RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S
RAPID REFRESH.
THE UNITED STATES HAS A NEW POET LAUREATE, RIGHT.
JUAN FELIPE HERRERA, AMERICA'S FIRST LATINO POET LAUREATE
BEAT OUT ALL THE OTHER POETS BY A
WIDE MARGIN AND SIMPLY DOMINATED THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
HERRERA, SEEN HERE IN HUMAN FORM, WRITES POETRY THAT IS
HEARTFELT AND BEAUTIFUL AND IMPORTANT, I ASSUME.
BUT IT'S 21st CENTURY, I LIKE MY POETRY LIKE I LIKE
MY BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S: SLAMMED!
>>DAD, YOU ARE THE---I HAVE EVER MET.
THANK YOU. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T BE HALF THE---I
AM TODAY.
>> JUST SAYING.
>>CHRIS: TAKE THAT, DAD.
ISN'T THAT SORT OF THE SUBTEXT OF ALL SLAM POETRY?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW "DUCK DYNASTY" HAD A POETRY SHOW.
(APPLAUSE) >> CHRIS: A HUNDRED POINTS FOR
THAT.
>> SO MUCH RACISM, HARD TO CONTAIN.
>>CHRIS: QUACK, QUACK, PHIL ROBERTSON.
ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, GIVE US A QUICK POEM FROM
AMERICAN'S SLAM POET LAUREATE
>> BLACK BODIES SWIM AT POOL PARTY, WHITE COPS NOT
INVITED. SO MUCH JEALOUSY. NIGHT STICK, NIGHT STICK, NIGHT STICK.
(APPLAUSE)
>>CHRIS: DUDE, THAT'S LIKE A REAL SERIOUS SLAM POET-- THAT'S
REAL.
THAT'S REAL.
>> THAT'S WHY I'M DOING THIS.
SLAM IT.
>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, MEGAN NEURINGER.
>> O.
M.
G.
LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN, ON FLEEK, ON FLEEK, BLACK
BABY EMOJI.
>>CHRIS: POINTS.
>> JON DALY.
>> MEGAN, BRANDON, CHRIS AND ME TOO. AREN'T WE A HANDSOME
CREW?
HERE WE ARE IN THE WITCHING HOUR, YET NO ONE'S FACE IS
LOOKING SOUR.
WE'RE ALL GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR, THANKFUL FOR THE
MANY BLESSINGS WE'VE BEEN GIVEN THIS YEAR.
POINTS, POINTS AND POINTS FOR ALL.
WAS @MIDNIGHT FUN?
MOM, I HAD A BALL.
(APPLAUSE) POINTS.
>>CHRIS: THIS IS SLAM POETRY, NOT "PRARIE HOME COMPANION."
>> YEAH, I RHYMED, IT'S BETTER WHEN YOU RHYME.
>> I THOUGHT AT THE END, HE WAS GONNA GO "WAKA FLOCKA!"
>> THAT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A HUGE LAUGH.