELL A LETTER ASKING HIM, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, FOR FOUR TOP WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS WHO HAVE NOT
PREVIOUSLY TESTIFIED-- INCLUDING MICK MULVANEY AND JOHN BOLTON--
TO APPEAR AS WITNESSES.
WELP, THAT'S THE ONLY HOLIDAY WISH LIST THAT'S EVER INCLUDED
JOHN BOLTON.
"DEAR SANTA, THIS YEAR I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH JOHN
BOLTON, AND ALSO HAVE MY NIPPLES CHEWED OFF BY A RABID BADGER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SCHUMER EMPHASIZED THAT HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE ALL THE EVIDENCE IS
PRESENTED.
>> I GUESS THE WAY YOU WOULD SUM IT UP, THE OLD JOE FRIDAY ON
"DRAGNET," IF YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOW.
"JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM".
>> STEPHEN: A NOBLE SENTIMENT.
BUT HERE'S AN IDEA: CAN WE GET A SINGLE PERSON IN OUR GOVERNMENT
WHO ISN'T 147 YEARS OLD?
( LAUGHTER ) A NEW COMPREHENSIVE HEALTHCARE
PLAN.
( APPLAUSE ) "OUR NEW COMPREHENSIVE
HEALTHCARE PLAN HAS BEEN APPROVED BY LEADING MEDICAL
PROFESSIONALS LIKE MARCUS WELBY M.D., DR. KILDARE, AND MR. ED!"
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S GOT A WILDCARD IN HIS
FIGHT AGAINST IMPEACHMENT: PERSONAL LAWYER AND GRANDPA
BEING DISCREETLY CHECKED TO SEE IF HE'S STILL ALIVE, RUDY
GIULIANI.
GIULIANI WAS RECENTLY IN UKRAINE, MEETING WITH DISGRACED
PROSECUTORS AND TRYING TO DIG UP MORE DIRT ON THE BIDENS.
RUDY CLAIMS, "WE HAVE FOUND MULTIPLE CRIMES THE BIDENS
HAVE COMMITTED: EXTORTION, BRIBERY, AND MONEY LAUNDERING,"
AND TO BACK IT UP, HE HAD A HANDWRITTEN DIAGRAM TITLED
"BRIBERY, PARENTHESES, CRIME."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY, THAT'S HIS "TO-DO"
LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: TODAY, TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT
GIULIANI'S TRIP, AND HE WAS ALL FOR IT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, HOW MUCH HAS GIULIANI SHARED WITH YOU ABOUT
HIS RECENT TRIP TO UKRAINE?
>> OH, NOT TOO MUCH.
BUT HE'S A VERY GREAT CRIME-FIGHTER, HE WAS PROBABLY
THE GREATEST CRIME-FIGHTER OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T CALL HIM A CRIME-FIGHTER JUST BECAUSE HE
OCCASIONALLY WEARS HIS UNDERPANTS ON THE OUTSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: GETS 'EM MIXED UP.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST GOT THE IMAGE.
I GOT THE IMAGE.
TOOK ME A SECOND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP KNOWS THAT RUDY IS DIGGING
UP CONSPIRACIES OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART.
>> HE'S A GREAT PERSON WHO LOVES OUR COUNTRY.
AND HE DOES THIS OUT OF LOVE, BELIEVE ME, HE DOES IT OUT OF
LOVE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, WHEN A RUDY AND A COUNTRY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY
MUCH, THEY SHARE A SPECIAL HUG AND WE'RE ALL SCREWED.
AND THE PRESIDENT HAS A LOT OF HURT FEELINGS OVER GETTING
IMPEACHED.
HE SHARED THEM WITH HIS LOVED ONE, TWITTER.
"CONGRESSIONAL DO NOTHING DEMOCRATS ARE BEING ABSOLUTELY
DECIMATED IN THEIR DISTRICTS ON THE SUBJECT OF THE
IMPEACHMENT HOAX.
PEOPLE THAT VOTED FOR THEM ARE LITERALLY SCREAMING IN THEIR
FACES."
IT'S TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S HAPPENING, JON.
>> Jon: IT'S HAPPENING.
WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
>> Stephen: IT'S HAPPENING.
VOTERS ARE SCREAMING AT THE DEMOCRATS.
"THANK YOU!
MAKE THE BAD MAN GO AWAY!
I'M SORRY I'M SHOUTING!
THIS IS HOW I TALK NOW!
HELP!" ( LAUGHTER )
THERE IS ONE DEMOCRAT VOTING AGAINST IMPEACHMENT, NEW JERSEY
REPRESENTATIVE AND JIGSAW'S TWIN BROTHER, JEFF VAN DREW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
VAN DREW HAS BEEN A VOCAL OPPONENT OF ACCOUNTABILITY, AND
HE'S NOW EXPECTED TO SWITCH TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE SWITCHING TO THE G.O.P. NOW?
THAT'S LIKE ROWING PAST THE TITANIC AND GOING, "LET'S GO
CHECK OUT THE MIDNIGHT BUFFET!
( LAUGHTER ) THE BAND IS STILL PLAYING!"
FASTER, FASTER, GET OUT OF HERE!
COME ON, COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOT EVERYONE IS HAPPY WITH VAN DREW'S DECISION.
OR ANYONE.
BECAUSE A DEMOCRATIC FOE LABELED HIM A TRAITOR, A REPUBLICAN
RUNNING FOR HIS SEAT CALLED HIM A WEASEL, AND ONCE THEY HEARD
THE NEWS, MOST OF THE STAFF IN HIS WASHINGTON OFFICE QUIT.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT, CONGRESSMAN, JUST REMEMBER
THE OLD SAYING: KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE... ANNND YOU
HAVE NO FRIENDS.