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Wouldn’t it be great to win any argument? Well, now you can. Certain FBI negotiation
techniques can make you successful at talking down confrontation and getting what you want.
The surprising thing is that these are strategies you can use in any situation;
whether you're trying to get a raise from your boss or attempting to persuade a friend
that you're right, these techniques will make all the difference. If these tactics
are good enough in hostage situations, they’re good enough for your daily life.
The first and perhaps most important thing to recognize before using any of these techniques
is that you're actually in a negotiation situation. You may think you’re having
a normal discussion with someone when in reality, you’re negotiating for what you want.
FBI experts warn the most dangerous negotiations are the ones you don’t know you’re in. There are
some keywords to listen for and then leverage in order to choose which tactic from this video will
work best. If you hear words like “I want,” “I need,” or “will you” come out of someone’s mouth,
that means you’re negotiating, and it’s time to bring out the big guns.
The trick is that once you realize you’re in this situation, you need to get into the right mindset.
During any negotiation, FBI agents are taught to remain
calm and keep a level head no matter what happens. If you lose control of
your emotions during a negotiation, the other person has already won. According to the FBI,
you also need to remember that negotiations go both ways. You may not get everything you want,
and you may have to concede a bit in order to get some of what you want, or no one will win.
Negotiations are different than ultimatums in that there are ways for both sides to get something
they want. Even in high-stakes circumstances, there doesn't have to be just one winner.
It is once you accept that you’re in a negotiation that it's time to adjust the
way you think and how you are going to proceed from here on out. You need to ask yourself:
“what does the other person want and why?” Once you are at this stage, take a deep breath, and
follow the expert advice divulged by FBI agents on how to get what you want out of a negotiation.
This first technique might seem pretty obvious. However, the crazy part is that
FBI negotiators were told not to do this for a long time. Then, everything changed.
FBI negotiators need to keep their emotions in check, but recent research has found
that emotions in a negotiation can actually be beneficial to your cause.
A good negotiator never ignores the emotions of the person they’re talking to, and they
certainly don’t ignore their own. This should be the case when you are negotiating as well.
By leveraging the emotions of the person you are talking to, you can find ways to connect
with them, show them empathy, and work towards a solution. But in order to do this, FBI negotiators
reiterate that you need to recognize and accept the emotions present and not repress them. It is
recommended that whenever you are in a discussion with someone, you always need to watch, listen,
and analyze what they are doing and feeling. In this sense, one of the best pieces of advice
FBI negotiators give is to keep your mouth shut as much as possible because the more someone talks,
the more likely they will be to make a mistake or divulge information that you can use later on.
But this tactic isn’t just for high-pressure situations in the field;
you can use it in your own life as well. Oftentimes in relationships, there are decisions
that two people disagree over. Rather than letting this disagreement build up into an argument,
there may be a way to diffuse the situation and come to a decision using the embracing of emotions
FBI negotiators recommend. If you find yourself disagreeing with someone and getting agitated,
it is important to recognize that and step back from that negative emotion.
The same can be said for the person you are negotiating with. If you notice anger
starting to arise in the other party, you will want to quickly move to one of
the next techniques to help redirect the conversation to a more productive path.
There are concrete techniques that the FBI uses when trying to make the other person feel
like they're being heard. This can allow them to keep tensions down and move the
conversation towards the desired outcome. One of the most powerful tools they use to
do this is selectively mirroring the words of the opposite party.
This strategy is used by FBI negotiators pretty frequently. How it works is that when the person
you are negotiating with is done speaking, you repeat the last 1 to 3 words they just said.
This is one way to show that you are listening to them and their side of the argument,
but there is another reason to mirror words.
FBI agents have found that mirroring the last few words of the person they are negotiating with
allows them to establish a rapport with the other person. This is true both if you
already know the person or are meeting them for the first time. Mirroring their words
causes them to lower their guard slightly and feel safer divulging more information.
Not only does the mirroring technique help you build a rapport, but it also slows the
conversation down. No matter how good you are at negotiating, you will always need time to think;
mirroring does not take a lot of effort and allows you to think while also building trust
with the other person. The more they talk, the more you can listen and mirror their words;
this will help you navigate the conversation and drive it in the direction that you want.
The next technique is subtle yet highly effective, according to FBI negotiators.
There is a difference between feeling emotional and feeling empathy. The
latter is a game-changer when in a negotiation situation.
