- Why is it that empaths seem to be magnets for narcissists?
It's almost like there's also a certain level
of attraction that empaths have for narcissists,
at least in the beginning.
And that's what then causes this kind of trap
where narcissist and empaths seem to attract each other.
In this video,
I'm gonna show you how to finally break the spell
so that you stop attracting people into your life
that may be narcissists,
that may be manipulating your energy, gaslighting you,
keeping you within this realm
of emotional-like manipulation.
And I'm gonna show you how to break that
once and for all.
Now, first off, with this process,
understand that our energy and who we are,
we always attract an equal reflection
of where we are at the time.
So you might hear that and go,
"Well, Aaron, are you telling me that I'm a narcissist?
I'm not a narcissist bro."
And I'm like, "I know I get it."
But here is the interesting thing
about empaths and narcissists
that actually may be kinda hard to hear.
Now, let's look at the unmet needs
of empaths versus narcissists.
So, let's also, first off,
define what an empath and a narcissist is
so that we can understand this dynamic,
'cause this dynamic
will change the way you look at this forever.
So, first off, narcissists are people
that are very preoccupied with themselves.
They will do anything they can do in order
to get other people to adhere to their frame.
Now in general, narcissists also normally have
a strong sense of frame, a strong sense of self.
And even though maybe that sense of self is built
on a faulty foundation, where it's like they feel like
they need to suck energy outta the environment
in order to upheld their sense of self,
they still do have a perceived sense of self at least,
where they have a frame and they are in that energy
to where they may emotionally manipulate their environment.
They may have high demands upon the people in their life.
And that is a side effect
of the narcissism mentality and personality.
Now, on the other side of that, you have that of an empath.
Now an empath in a way, is an opposite,
but also, an empath is somebody
that can feel other people's energy.
Empaths also tend to be very sensitive.
They tend to understand and to know
what other people may be feeling or thinking.
Now there is a tendency in empaths
to tune their energy to their surroundings.
Now, the reason being, is because in childhood normally,
and both of these have a childhood wound
that is very similar,
but just used in a different way.
Empaths feel, in childhood,
that something happened, something went wrong.
And apparently have emotionally checked out
or physically left.
And there was a meaning that was made,
there was a decision that was made that said,
"Who I am is not good enough,
or "I need to change myself and surrender my own frame
in order to make people happy."
Now this is also why a lot of times empaths
can also be people-pleasers,
or nice guys, or nice girls or whatever you wanna call that.
But people pleasers are people
that have to please other people,
even though a lot of times it's not authentic.
In order to get their environment to feel safe.
So the way that people with their empathic create safety,
is by tuning to their environment,
and tuning to other people
to try to then maybe even change it,
to maybe please other people.
Have you ever felt like you were maybe having to be the glue
in your friendships, or the glue in your family
to get everyone to get along?
And then by tuning to others like,
that's how you create your sense of safety?
Well, that's what empaths do.
That's what empaths do to create safety.
So they tune to other.
So in a way, you could think of it like their energy field
is not really as much in their body,
but it's tuning to their environment.
And that's why a lot of empaths
may have very intuitive gifts.
They're tuning more to their energy field
than everything else around them.
And then they become kind of a chameleon.
They're able to adapt to any situation,
to please anybody that that may come in.
And what ends up happening though,
is there's a frustration that happens.
Because eventually people wake up from being the empath,
Being an empath isn't a bad thing,
but when you're always tuning to other people,
you eventually might start to resent yourself.
That's what happened to me.
I was empathic,
I kept attracting narcissist into my life.
It was like, I attracted my ex-stepmom from 7 to 15.
And then after she left,
I kept attracting more and more people
that reflected that energy,
because there was a belief there.
And there was, in a way, as hard as this is to admit,
there was a certain level of safety I felt
by having a narcissist in my life.
The safety was that I felt like I could relax
in someone else's frame.
I felt like I could relax because somebody else was,
like, had these high demands.
And that felt familiar to me from childhood.
So, what the empath does, is it tunes to other.
And what happens, is then you have this narcissist
that comes in, and the narcissist is somebody
that also has a similar childhood wound.
Their childhood wound though, is a little bit different.
The empath tunes to other.
What the narcissist does,
is the narcissist still uses other,
but it uses other and it manipulates other,
in a way they both manipulate other if you think about it.
The empath is tuning to the environment,
and being the glue,
and getting people to like, feel a certain way,
or easing tension or whatever in order
to get their needs met.
So there's still a form of manipulation there,
but in the narcissist, it's controlling the environment,
it's manipulating the environment
in order to fuel a faulty sense of self.
Both lack, by the way, a healthy sense of self.
The empath lacks that sense of self
and then attracts somebody else
that has this unhealthy sense of self.
And then the narcissist is somebody that is tuning,
and in a way, draining the environment and the energy,
and maybe even the other people,
in order to validate their own frame.
So they're both tuned to other.
However, at least on the appearance,
the narcissist has a strong sense
of what they think their self is.
Because narcissists never really think
that they're narcissists.
They're the last ones to ever admit it.
They will tell you, "I am not."
And then sometimes the empaths will say, "Okay."
(Aaron chuckling)
It's like they could have,
you could watch a video on YouTube,
like, 10 signs someone's a narcissist,
or 10 signs you're dating a narcissist.
They could have eight or nine out of the 10 signs.
