.
. >>>
. >>> HOW
. >>> HOW OFTEN DO YOU APOLOGIZE
FOR THINGS?
FOR THINGS? A STUDY FOUND WOMEN APOLOGIZE
MORE OFTEN THAN MEN LIKELY
BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LOWER
THRESHOLD FOR WHAT THEY
CONSIDER OFFENSIVE.
CONSIDER OFFENSIVE. HOWEVER, THERE ARE SOME THINGS
WOMEN ESPECIALLY MOMS ARE
GUILTY OF SAYING SORRY FOR WHEN
IT IS TOTALLY NOT NECESSARY.
EXPERTS SAY STOP IT.
JUST STOP IT NOW, PEOPLE.
WE'RE DIVING INTO THIS IN "REAL
TALK" WITH OUR CARA KNEER,
AUTHOR AMY LYLE AND OWNER OF
CLOSET COUTURE AMANDA
EASTERLIN.
EASTERLIN. WELL, LADIES.
WELL, LADIES. >> WELCOME.
>> WELCOME. >> I LOVE IT.
>> SO THIS ONE SOCIOLOGY
PROFESSOR ATTRIBUTES A WOMAN'S
TENDENCY TO APOLOGIZE TO BEING
SOCIALIZED INTO A PASSIVE
MINDSET.
MINDSET.
MINDSET. PEOPLE PLEASING BEHAVIOR, IT
ALL STARTS AT A VERY RECALL
AGE.
AGE.
AGE. DO
AGE. DO YOU FEEL LIKE THIS IS TRUE,
ACTUALLY APOLOGIZING FOR THINGS
MORE OFTEN THAN YOU SHOULD?
AND SORT OF INGRAINED IN US?
WHAT DO YOU?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> ABSOLUTELY. I THINK WE -- AND I THINK IT'S
ALSO SOMETIMES WE EVEN
APOLOGIES FOR GOOD THINGS,
TOO.
TOO.
TOO. WE
TOO. WE SAY OH, I'M SORRY THAT THAT
HAPPENED TO ME.
SO I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
CONDITIONED -- LIKE I DON'T
DESERVE THAT.
DESERVE THAT. >> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> MM-HM.
>> MM-HM.
>> MM-HM. >> THAT'S VERY TRUE.
AND YOU FEEL LIKE OH, NO,
RATHER THAN I AM BRACING
SOMETHING GOOD IS HANG, WHY DO
WE DO THAT?
AMY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> WE MADE A PACKET TO NOT SAY
WE'RE SORRY FOR ONE GAME OF
TENNIS.
TENNIS.
TENNIS. >> SORRY!
>> SORRY!
>> SORRY! >> SORRY.
>> SORRY.
>> SORRY. >> SORRY.
>> SORRY.
>> SORRY. I'M SORRY, SHANNON.
.
. >>
. >> HOW
. >> HOW HARD WAS THAT?
>> IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE!
I'M SORRY ABOUT MY BAD SHOT BUT
I'M SORRY THAT I'M CAUSING MY
PARTNER THAT WE MIGHT LOSE
BECAUSE OF ME.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> SO I AM TRULY SORRY.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> BUT WE'RE LIKE -- LET'S JUST
-- WE'RE BOTH DOING THE BEST WE
CAN.
CAN.
CAN. STOP
CAN. STOP SAYING YOU'RE SORRY.
>> I FEEL LIKE I SAY IT ABOUT
100 TIPS A DAY BUT I DON'T KNOW
IF THAT'S BEAT BECAUSE I NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT WHY I SAY IT OR I
HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED.
IT'S JUST A NATURAL THING TO
SAY.
SAY.
SAY. >>
SAY. >> ARE YOU SAYING IT'S NOT
REAL?
REAL?
REAL? >>
REAL? >> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. I'M SAYING THAT I MIGHT AS WELL
JUST BE SAYING, OKAY!
I DON'T KNOW.
>> IT'S JUST A REACTION.
WELL, THERE ARE THINGS THAT THE
PERIODS OF TIME SAY WE SHOULD
EXPERTS SAY WE SHOULD NOT BE
SORRY FOR.
SORRY FOR. THE FIRST ONE IS A MESSY HOUSE.
