- I had bad anxiety, man.
If you have anxiety, I feel for you.
I feel for you.
You're on your own with that shit, man.
People don't get it, man.
Here's the best two things I learned about anxiety.
Number one, people that don't suffer from anxiety
have no clue how anxiety works, none.
My friends used to be like, "Dude, relax.
Calm down, dude."
No!
What, do you think this is a switch
I flick on and off?
I wake up with this shit.
When you have anxiety, you wake up with it.
I used to be catapulted into every morning.
The second my eye would see the ceiling fan,
I'd be doing 95 miles an hour downhill.
That's how I'd wake up, just...
[snoring]
[groaning angrily]
Stomachache means we're awake.
World is crumbling around me--check.
Never gonna meet the one and have a family--check.
This dog was a mistake, let's be honest--check.
[applause]
Here's the second thing I learned about anxiety.
The people that don't suffer from anxiety
are the people who cause anxiety.
All right?
Nothing freaks me out more
than being around a bunch of calm people.
It stresses me out.
I'm like, "What do they know that we don't know right now?
"Did they take something?
Were we supposed to take something?"
I don't trust calm people.
If you're calm and you're not on meds,
I don't trust you.
Two types of people in this world I don't trust--
anybody who's calm and not on meds
and anybody who's sober that never had a drinking problem.
No, no.
Did you ever meet somebody like that?
"I don't know what to tell you. I just don't touch the stuff."
Really?
You look at this world and go,
"Huh, looks good to me,
don't need to fog that up at all"?
You're lying.
Of course I drink.
Of course I take Prozac.
Of course I've gone to therapy.
Life is brutal.
You need a helping hand.
That's how you get through.
I'll tell you the best realization I've had
in 39 years on this planet.
It's that I think it's really stupid
when somebody goes, "Oh, man,
"if I only knew then what I know now.
"Man, if I knew back then what I know now,
whole different ball game, dude."
Let me tell you something.
If I knew then what I know now,
I would have fucking killed myself.
Yeah.
This hasn't been worth the effort.
But I'm in too deep.
I got to ride it out at this point.
It's terrible, man.
Older you get, man,
more scared of dying you get.
I could never do it at this point, no way.
You scared of dying, buddy?
- No. - No?
You should.
Why?
You're gonna die.
That's not a threat, by the way.
I'm not--
I'm not gonna follow you into the graveyard.
"Told you."
[groans menacingly]
"12 more to go.
I knew I could do it."
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
That's a--
that's a weird thing to clap for.
"You can do it.
Kill the people."
No, but you're gonna die, man, you know?
I'm afraid to die, man. I really am.
I'm truly, truly afraid to die...
'cause I do love life.
I know I'm bitching about it
and I say it's brutal and everything.
I love life. I really do.
I love life.
I hate people.
That's the difference.
And life is riddled with people.
It's just part of the deal.
And it's not that I have zero belief in people.
It's not.
It's just that the average person
is gonna do whatever they think they can get away with,
and they're not gonna give a fuck
about how it affects you.
Egos once again.
And it's not just progressives. It's everybody.
Olympians, huge ego.
Your dickhead boss, huge ego.
Jeffrey Dahmer, gigantic fucking ego.
And if you've got clout, forget it.
Oh, my God, if you have clout,
you're gonna really pull some shit off,
and you'll get away with it.
The more clout you have,
the crazier the stuff is you can get away with.
I'm telling you, look at Arizona.
Let's talk about Arizona.
Is anybody else sick of Arizona
doing whatever they feel like all the time?
And then for some reason, we all have to talk about it.
They just started recognizing Martin Luther King Day,
recently.
That was an uphill battle with Arizona.
They're shitty about immigration.
They tried to pass a law a few years back
where they wouldn't have to serve gay people.
They don't do daylight savings time!
You know how irritating that is?
We're all doing it.
Arizona is like, "No, you figure out what time it is here.
It's not our problem."
"You'll never know when it's too late to call."
And once again, people sitting around in bars,
"How we gonna change Arizona?
How we gonna fix Arizona? What are we're gonna do?"
We're not.
We're not gonna fix Arizona.
Can we stop trying to save everybody in this country?
Can we stop trying to change everybody in this country?
Let's start cutting some of the fat
off of this steak already, all right?
It's time to turn our backs on Arizona.
[cheers and applause]
We don't need the state.
We don't need it.
We don't need another state.
We've got plenty of states.
Let's turn our back on them. Let them fade away forever.
Why can't we do what Europe's been doing
since the beginning of time?
You know what they have all across Europe
that we don't have here?
Ruins.
Ruins all across Europe.
When you walk up to a crumbly building
and go, "What the fuck happened to this place?"
There's a guy there, he goes,
"Oh, these were a bunch of stupid assholes
"that couldn't keep up with the rest of us,
so we let them die."
"Want to go in and look at their mistakes?
"It's hilarious.
Costs five bucks."
Arizona's, what, two-thirds desert?
I made that figure up.
But, hey, let's make it all-thirds desert.