It is important to recognize emotions in the person you’re negotiating with,
but it is even more important that you let them know you understand their emotions. This doesn’t
necessarily mean you feel exactly what they feel or have felt that way before, but that you can
share in the emotion. FBI negotiators call this tactical empathy. The best way to do this is by
using phrases like “it sounds like you are afraid of…” and “it looks like you’re concerned about…”.
Using this type of language tells the other person you are listening and empathizing with them.
But this is a two-way street. According to FBI negotiators, it is also important for
you to say what the other person might be feeling towards you before they do.
For example, instead of waiting to be called “selfish” during a negotiation,
it may be worth identifying that the other person might feel this way towards you.
Saying something like, “I know this sounds selfish…”. As long as you are careful and plan
what you communicate to the other party, you won’t say anything that they aren't already thinking.
The best part about using empathy is that it builds a connection with the person you’re
negotiating with, which helps build influence. This will allow you to reach a final decision
that works in your favor. Expert negotiators say that it is imperative to gain the other
party's trust within the first 10 seconds after negotiations begin. The best way to do this is
by using tactical empathy to show that you understand the other person's challenges.
FBI negotiators use tactical empathy to identify key obstacles that the other party wants to
overcome. This same technique can be beneficial in any negotiation you find yourself in. By listening
and empathizing with the other person, you will be able to uncover what is actually standing in the
way of both parties getting what they want. You can then leverage that information to show how
what you’re asking for can alleviate some of the stress or challenges the other person is facing.
This may provide the opportunity for a mutually beneficial decision to be made.
To be clear, FBI negotiators make sure to point out that there is a big difference
between empathizing and sympathizing. You don’t need to show you agree with the other party.
This is especially true in many situations that require an FBI investigator. If you and
the other person agree, then there would be no negotiation. You also don’t need to necessarily
show compassion for the other person either. If someone is being rude or unreasonable,
you don’t need to roll over and take it, but you do need to remain calm. Empathizing with
the other person and showing them you understand their side of the argument
or what they’re feeling is a good way to reduce tension and allow for forward progression.
This may be hard to hear, but you’re going to make mistakes;
whether it happens during your normal day or during a negotiation, no one is perfect. However,
FBI negotiators emphasize that making mistakes is okay and being corrected by the other party
is actually what you want because it can cause them to let their guard down.
Admitting our mistakes is extremely difficult. We can oftentimes get defensive even when we
know we’re wrong. This problem can be exacerbated in a negotiation situation
unless you use your mistakes to your advantage. In fact, FBI negotiators will even intentionally make
minor mistakes so the other person will point them out, and the negotiator can admit that they were
wrong. This tends to put the other party at ease, which allows for a more productive conversation.
FBI negotiators explain that the reason making mistakes works in these situations
is because the other side can actually feel enjoyment from pointing out your error.
This causes them to want to continue talking to you and let their guard down.
Being at ease also tends to force people to feel like they are collaborating instead of arguing,
which means they may be more willing to listen to what you have to say as well.
All of these positives come from just admitting that you made a mistake.
There is also a more sneaky side to this technique. By
purposefully mentioning a challenge that the other person is not currently facing,
they will stop arguing to correct you. When this happens, they may also reveal information
that you can leverage. In a situation where you plan on intentionally making a mistake,
you need to calculate your cost to benefit ratio. You don’t want to annoy the other person or sound
incompetent by making a lot of false assumptions. But if you make a mistake, either by choice
or by accident, it is almost inevitable that it will help lower the guard of the other person
and cause them to open up and divulge more information than they would have initially.
It may be helpful to examine this technique in a real-life situation. If you are asking your
boss for a raise and they keep refusing, you might make the intentional mistake of saying,
“it’s okay that you can’t increase my salary by much since the company didn’t make as much
profit as we expected this year.” If you know this information to be false, it could trick your boss
into correcting you by saying the company actually exceeded profit expectations. At this point,
you can then leverage the information your boss just put on the table in order to explain
your role in helping to make that profit, and therefore, as a justification for getting a raise.
FBI negotiators warn that accepting your mistakes is one of the tougher techniques to master.
It is not something that comes naturally, as we don’t normally like being wrong.
And chances are, in a negotiation situation, your mistakes will not be planned but will
happen by accident. Some negotiators even suggest practicing this skill by
using deductive reasoning to analyze different situations you are in. Sometimes you’ll be right;
other times, you’ll be wrong. When you’re wrong, practice accepting that fact,
especially when someone corrects you. It will be hard at first, but with time,
you will be able to easily accept being corrected, which will be helpful in future negotiations.