ALL THE TIME I FEEL -- DO YOU
FEEL EMBARRASSED OR ASHAMED,
PEOPLE COME OVER, MAYBE THEY
JUST POPPED OVER AND YOU
WEREN'T EXPECTING THEM.
AND MAYBE THE HOUSE OR DISHES
IN THE SINK --
>> I'M LAUGHING BECAUSE -- THE
HOUSE IS IMMACULATE.
I'M SO SORRY IT'S SUCH A MESS.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
RIGHT. >>
RIGHT. >> EXACTLY.
>> EXACTLY. >> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH. >> SERIOUSLY?
>> SERIOUSLY? IF YOU COULD SEE MY HOUSE, UM,
I DO THAT.
I MEAN, I GUESS, YOU KNOW,
AGAIN THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT.
SOMETHING TO SAY AND, UM,
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
RIGHT. IT
RIGHT. IT JUST COMES OUT.
>> I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF WHEN I
WALK INTO THE HOUSE.
I'M SO SORRY THIS IS SUCH A
MESS!
MESS!
MESS! I'M
MESS! I'M SO SORRY!
>> I'M OCD SO MY HOUSE IS
NEVER A MESS LITERALLY.
>> SHE NEVER HAS A MESSY HOUSE.
>> MAYBE IF YOU OPEN A DRAWER
AND MIGHT TAKE ALL THE STUFF
AND STUFF IT IN A DRAW.
IT LOOKS CLEAN.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. RIGHT.
RIGHT.
RIGHT. >>
RIGHT. >> OKAY.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY. LEAVING WORK.
LEAVING WORK. NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING.
LEAVING WORK ON TIME.
LEAVING ON TIME SHOULD NOT BE
CONSIDERED AN ACT OF REBELLION.
OH, THAT DAYCARE CLOSES AT X
AMOUNT OF TIME I ONLY HAVE X
AMOUNTS OF MINUTES TO GET
THERE.
THERE.
THERE. YOU NEED TO LEAVE, THAT'S IT.
OR MAYBE YOU WANT TO GO HOME TO
GET YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU'RE NOT CHEATING YOUR
EMPLOYER OUT OF A -- IF YOU
TRULY WORKED YOUR ALLOTTED
TIMED THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
WORK, BUT IT IS FUNNY, WE
ALWAYS STILL FEEL LIKE WHO --
GOING HOME, SORRY.
>> ESPECIALLY IF THE BOSS IS
STILL THERE.
STILL THERE. YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO WORK
LATER.
LATER.
LATER. >>
LATER. >> I THINK THAT'S AN AMERICAN
THING NOT A WOMEN THING.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. I
>> YES. I THINK SO, TOO,.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> BUT THIS REMINDS ME OF A
SORRY.
SORRY.
SORRY. I
SORRY. I HAVE THIS BOSS THAT LEFT ONE
DAY AT 5:00.
AND OUR GENERAL MANAGER AT THE
STATION SAID, OH, TAKING A HALF
DAY TODAY?
DAY TODAY? YELLED AT HER AS SHE WAS
WALKING OUT.
WALKING OUT. I HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE 6 A.M.
HAD TO DEFENDER WHO SELF.
WOULD HE HAVE SAID THAT TO A,
LIKE, MALE COWORKER OR DID HE
SAY IT TO HER BECAUSE HE KNEW
SHE WOULD FIRE BACK?
SHE DIDN'T APOLOGIZE.
SHE JUST -- I HAVE BEEN HERE A
LONG TIME BUT SHE FELT THE NEED
TO JUSTIFY FOR THAT.
STILL MAKES ME ANGRY AND THAT
WAS 20 YEARS AGO.
>> BUT YOU DO HAVE BOSSES THAT
ARE HEY, SHORT TIME.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU LEAVING ALREADY?
YOU'RE LIKE, I PUT IN MY HOURS
AND ALSO SO MANY OF US NOW
ESPECIALLY WITH TECHNOLOGY WE
ARE WORKING FROM HOME.
AND SO IT'S LIKE --
>> WE'RE ACCESSIBLE.
WE ARE TRYING TO JUGGLE IT ALL.
>> NUMBER 3, I HAVE BEEN
DEALING WITH MYSELF CALLING
YOUR PEDIATRICIAN.
