- Comin' to the stage, ladies and gentlemen,
you know her as a cast member of Wild 'n Out.
Let's go! (audience applauds)
She got a sold out tour across the country!
Make some noise
for B. Simone! (upbeat hip hop music)
(audience applauds) - What's up, Atlanta?
(audience cheers)
Yes!
Okay, shut the (bleep) up. (audience laughs)
Damn, enough, have a seat, have a seat.
How y'all doin'? (audience cheers)
Y'all excited to be here? - Yeah!
- You're so cute.
Keep smilin' like that, bitch, I like it (grunts).
(audience laughs)
Now, who's single in here?
(audience cheers) Single?
Ooh, we so depressed, we try to act like--
(audience laughs)
Yeah, we try to act happy, woo, I'm goin' crazy (laughs).
I have been single for not one, not two, not three,
not four, not five. (audience laughs)
But seven years, I've been single.
I said single, not celibate, y'all not finna judge me.
(B. Simone laughs) (audience laughs)
Seven years, now ladies, you know when we single,
we go through these phases, right?
Are you single?
No, you don't know, you're like bitch, I'm confused.
I don't know. (audience laughs)
He won't tell me what we are, bitch, I don't (laughs).
Who's single right up here, right, you single, okay.
Now, what phase are you in?
You in the happy phase, the lit phase, the sad phase?
The happy phase.
Your eyes are telling me different.
(audience laughs)
The happy phase, one of the first phases we go through
as single women is a boss up phase, right, ladies?
Soon as you leave him, what?
I'm startin' a boutique, (bleep) it.
(audience laughs)
Bought those two for 99, hoo!
(pants) I'm startin' a business sellin' shirts
out the trunk of my car, (bleep) it, he gon' know
I'm a boss with or without him.
(audience laughs)
Bitch, you sold two shirts this year, drop it.
(audience laughs)
That don't last long.
Right after that boss up phase, what's after it?
That sad phase, bitch. (audience laughs)
Look, I gotta set this up.
'Cause you ain't never
dealt with a (bleep) boy if you ain't done this.
Look, some of y'all laughin' 'cause y'all know
what the (bleep) I'm about to do.
You be so sad over that (bleep), bitch.
(exhales) Pull up in front of y'all house in yo car.
(audience laughs) If you ain't got no car,
bitch, I need to use your car, I ain't gon' go nowhere.
(audience laughs)
Park that bitch (laughs).
(B. Simone shrieks) (audience laughs)
Why he don't love me (sobs)? (audience laughs)
And ladies, why do we always have to look at ourselves
when we cry (shrieks)? (audience laughs)
Gotta get that (bleep) out, that's the sad depressed phase.
But look, that don't last long.
You get through it, seriously, when you get
through a heartbreak, you feel so liberated.
You get through it like F them, I'm over it, whatever.
So God got me through it, maybe I need to get close
to the God, right?
It's the quickest phase of 'em all.
(audience laughs)
The celibate phase, ooh, tried it, hated it, ah!
(audience laughs) Ah!
Celibate phase, now after that, you're like okay, look.
God knows my heart.
I'm just gon' be a hoe 'cause
here's the thing, I don't really think I'm a hoe
'cause it's like hoes get paid for sex, right?
Eh.
I'm not, it's like at this point, a non-profit.
(audience laughs)
(laughs) Community service. (audience laughs)
I should've made it half off, now it's on clearance.
It's free.
I ain't got a man, but yo, I really, all jokes aside,
we have to be safe out here 'cause the STD rate
is skyrocketing, right, but I will say sometimes.
You accidentally-- (audience laughs)
(B. Simone laughs)
You like ooh, I slipped, oh, no condom, (bleep) ah.
Do it without a condom, now ladies, what's the first thing
you do that next morning after you have unprotected sex?
What?
She look, look.
She said Plan B, you have 72 hours, you don't have to rush.
(audience laughs)
But the first thing you do, you recite
the nervous bitch prayer, right?
Guys do it too, but guys be like man, Jesus,
please I don't even know the hoe, man.
(audience laughs)
Man, Jesus, please, man, you my (bleep) or not, man?
(audience laughs)
Girls, we do it right, okay.
We like okay, what did I learn in Sunday school?
Get on your knees, I know I was on my knees last night,
but I really need you, Lord. (audience laughs)
God, I ask you to remove anything in my body
that should not be there, God.
(audience laughs)
A bacteria, a virus, a fetus, God, I just.
(audience laughs) (B. Simone laughs)
Please, Jesus, I know you can do it.
And ladies, what we say, God, if you get me through this,
I will-- (audience chatters)
God, be like, hoe, get up, just--
(audience laughs) Y'all, I'm B. Simone.
That's my time, thank you guys.
♪ Wildin', wildin', wildin', wildin' ♪