This next tactic might sound wrong to you, but according to FBI negotiators,
there is one word you actually want to hear. The word is “no.”
How can this be true, you may ask? It all has to do with the word “yes” being counterproductive.
The problem with asking questions or giving ultimatums that someone has to say yes to
is that it can push them too hard. This can cause them to close off from the conversation.
Regardless of if you’re right or not, getting someone to concede to you before the actual
end of a negotiation can hurt your chances of winning. This is because people normally feel
like there is a catch if they need to say yes to something during the negotiation process.
In order to get around this problem, you can try framing questions in a way that “no”
is the answer you want. A good example of this is instead of asking someone,
“will you do this?” ask, “do you have a problem with doing this?” The answer you are looking for
is different for both questions, but the outcome you want is the same.
The person being asked these questions during a negotiation is much more likely to give you
the “no” answer than the “yes” one, even if it ends up getting them to do the same thing.
Also, allowing the other side to say “no” gives them a sense of power and control. To them,
it feels like they aren’t conceding anything because they aren’t using the affirmative.
FBI negotiators like to use this tactic by asking, “is now a bad time to talk?” Obviously, the agent
wants the other person to say “no” so they can continue the conversation, but if they asked,
“is this a good time to talk?” the “yes” answer may be much harder for the other person to say.
Often, FBI negotiators use this technique to show that the requests they’re asking for are not
unreasonable. This can also be done in everyday life. If you want someone to clean up after
themselves rather than asking, “can you please stop making a mess?” you could ask, “would you
mind picking up your things after you’re done?” They are much more likely to give you the answer
you want in the second question because they feel like they still have power in the conversation.
FBI negotiators have another technique they use in conjunction with asking “no” questions.
There is a special tool in their arsenals that can redirect a conversation in a way
that tricks the other party into agreeing to the negotiator's terms.
There are two simple words that every FBI negotiator loves to hear: “that’s right.”
There are a few reasons for this, but a main one is that the words “that’s right” are a cue to the
negotiator that they are moving in the correct direction. It means they understood what the
other party was saying, and now they can use other means to get them to do what they want. But there
is another more powerful reason why “that’s right” is so important to hear during a negotiation.
You should always keep an ear out for those words because it means that the other person
feels understood. This is connected to the empathy tactic mentioned before.
The more the other person believes that you understand what they are saying or how they feel,
the better your chances are of building some kind of bond or relationship with them. And the crazy
part is that when someone says “that’s right,” it likely means they are starting to let their
guard down. This building of trust, no matter how small, is a huge win in any negotiation.
One of the easiest ways to get someone to the stage in the discussion where they will utter
those magic words is by reaffirming that you hear what they’re saying. This can be
done through the mirroring technique discussed earlier, but a more powerful way to get them to
this point is by summarizing their perspective. Saying something like, “I just want to make
sure I understand what you’re saying,” and then restating their ideas might be enough.
However, as we mentioned earlier, you are going to make mistakes. This summarization stage is a
perfect place to find holes in your understanding, apologize for being wrong, and empathize with the
other person. This will all gain you more favor and rapport with the other party while also
clarifying anything that you may have missed. Once you are both on the same page, the words “that’s
right” will likely be spoken, and then you know the negotiation is heading in the right direction.
It is important to note that just because you are repeating what someone is saying
to show you're listening does not mean you agree with the
other person. Saying “I agree with you” can be counterproductive to your side of the argument
and could prevent you from ending up where you want. By working towards the “that’s
right” statement, all you're doing is clearing up misconceptions and breaking down barriers.
When you reach this point, it is important to remember the exact facts that got you
to “that’s right” in the first place. This is because if you need to gain trust back later on,
you can bring it up again. For example, if you discover that someone is overwhelmed
because they have too much on their plate and they make that known to you,
don’t be afraid to circle back to that fact when you need to re-focus the conversation.
If your negotiation tactics go sideways and the other party starts to get disgruntled,
remind them that you heard how overwhelmed they were and understand how stressful it can be.
This will slow things down and allow the other person to vent some more. As they talk,
you will gain even more insight and be able to steer the conversation in the right direction.
And here’s a pro tip from FBI negotiators: if you feel like you haven’t empathized with the
other party or gotten a “that’s right” in a while, you are not laying it on thick enough.
