[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you so much.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, yesterday,
President Trump did an interview with "60 Minutes,"
and it didn't go exactly as planned.
Take a look.
-President Trump abruptly ended a solo interview
with CBS's "60 Minutes,"
and the President did not return to the room
for a joint interview with Vice President Mike Pence.
President Trump sat down with CBS News' Lesley Stahl
for 45 minutes before getting up and leaving
and telling CBS that he thought they had enough material.
[ Light laughter ] -Ooh.
-Hm. -Yeah. Trump bailed early.
He was like, "I gave them 45 minutes.
What else did '60 Minutes' expect?"
[ Laughter ]
It's "60 Minutes."
What level of questions did he want?
"So, how long have you been so awesome for so long, dude?"
[ Laughter ]
When Trump no-showed, Mike Pence was like, "I'll still talk."
Lesley Stahl was like, "Uh, I think we have enough footage."
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah. Yeah, we got enough."
If you're keeping score, Trump's attacked
"60 Minutes," doctors, and the Postal Service.
At this point, seniors are like,
"Do you want us to vote for you or not?
Just tell us. We don't have to."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, if you're trying to win the senior vote,
you can't insult "60 Minutes."
That's like trying to win the youth vote by banning TikTok.
Oh, wait, he did that, too. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
Apparently, Trump was annoyed
'cause his segment was going to air
after the one about a guy who carves rodeo stars out of soap.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Oh, man.
There's a producer at "60 Minutes"
really laughing at that. [ Laughter ]
Well, after that, Trump held a campaign rally
in Erie, Pennsylvania,
where he sounded pretty thrilled
about the "60 Minutes" interview.
Listen to this.
-You have to watch what we do to "60 Minutes."
You'll get such a kick out of it.
You're going to get a kick out of it.
Lesley Stahl is not going to be happy.
-Yeah. Yeah. He looked like he really got a kick out of it.
Here he is immediately after the interview.
This is real.
-Yeah. [ Helicopter blades whirring ]
-Wow.
[ Whirring continues ] -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-He looks like Rudy Giuliani on his way
to the "Borat" premiere.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
♪♪
-♪ Borat ♪
-Uh. [ Laughter ]
But at that rally, Trump didn't seem too excited --
this is... [laughs]
this is real, by the way.
He didn't seem too excited to be in Erie, Pennsylvania.
Check this out.
-Before the plague came in, I had it made.
I wasn't coming to Erie.
I mean, I have to be honest.
There's no way I was coming.
[ Laughter ]
-Everyone in the crowd was like...
"Yeah, r-right?
There's no way he would have come to see us, right?"
That's quite a message, huh?
He's like, "I'm only here with you losers
in your loser town because I'm losing."
[ Laughter ] "So I guess
we're all a bunch of losers except for me.
I'm the winner."
[ Laughter ]
It's like showing up at someone's party and saying,
"I'm only here because things are bad at home."
I just..." [ Laughter ]
"I don't even care if you talk to me."
"This whole place is a dumpster. Anyway, vote for me."
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, with less than two weeks left
until Election Day,
candidates are making their closing arguments
to really drive home their message.
Here's one from Trump.
♪♪
-They said, "Would you like to wear a hat?"
I said, "There's no way I'm wearing a hat."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"'Do you want to wear a hat?'
I said, 'There's no way I'm wearing that hat.'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
[ Laughs ]
Meanwhile, on the Democratic side today,
President Obama finally returned to the campaign trail
to support Joe Biden.
It's like that moment when you've canceled on your friend
so many times, you have to make up for it
by going to a really long brunch.
[ Laughter ] "So your kid's 5 now, huh?
That's cool." [ Laughter ]
Don't worry -- Trump has a response to this.
Tomorrow, Dean Cain will be greeting people
outside a Des Moines Jiffy Lube.
[ Laughter ]
How about another closing argument from Trump?
Do we have one?
♪♪
-Does anybody have a little sunblock?
I'd love to use it right now.
I'm always preaching to my kids, sunblock, sunblock,
and here I am like an idiot.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"They want me to wear a hat.
I said, 'I'm not wearing a hat.'"
[ Laughter ]
"You guys like...?"
[ Laughter ]
What?
[ Chuckling ] What's going on?
Here's some entertainment news --
normally, around this time of year, we start seeing
all the classic Charlie Brown holiday specials on TV.
But this season, it's going to be a little different.
Take a look.
-For the first time in more than 50 years,
Charlie Brown's holiday specials
will not be broadcast on network TV.
From now on, iconic shows like
"It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"
and "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
can only be seen on Apple TV+.
-Boo. Boo. -Boo.
-Nothing like teaching kids the true meaning of the holidays
by forcing them to cough up money
to watch a 54-year-old cartoon. [ Laughter ]
Even worse, they told Charlie Brown
it was going to be on TV
and then pulled it away at the last second.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Muffled gibberish ]
It's kind of a weird move.
I mean, who was like, "I was holding out on buying Apple TV,
but now...I have no choice.
I cave." [ Laughter ]
"I've got to -- got to see my Charlie Brown holiday specials."
[ Light laughter ]
"I was saving up to send the kids to school..."
[ Laughter ]
"No.
No school.
Charlie Brown's school."
[ Laughter ]
Some more TV news --
last night was an all-new episode of "The Bachelorette."
I love "The Bachelorette," man. -Whoo! Whoo!
-It seemed like one of the group dates got off to a rough start
when nobody asked Clare to go -- to go talk one-on-one.
You know they have to do the one-on-ones?
Watch this. It's awkward.
-[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ] So... should we get the night started?
-I think we should. -Yeah.
-We should. -Yeah?
Alright. Does anybody want to...
[ Clears throat ] -Yeah. Let's do it.
-...step up to the plate?
-I would love to -- I would love to go chat with you.
-Okay. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-"So, um..." [ Laughter and applause ]
"...guys, uh -- right? -- you want to get it --
you want to get it going here or, uh...
You know, anyone can, you know, just jump in when you feel it."
[ Laughter ] "Anyone?
In no particular order, of course."
[ Laughter ] "I'll close my eyes.
Whoever grabs my hand first is the one."
[ Laughter ]
"Just forget the hand thing. Let's just, you know, decide.
Pointing at you."
"I'd like to start a chat."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, that wasn't the most awkward moment of the night,
'cause, later on, all the guys played
a game of strip dodgeball.
Take a look.
♪♪
-Whoo-hoo!
-Blue team, take off your shorts.
-Blue team! Off with your shorts.
♪♪
-Demar is out.
So, player, this is it for the blue team.
They're taking the walk of shame home.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Voice breaking ] I'm sorry. I'm a little emotional.
Um, naked dodgeball is how my grandparents met.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Hey, do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?
We have one more.
♪♪
-Women.
I like women.
[ Laughter ]
-Ah!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-And finally, get this -- a town in Canada
has decided to change its name.
Check out what it's been called until now.
-The Canadian town has rid itself of its toxic name.
-For 120 years, it was officially called Asbestos.
It was proudly named for its asbestos mine,
but after years of ridicule, the city has been rebranded.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
Now the only asbestos town left
is at the New Jersey Six Flags.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-Yeah, the new name will really help its reputation
according to the town mayor,
Steve Hepatitis.