- Let's see if we're compatible, huh?
I am the year of the horse.
- Yeah, that's what I heard.
- And you're the year of the dragon.
Uh, no.
It's not a good match.
- Oh no, no, no.
We are a good match.
I'm the year of the typhoid scare
of 1988, which also happens to be the year of the dragon.
So yep, oh wow look, yep it's true,
we're horrible.
(rock music)
- Meatballs.
- What?
- Best meatballs in Brooklyn.
Just stay right here, I'll be right back.
- Liza?
- Oh my god!
Michelle, Tom!
- Oh, where have you been?
You moved!
And you disappeared from Facebook.
I have been so worried about you.
- I've been staying with my friend Maggie.
She lives nearby.
- The lesbian artist?
You could have stayed with me.
- What are you guys doing here?
- Oh, every month we come to Brooklyn
to try out a hot new restaurant.
- And by hot, she means overpriced.
- You know, we should introduce Liza to Richard.
Richard is an absolute catch.
Also, recently divorced.
Promise me you'll call?
- I swear.
- Good.
- Oh Liza, it's so good to see you.
Don't be a stranger.
- It's straight ahead, it's straight ahead to the left.
Can't miss it.
- Who's that?
- It's just some older woman
looking for directions for the subway.
- And she kissed you?
- Yeah, she was very French.
- I cannot imagine how Diana would react
if she found out the truth.
- Oh my gosh Sheryl, she can't know.
I would lose my job.
- And Diana would be humiliated.
Gawker would have a field day with this.
But I would never.
- Good.
- Please, Liza, I'm your friend.
I just wonder if I can ask you one small favor.
- Of course, Sheryl, anything.
- Could you get me Emperical's marketing numbers
on the Ellen book?
- You're putting me in
a very compromising position here.
- Well, you're putting me in
a very compromising position
to have to lie for you to Diana Trout.
- Here you are.
- What's this?
- Oh, sweetie, it's our email exchange.
It's you asking for all of Emperical's
profit and loss and marketing numbers.
This goes straight to Gawker unless you back off.
- You'd be ruined too.
- I lose a shitty assistant job.
You're the one who loses everything.
- I wonder how long you think
you can really get away with this.
- I guess we'll find out.
- Come on, I can't lie to your friends.
And they're my friends too.
- But you don't understand.
I have to lie about my age at work
or I'll get fired.
- I mean, you could tell Cosie.
She'd be shocked, but she'd get over it.
- Hi.
There's something that I need to tell you.
Will you sit down?
- No, you sit.
Charles just gave me my own imprint.
- What?
- For millennials by Millennials.
I get to run it.
- That's fantastic.
- It's gonna be huge.
And I want you to be a part of it.
- Really?
- Of course, yes.
You're smart, you're young,
you have great taste.
I don't wanna do this without you.
- Then I'm here for you.
- We're gonna be 26 year old bosses.
(laughs)
Wait, you had something to tell me.
- Nothing.
Yay.
(exclaims)
- Liza, are you stressed?
You look like you've aged 14 years
since I last saw you.
- I texted you like a hundred times last night.
- Oh yeah, I was sleeping like a baby.
Leverage does that for you.
- All right, what do you want, Thad?
- Okay, here's how this is gonna work.
You are gonna delete that video,
you are going to attend our wedding as a bridesmaid,
and I will let you keep your job
as long as you keep me happy.
- What does that mean?
- I don't know yet, but I'll figure it out.
- You know what, you do what you gotta do,
but I'm showing her that video.
She deserves to know what kind of person
she's gonna be spending the rest of her life with.
You can tell everybody about me.
I don't really care anymore.
- Wait, wait, wait.
This isn't over.
- Oh yes it is.
(metal scraping)
(sirens wailing)
(upbeat music)
- I'm sure Lynn can get your laptop open
in a few minutes.
- Minutes?
I'm insulted.
Let me see it.
- What if he's got stuff about other girls on there?
Like weird videos?
- Kelsie, you don't have to open it
if you don't want to.
- But there could be some really sweet, meaningful stuff.
- All done.
- Seriously?
- I know, I was hoping for more of a challenge too.
- I'm really doing this.
- I'm right here.
Whatever we find out, we find out together.
- I'll give you some privacy.
- Wait, Lynn, what was the password?
- Deesnuts.
- Deesnuts?
That my favorite snack.
- Are they like grapenuts?
- What are grapenuts?
- He's saying his nuts are my favorite snack.
- Meaning his balls.
- Ew.
- You know what?
I'm done.
Deesnuts are the last secret of Thad's
that I need to know about.
Hey, do me a favor.
Launch this into the pool for me.