During a negotiation, someone really needs to know that you are listening to them and that you
understand where they’re coming from. If you don’t feel like you have done enough to show you’re
listening to the other party, then you haven’t. It is time to reevaluate and make sure you
mirror their speech, tell them that you hear what they’re saying, and heavily lay on the empathy;
otherwise, you are quickly going to lose any of the ground you already gained. The phrase “that’s
right” is a good indicator that your negotiation tactics are going in the right direction.
FBI negotiators can’t stress enough how important it is for the opposite party to feel heard.
If you are given the opportunity, it isn’t a bad idea to write down key points to come
back to if needed. For example, if you are negotiating with someone over the phone,
it might be worth jotting down notes on a pad for future reference. A perfect example of this came
from a hostage situation in the Philippines where an FBI negotiator was brought in as a consultant
The kidnapper was holding a hostage and wanted $10 million to secure her release. The hostage-taker
maintained that war damages needed to be paid from over a hundred years ago. The negotiator
in the situation was coached by FBI agents who told him to write down all of the grievances
and repeat them back to the kidnapper. After doing so, the kidnapper stopped asking for the money as
he knew the negotiator had heard him. Eventually, the hostage was released and brought to safety.
The power of repeating what the other party is saying while in a negotiation cannot be
overstated. It is a key component of every FBI negotiator's arsenal. They
don’t agree to the terms or demands, but they do listen to what the other party has to say
and make sure they know they've been heard.
A more obvious negotiation tactic that you oftentimes see in movies is when a negotiator
allows the other party to believe they have control in a situation. The great part is that
if you use the techniques discussed in this video, you can actually create this illusion.
According to FBI negotiators, you should never try and force the opposite party to
admit that they’re wrong and you’re right. In any type of negotiation,
this will never get you anywhere. However, there is one trick that
can allow you to tire out the other party and give you the upper hand.
By causing mental fatigue in whoever you're negotiating with, you will provide yourself
with more opportunities to maneuver the conversation in the direction you want.
You can tire out the other person by asking them "how" or "what" questions. Then all you have to
do is sit back and listen to their response. The more the other person talks, and the more patient
you are during a negotiation, the more likely you will find an opportunity to gain an advantage.
The harder you make the other person work in the negotiation by letting them speak more frequently,
the more you will learn about them and their
situation. This will allow you to leverage their emotions later on,
which brings us to the next technique you can use in your life when negotiating with someone.
As you listen to the other person, take note of the different emotions that arise. If you can find
something that triggers a positive emotion, hold onto it. FBI negotiators are always on the lookout
for ways to magnify positive emotions to help put the other party in a positive frame of mind.
This can make them more comfortable and relaxed, making them easier to reason with.
It is also important to remember that in every negotiation—even those in everyday life—both
sides have strong convictions. As much as you want the negotiation to come out in your favor,
the other party wants the exact same thing for themselves. It should also be said that
all of the tactics mentioned in this video can also be used against you. Therefore,
you always need to be aware of what the other person is doing to make sure you
don’t get fooled by the same tricks you are implementing to win a negotiation.
This brings us to another important point. Something that is much easier said than done.
Regardless of the situation and how you feel, you must do this.
FBI negotiators deal with the worst of the worst. And even though their job is difficult
and the people they deal with have made very bad choices, the negotiator needs to remain calm and
keep a semblance of respect. If the opposite party feels disrespected, they could do something rash,
which may have terrible consequences in the situations that the FBI deals with.
Even in your own life, when you have to negotiate with bosses, friends, or even family members,
you need to remember to stay as respectful as possible. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with
the other party or even like them. But keeping the conversation progressing forward and moving
towards a solution will never happen if either party feels like the other does not respect them.
FBI negotiators know that if you show respect, you will receive respect in return. This is still
true even if you don’t like the person you’re negotiating with. The main way you can ensure that
you are showing respect is by genuinely listening and hearing what the other side has to say.
It is when you actually listen that you can then implement all of the techniques FBI agents use
in their negotiations. Respect is even more important in your day-to-day life because
chances are you will need to talk to whoever you are negotiating with again at some point.
If your discussion was respectful, and the other party felt that you empathize with
them and heard them out, it will help build a relationship that will benefit you in the future.
Now watch “FBI vs CIA - How Do They Compare?”
Or check out “This Is How the FBI Will Catch You on the Dark Web”