(gentle music)
- [Narrator] Brandon's unwinding
with a little National Puppy Radio
while Punky's bed blogging.
A couple weeks back some shit went down.
All the way down.
Henry suggested she blog about it to feel better.
- What made me so sad
was that the space shuttle blew up.
- [Narrator] This better be one hell of a blog, folks.
It all started with some extremely cute dog magic.
Punky loves magic, she made her parents disappear.
Her next trick?
Slobbery slight of hand to ease viewers into this hellscape.
Punky says tomorrow's career day.
It's gonna be fuckin' sick, bruh.
Henry says this is a perfect time for a present
he's been waiting to give her orphan ass.
It's a camera.
A really old camera.
- It's the first camera I ever used.
- It looks like the first camera anybody ever used.
(audience laughs)
- [Narrator] Ah, the joys of adopting a child
just so she can roast you.
Punky's not interested in prehistoric Instagram.
And Henry can put that nice camera
all the way inside his butt
because she already knows what she wants
to be when she grows up.
But first
more dog magic.
Brandon wants to show Henry his new trick.
Henry reluctantly agrees to see a dog attempt magic.
I mean obviously this ain't gonna happen.
(audience laughing)
- That's amazing!
Good boy.
- [Narrator] Yo, that is not the appropriate response level
when a motherfucking dog
does motherfucking magic,
like not even close.
Career day's popping off.
Ballerinas and clowns and doctors, oh my!
Freddy wants to be Batman before he got a real costume.
Allan brought a gun to school,
when he grows up he wants to be the future.
Margeaux wants to be the prize lady on a game show.
But does she have what it takes?
(kids laugh)
- Peasants!
- [Narrator] A star is born.
And Punky wants to go to Coachella with her dog.
But since they don't let dogs in to Coachella,
she'll settle for being an astronaut.
She wants to discover new planets
where she also has no parents.
And Brandon wants to be the first hound
to chew his ass on Mars.
Now all the kids wanna be astronauts.
Because they're dumb and Job Halloween
is a giant waste of time.
Mike says this is the best week to get stoked on space.
The Challenger shuttle's launching with a teacher on board.
- I'm gonna bring my television
and we can all watch the launch together,
would you like that?
- [Kids] Yeah!
- [Narrator] I've got a great feeling about this.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
- We were watching the space shuttle take off and--
- Yes?
(somber music)
- It exploded.
- [Narrator] Henry wonders if perhaps an antique camera
might dry those tears.
- The shuttle exploded?
Are you sure?
- [Narrator] The fuck kind of question is that Henry?
He tries to see for himself, but Punky says please, no.
She hates re-runs.
Punky says the class counted down to launch and cheered.
Then stopped cheering 73 seconds later.
- All of a sudden, there was a big flash,
and smoke went in all directions.
- Yes?
- [Narrator] For a professional photographer,
Henry sure is taking a while to get the picture.
Punky says Mike turned it off and everyone started to cry.
Then they said a prayer for the astronauts
and also the TV writers who will be asked
to tackle this tomorrow.
Punky demands answers.
Why?
Henry says sometimes bad things happen to good people.
So those astronauts must've been
some really,
really good people.
Mike's reviewing for their tragedy midterm on the floor,
because lately it seems like the further you get
from the ground the more likely it is you'll explode.
- I kept hoping they'd go to a commercial,
when they came back, the astronauts would be saved by Mr. T.
- [Narrator] I pity the fool who has to raise Allan.
Punky thinks they were brave.
Mike agrees and tells the class
they should all be proud of these courageous explorers.
Allan's dad says this is gonna be the end of NASA.
Mike tells Allan his dad's an alcoholic.
Margeaux bets the next time they ask a teacher
to go to space, they'll say no.
Mike says he'd do it in a second
because she wildly overestimates the quality of life
for a public educator in America.
These traumatized youths no longer want to be astronauts.
Then they gang up on Punky for still wanting to go to space.
Because it's not bad enough she watched her heroes
burn to death in the sky on live television,
now she's getting clowned on for having dreams.
Meanwhile a palate-cleansing B-story
about Henry helping Betty with a dress.
One small who cares for man,
one giant oh my god who cares for mankind.
Knock knock, Houston, we have a cameo.
- Betty Johnson, meet Buzz Aldrin.
- [Narrator] Betty is thrilled to meet Buzz.
And wants to know if those YouTube documentaries
about aliens and shit are for real,
right after she grabs Punky.
Mike says Buzz was in town for a lecture
and he told him all about Punky.
And Buzz dropped everything to cheer up this emo orphan.
Buzz said he heard Punky wants to be an astronaut
but now her friends think she's cray cray.
Growing up, a lot of kids called Buzz cray cray, too,
but he showed all those stupid assholes.
Buzz says astronauts are explorers.
And explorers are often labeled loony.
Like Columbus when people thought the earth was flat.
Or the visionary who first milked a cow and drank it.
You know that guy caught some heat out of the gate.
Buzz gives Punky a Young Astronaut shirt.
She can wear it to let bullies know
she loves math and science
to streamline their locker shoving selection process.
Brandon wants to be a young astronaut, too.
Because he's not giving up on his dreams
of zero gravity lipstick licks.
Punky concludes her blog saying,
meeting Buzz Aldrin was all kinds of tits.
And a little shuttle moping will not stand
in the way of her plan to blast off on all her haters.
So what did we learn today?
Be careful what you wish for.
Because if you wish to one day be an astronaut,
you might see a spaceship explode
before the next commercial break.
And the world is a scary place where sometimes,
good people explode for no discernible reason.
But you can't let that or a room
full of indecisive peers stop you from your goals.
And if you're doing an episode about horrific tragedy,
lead with dog magic,
throw some costume kids in the middle,
and close with an old guy wearing a dress.
And there's nothing, and I mean nothing,
that can't be fixed with a free t-shirt.
See you next time on A very special episode.
(whirs and creaks)