YOUR PEDIATRICIAN. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR!
DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR CALLING
THEM AND FOR BOTHERING THEM.
I'LL TRYING TO GET THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAM BACK OR TEST
BACK ABOUT MY OLDEST AND I NEED
TO TALK TO HER, THEY ARE SAYING
SHE HAS ATTENTION ISSUES.
AND I LOVE MY PEDIATRICIAN AND
SHE HAS BLOWN ME OFF FOR WEEKS!
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT? >> THEY ARE JUST LIKE -- SHE IS
SO BUSY.
SO BUSY.
SO BUSY. CAN SHE SEE YOU IN APRIL?
I'M LIKE NO.
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW? IT'S JUST FRUSTRATING.
>> SQUEAKY WHEEL.
>> I KNOW.
>> I'M SURPRISED YOU HAVE YOUR
PEDIATRICIAN'S PHONE NUMBER.
>> NO, I'M CALLING THE OFFICE!
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
OH, NO. ARE YOU KIDDING?
>> WHAT'S HER NAME?
>> VERY SWEET WOMAN.
>> SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE YOU
CALLING ME.
CALLING ME. >> DO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
THE NEXT ONE GOES INTO IT ALSO
CALLING YOUR CARE PROVIDER.
YOU KNOW, YOUR DOCTOR SAYING,
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SORRY.
NOW, THAT I DON'T APOLOGIZE
FOR.
FOR.
FOR. >>
FOR. >> YOU'RE YOUR THE ADVOCATE FOR
THE CHILD.
THE CHILD. I KNOW THAT THEY HAVE LOTS OF
CLIENTS BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO
YOU.
YOU.
YOU. YOU
YOU. YOU SHOULD TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF AND NOT APOLOGIZE FOR
THAT.
THAT.
THAT. >>
THAT. >> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> EXACTLY.
>> EXACTLY. >> NEXT?
>> NEXT?
>> NEXT? >> WELL, NO.
BUT I COULD SEE MYSELF SAYING,
I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
MAYBE SOMETHING THAT I WOULDN'T
DEEM AS IMPORTANT.
BUT --
BUT --
BUT -- >>
BUT -- >> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> LIKE IT'S BLEEDING!
THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD.
>> MY HUSBAND IS LIKE WALK
AROUND, STRETCH IT OUT!
>> IT'S NICE TO HAVE A
PHYSICIAN HUSBAND.
PHYSICIAN HUSBAND. >> FOR THE MOST PART, THESE
TWO, NO, DON'T APOLOGIES FOR
THAT.
THAT.
THAT. YOU
THAT. YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S ADVOCATE
AND YOUR OWN BEST ADVOCATE.
>> SAYING NO GOING OUT WITH
FRIENDS, VOLUNTEERING,
FRIENDS, VOLUNTEERING, EXTENDING FAMILY COMMITMENTS,
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU JUST
WANT TO SAY NO.
BUT YOU FEEL GUILTY.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON A
ROUNDTABLE.
ROUNDTABLE. >> NO, NOT SORRY.
>> WELL, HERE'S THE DEAL.
I FEEL LIKE, UM, THIS HAPPENED
TO ME A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,
MOVIE NIGHT AT THE CHURCH.
I DROPPED ALL THREE OF MY
CHILDREN OFF, AND THEY SAY, OH,
WE'RE SHORT HELP.
AMANDA, CAN YOU STAY AND HELP?
AND SO, UM, YOU KNOW, I
COULDN'T SAY NO.
AND TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT?
I SAID, OH, I'M SO SORRY.
I HAVE DINNER PLANS.
NOW, GRANTED I JUST CHECKED MY
HUSBAND SAYING HEY LET'S MEET
FOR DINNER.
FOR DINNER. WE HAVE AN HOUR AND A HALF!
QUALITY TIME TOGETHER!
BUT IF I HAD JUST SAID NO AND
TURNED AROUND AND WALKED OFF
AND AT LEAST SAID I'M SORRY AND
SAID --
SAID --
SAID -- >> YOU WERE SORRY.
>> NO?
>> NO?
>> NO? >>
>> NO? >> NOW IN THAT PARTICULAR
INSTANCE I IMAGINE THAT IS WHEN
YOU'RE LIKE OH, I DON'T WANT TO
YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO BUT
-- 100% I WOULD APOLOGIZE.