- Seriously?
Excellent.
(crowd cheers)
- Rest in peace, Thad.
- Hey, it's all over, Maggie.
As soon as that helicopter lands,
my two worlds are gonna collide.
- Oh my god, Liza!
- What am I gonna do?
- Do you have a parachute?
- Liza, hustle!
- I've gotta tell you all something.
The people in this town know me,
and it's possible they might be
saying things about me which might be confusing.
I'm not the person you think I am,
and I don't want you to be shocked.
- Take your laptop, we're now landing.
- What?
- What do you mean?
- Kim just told me that old man Zuckerberg
rescued an independent bookstore in Detroit
staffed by orphans or some shit.
I can't look like I'm copying him.
- Well, you can send it anonymously.
- Take it back up, Brian.
(static noise)
- Oh god, it's like the Great Wall of China
all over again.
- Oh no, it's just circling.
- No, it's going back up.
- Do they not know it's us?
(shouting)
- Someone show their tits!
- Come back!
(pilot announces)
- What were you gonna say?
- Huh?
- You said you didn't want us to be shocked.
- Did I?
- Yes.
You also said you weren't the person
we thought you were?
Who are you then?
What's the big, bad secret?
- I was a slut in high school.
- I know you're 40.
- What?
Why would you say that?
You know that I went to Dartmouth
with Marta Beem, Deer Slayer.
We ran into each other at that assistants' mixer.
- She only pretended to recognize you that night.
The truth is, she had to go through
the Dartmouth alumni directory to find you.
And she did, but like, way back in the 90's.
- Okay look, I couldn't get hired as a 40 year old.
And I was desperate to get back into publishing.
- Your secret is safe with me.
- Thank you, so much.
- That's the good news.
The bad news is no one is seeing the potential
in my doodle book,
and on top of that, the woofers such a snooze,
I have nothing to write about.
Except, can you imagine if EW knew your story?
- I thought EW was focused on entertainment,
not people's private business.
That's literally what entertainment is.
- Swallow, you're about to get a book deal.
(bell ringing)
- Hi, I have an announce to make.
Millennial's newest author
is actually here with us tonight.
Please give a warm welcome to Emily Burns.
(clapping)
- I think truth is more elastic
than we can imagine.
But it still has value.
Because without it, there is no trust.
(dramatic music)
And without trust, there is no love.
And that is why I have to confess
something extremely difficult.
To a group of people that I have come to love very much.
And to whom I owe so much.
And whose forgiveness I wouldn't have
the presumption to ask for.
- What?
What is it?
- I'm not--
- Going to marry Josh.
Josh, he proposed.
And Liza, I know that this has been really hard for you.
- Oh for god's sake, this is a business meeting!
We do not discuss our personal lives.
I apologize for that, Charles.
- It's fine.
- Liza, we need to talk.
- Give us a moment first.
- Liza?
- Bob, hi!
What are you doing here?
- Well I have a meeting nearby.
What are you doing here?
- Oh, I just really love this chopped salad place.
- Seriously?
You don't have chopped salad places in Brooklyn?
- (chuckles) This is the best one.
- Ah.
- How's Rose?
Caitlin said she got accepted
to the honors program for environmental studies?
- Yes, she's going to save the planet evidently.
- Oh, thank god!
- Diana?
Diana?
- Diana, that's me.
Thank you.
I never use my real name.
It's a pro tip.
Love to Julia.
- Thank you, Sheila.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
(upbeat music)
- What are you doing?
That's Caitlin's roommate's father.
- Sexual misconduct
comes in many forms. - Go.
- We all know the obvious ones.
Sexting, masturbating in front of a co-worker.
Everyone knows that's just wrong.
- I'll handle this.
- But let's talk about some
of the less obvious offenses.
They come in many forms.
- I received a very unsettling phone call
from the fact checker this morning.
She was insinuating something very odd about your age.
Reese's in pieces.
Liza, how old are you?
- I'm age queer.
- What?
- I'm age queer.
That fact checker was trying
to age shame us for being young,
so I told them I'm old in protest.
And it's like, "Who cares?"
I don't identify as any age.
- Neither do I.
- They were so focused on how successful we were
for our age, and it shouldn't matter how old we are.
- Exactly.
Screw them.
- Who's them?
- The patriarchy.
- So I told them I'm 41.
And let them think that for all I care.
We're post age.
- But how old, I'm confused.
- It's confusing.
But it's not wrong.
Every time you get a bunch
of strong, powerful women together,
it's their looks, their age,
they're too young, they're too sexy.
- I mean what are they gonna do?
Throw us in "The Handmaid's Tale"?
(chuckles)
- Under his eye, girl.