And then you could tell them about it,
and they'll go, "Nope."
They'll get gaslight you, and then you wouldn't even,
you'd be like, "Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I even questioned your, you know,
all hailing energy."
But in general, narcissists are taking
and emotionally manipulating the environment
in order to get their needs met.
So the reason that these two attract each other,
and what we can learn from it,
is actually the game changer.
Because for a long time,
I've been on the outside looking in.
First off, I've also been on the inside
where my ex-stepmom was this way.
And then I kept attracting people that were like this.
However, my dad, even after 15,
when my dad divorced my ex-stepmom,
my dad still had to deal with my ex-stepmom
because he has two kids with her, my half sisters.
And that's not my mom, but that's their mom.
And the interesting thing has been,
I've seen him go through this process
where my dad is very much the people pleaser empath,
and my ex-stepmom is still to this day, the narcissist,
and my dad's still the empath.
But what I've seen is the actual benefit
of what my dad can learn and why he attracted my ex-stepmom.
My ex-stepmom actually has something to teach my dad,
as crazy as that sounds.
And that is teaching my dad how to say no,
how to draw the line, how to stand up for himself,
how to stand up for his daughters,
how to stand up for us, my brother and I.
Because it was very obvious
that when they were in relationship,
that my ex-stepmom ran the show.
And he, I think even to this day,
might feel some guilt about that.
Because he feels like maybe I could have done more,
could have found out sooner.
Because for a long time,
he was under the spell of thinking
that there's nothing wrong here.
And, however though, I can see
that there are many choice points in a way
where he could have stood up for himself a little bit more,
and even stood up for his kids.
And I know people even in my life that maybe, you know,
it's funny, because of what I do,
and because of this message I share in YouTube,
when I do live events and stuff,
I meet a lot of people
that have been through narcissistic abuse.
I remember the first time I went and did plant medicine
in Costa Rica and invited people out.
And they were like, you know,
it was at this live transformation place,
there were like 70 people there
that could be there.
And like, 50 of them came from,
like, my audience and stuff.
And out of those, so many people were like,
"Yeah, I really resonate.
You know, I also had someone in my life
that was a narcissist."
And it was like, so common.
And many of the people,
and sometimes some of those people,
their real mom, or real dad was a narcissist.
Imagine how much more challenging that might be.
I was able just to say no to my ex-stepmom,
never see her again.
Some people, that's their real mom.
But even then I can see that sometimes
the answer for some of them,
it was to actually still draw boundaries and cut it off,
because there's something to be learned there.
And sometimes that might be the hardest thing,
but the empath is meant to learn boundaries.
It's meant to learn about their sense of self,
and also to be in their own frame.
What empaths can learn from narcissists,
is that narcissists do have a strong sense
of perceived frame,
and empaths don't have that frame as much at all.
It's like their frame is everybody else.
Is everyone else happy?
Okay, I can feel safe and relax.
So, what the transformation was for me,
was realizing that both of these sides have a shadow aspect.
I had to ask myself, "Why am I attracting narcissist?
Am I an narcissist?"
You attract what you are.
Well, the core wound of an empath is somebody
that is still manipulating their environment
to get their needs met.
And the key and the cure is to actually become embodied,
to feel inside of your own energy,
to put the awareness inside,
because as you do, you bring the energy back
from being in the field
trying to manipulate everything else.
You can also realize that when you were a kid,
your parents emotional unavailability,
it wasn't your fault.
Your parents divorced, it wasn't your fault.
If your parent cheated on another parent,
it wasn't your fault.
We as kids, make these meanings to say
there's something wrong with me,
I must glue,
we make a choice in the moment.
I must be the saving grace and the glue
between my whole environment.
And then we carry that burden through our whole lives,
trying to fix everything.
But the problem is, when you try to fix things,
people then feel that, and they don't like it.
I've been in many relationships and many people,
even in my family, where I feel like I need to fix them,
They actually don't appreciate it.
Or it's an enabling pattern that just doesn't last.
So find your sense of frame.
And the way you do that is by going into your body,
even just putting the attention
inside your hands and your feet,
and understanding that the more you do this,
and the more you also put the energy inside of your heart,
and the more you ask yourself,
"What do I want?"
Empaths always abandon themselves for other.
Stop abandoning yourself.
What do you want?
Who are you?
What values do you live by?
Instead of being attracted to someone
that has a strong sense of perceived self,
realize, who am I, what do I want?
How can I stop abandoning myself?
How can I bring my energy back?
How can I be in my own frame?
How can I validate myself?
And the thing is, as you do all of these things,
you'll notice that your energy completely transforms.
Now, to go through this process to really transform,
there's something I did called
"The 21 Day Magnetic Love Challenge"
where we went through and healed our co-dependency,
healed the empath narcissist dynamic,
healed our own attachment styles,
started to feel safe in our own frame.
It was a completely transformative experience.
If you haven't checked it out yet,
go to aarondoughty.com/love, L-O-V-E.
Or click the link on the top of the description box below.
And also, if you wanna learn how to set a strong frame,
this will completely transform your life and energy field.
Watch this video right here on the frame technique.
Do this practice for 21 days
and watch how much your energy changes.
We're gonna do this little activation exercise
that you can come back to for the next 21 days
and see how different your energy is.
Now before, the way that I was
and the way I showed up in the world.