>> WE'RE WORRIED WHAT OTHER
PEOPLE WILL THINK.
>> MY HUSBAND WAS OUT OF TOWN
ALL WEEKEND WITH THE DOGS AND
THE CHILDREN.
THE CHILDREN. >> OH!!
>> OH!!
>> OH!! FABULOUS!
FABULOUS!
FABULOUS! >> WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK US FOR
SUPPER?
SUPPER?
SUPPER? >> I SAT IN THE BATHTUB BY
MYSELF AND READ A BOOK AND HAD
HOT CHOCOLATE AND I DIDN'T FEEL
SORRY AT ALL.
I WOULD SAY, I'M SORRY, MY
HUSBAND IS OUT OF TOWN AND I
HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF AND
EVERYBODY IS OOO!
THEY UNDERSTOOD.
THEY UNDERSTOOD. >> THAT'S NICE.
>> IT IS NICE.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> ONCE IN A WHILE.
>> THE NO IS HARD.
THE NO IS A HARD ONE.
>> MY MOTHER IS VERY GOOD AT
NOT LIKE ELABORATING ON THINGS.
IF SHE CAN'T DO SOMETHING, SHE
IS LIKE, I'M SORRY, I CAN'T
MAKE IT.
MAKE IT.
MAKE IT. >> I'M SORRY.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH. >> I'M THE QUEEN OF THE
EXPLANATION.
EXPLANATION. BUT JUST NOT GOING TO BE ABLE
TO MAKE IT AND STOP.
>> IN OUR LAST 30 SECONDS,
HERE'S WHAT THEY SAY ARE SOME
ALTERNATIVES TO SORRY.
INSTEAD OF SAYING SORRY TO
COMPLAIN, SWITCH IT TO, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE. I'M SORRY, I FEEL LIKE I'M
COMPLAINING.
COMPLAINING. NO.
NO.
NO. SWITCH IT TO, YOU'RE A GREAT
LISTENER.
LISTENER.
LISTENER. I APPRECIATE YOU LISTENING.
IF YOU ARE RUNNING LATE INSTEAD
OF SAYING SORRY, SAY, THANK YOU
FOR WAITING.
FOR WAITING. >> OH, THAT'S GOOD.
>> THAT'S NICE.
>> THAT'S REALLY NICE.
>> INSTEAD OF SAYING SORRY TO
INTERRUPT, WHICH WE ALL DO YOU
KNOW WHAT?
KNOW WHAT? I'D LIKE TO ADD TO THAT.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
>> I HAVE AN IDEA.
>> I HAVE AN IDEA.
>> I HAVE AN IDEA!
>> WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND
I WAS -- LITERALLY THIS LADY
LOOKED AT ME AND SHE HAD
SADNESS.
SADNESS.
SADNESS. SADNESS IN HER EYES HOW I
LOOKED BECAUSE I HADN'T TAKEN A
SHOWER, I STILL HAD MY ALPACA
FLANNEL PAJAMA BOTTOMS ON AND I
SAID, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, I LOOK LIKE A TRASH
CAN.
CAN.
CAN. I
CAN. I DID.
I DID.
I DID. I
I DID. I DID.
I DID.
I DID. I
I DID. I DID APOLOGIZE.
>> I DO THAT.
>> I DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS
ANGRY.
ANGRY.
ANGRY. I
ANGRY. I THAT OUT SHE WAS LIKE HOW
SAD.
SAD.
SAD. >>>
SAD. >>> I WISH I COULD JUST GO OUT.
ON THE WAY IN.
JAN MADE A GREAT COMMENT,
THANKS FOR SHARING, SORRY I
DIDN'T RESPOND SOONER.
>> LINDA SAID FORGET ANYTHING
ANYONE SAYS BEFORE THE WORD
"BUT" BECAUSE THAT MEANS
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
NOTHING. >> TRUE.
>> TRUE.
>> TRUE. >> OKAY.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY. BUYING A CAR IS JUST A CLICK
AWAY.
AWAY.
AWAY. WE
AWAY. WE ARE GOING TO TELL YOU HOW
COMING UP NEXT.