(upbeat music)
- President Trump is demanding $5 billion
from U.S. taxpayers to fund the wall,
which is weird because during the campaign
he might've mentioned once or twice
another idea for where the wall money would come from.
- I will build a great, great wall on our southern border
and I will have Mexico pay for that wall.
(overlapping) Mexico is going to pay for the wall.
Mexico is going to pay for the wall 100%.
Who's gonna pay for the wall?
- [Crowd] Mexico!
- The only thing worse than one Trump is many Trumps.
"Mexico's gonna pay for it."
That was Trump's signature catchphrase.
More than any other catchphrase.
More than "you're fired."
More than "make America great again."
Even more than "Don't tell my wife about this."
But we never should have actually believed
that Mexico was going to pay for the wall,
because every time someone asked Trump
how Mexico would pay
he had a completely different explanation.
- There will be a payment.
It will be in a form, perhaps a complicated form.
One way or the other, Mexico's gonna pay for the wall.
That's right.
It may be through reimbursement,
but one way or the other, Mexico will pay for the wall.
The wall will pay for itself on a monthly basis.
We're working on a tax-reform bill
that will generate revenue from Mexico
that will pay for the wall.
We have a trade deficit with Mexico of $58 billion.
All I have to do to start playing with that trade deficit
and believe me, they're gonna pay for it.
They may even write us a check
by the time they see what happened.
Obviously they're not going to write a check.
It's going to be paid for by Canada, by the way,
it's going to be paid for...
Maybe I'll get Canada pay, gotta be paid for by Mexico.
- Wait, what?
(audience laughs)
You know, Donald Trump is truly a legend.
Instead of admitting that he misspoke.
He'd rather try and make Canada pay for the wall.
He's just like, "Yeah, Canada's gonna pay,
I mean, yeah, actually Canada's gonna pay,
I might make them pay for the wall."
And shame. Canada's so nice, they'd probably do it.
They'd be like, "Um, this is not really 'aboot' us
but I guess we'll pay, eh?"
Also, what did that mean when he's like,
"The wall will pay for itself monthly"?
He made it sound like America was gonna go to the wall
and be like, "You got our money, wall?"
(upbeat music)
Today, the president's spent time at the border,
checking out the world's largest Lego project.
- President Trump is in the air on Air Force One,
headed to California where he will get a firsthand look
at eight border wall prototypes.
- The round piece that you see up here
or you see more clearly back there,
the larger it is the better it is,
because it's very hard to get over the top.
It's really deterrent from getting over the top.
Who would think.
But getting over the top is easy.
These are like professional mountain climbers,
they are incredible climbers.
- So, so wait, Mexicans are rapists
and professional mountain climbers?
I feel like this guy is just inventing new stereotypes now.
You know what, there's one thing
I know about those Mexicans.
They love their mountains. Yeah.
Almost as much as Egyptians love kayaking. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and this was a slick move just by the way.
I don't know if you noticed, but you know
Trump went to the border today because it's Taco Tuesday.
Nice move, Mister President.
Someone was probably like, Mister President,
you know, we can have tacos on other days?
He's like, No, no. I respect their culture.
I respect it.
(upbeat music)
We all know that Trump went to Southern California
to visit his favorite and smartest child, the wall.
(audience laughs)
But what not many people noticed
was this fascinating new development.
- [Reporter] Federal, state, and local authorities
have been protecting those prototypes with fences,
concrete barriers, and security cameras in that order,
coming straight from the Trump administration.
- Okay. Now the shit has gone too far.
Trump's now building a wall to protect his wall?
That doesn't even make sense. The wall is the protection.
That's like having a buddy guard for the secret service.
He's like, no, Mister President!
No, Gary!
(audience laughs)
What a time to be alive! The wall has its own wall.
And the president has his own president. This is insane.
I mean. (audience cheers)
I think Trump's just going to keep building walls
until he can get Mexico to pay for one of them, you know.
He's like, "Okay, how about this one? No?
All right, how about the smaller one? No?
Do you guys just want to buy this wall street DVD? Yeah?"
(upbeat music)
President Trump decided to plow forward on proving his case
for a border wall.
So today the commander-in-chief
put on his travel barbie outfit
and flew down to the Southern border
to get a firsthand account of the situation.
And while he was there,
he gave us all a drunk history lesson.
- They say a wall is medieval. Well, so is a wheel.
A wheel is older than a wall.
And I looked, and every single car out there -
even the really expensive ones the Secret Service uses -
and believe me, they are expensive -
I said, "Do they all have wheels?"
Yes. Oh, I thought it was medieval.
The wheel is older than the wall, you know that?
And there were some things at work.
You know what, a wheel works and a wall works.
- You know, if a football player got up after a tackle
and started talking like that, the trainer would be like,
"We need to get you to the locker room now.
Your brain is not okay."
(audience cheers)
And just by the way, I don't even,
I can't believe we have to say this,
if there are any kids watching
that are gonna use this on a history test,
walls are actually much older than the wheel, right?
6,000 years older than the wheel.
(audience cheers)
Back in the day, cavemen had walls.
So I guess people should stop calling Trump a Neanderthal,
because a Neanderthal would know that.
Hashtag #NotMyNeanderthal.
Now, after putting the president's word
through Google Translate, I think what he's trying to say
is that just because the wall is old technology
doesn't mean it's not gonna be effective, right?
The only problem is,
since walls have been around for so long,
people have had centuries
to figure out how to get through them.
- The president in the Oval Office address
and his administration have been pushing this idea now
of this: a steel slat barrier,
which is already in use down here along the Southern border.
We know from DHS testing over the course of the last year
that all of president Trump's prototypes
were breachable in some way.
But now for the first time,
NBC news has exclusively obtained a photograph
of the steel slat barrier style border wall design
that was clearly cut through
with what we are told as a household saw.
(audience laughs) - Okay, okay,
now you laugh, but to be fair, to be fair,
you can't just get through with a household saw, okay?
You also need some immigrants' can-do work ethic,
'cause let me tell you, (audience cheers)
I've tried sawing before,
and that shit takes forever.
After five minutes, I was like, forget it.
I'm just going to bury the body in one piece.
Like, actually, it's so hard to saw
through that level of steel, that I think
if a Mexican managed to saw his way into America,
will you just give that person a job?
Yeah, like just hire them.
In fact, here's my pitch. Here's my pitch.
That should be how you do merit-based immigration, right?
However they managed to get in
should just be like the skill
that you use to your advantage in America.
If you saw through - you work in construction,
go straight away, straight away.
If they climb over the wall, you're a firefighter.
Now go, go, go.
And then all you guys running away,
we'll see you on the Olympic team.
USA! USA!
- [Audience Member] USA!
- No, no, you SA, you SA.
(audience laughs)
Now, you'd think the news
that you can just saw through a steel wall
would be devastating news for Trump.
But apparently he already knows about this
and he's not concerned.
- [Interviewer] There were pictures this morning
showing a steel barrier wall being sawed straight through.
What good is a steel wall if they can saw through it?
- There's nothing that can't be penetrated, but you fix it.
But it's a very difficult thing to do.
But that's a wall, and they have other walls.
We have many walls under consideration.
Even concrete - there's acid that can go through concrete.
- Don't give them more ideas. What are you doing?
(audience laughs)
I didn't even know that it was possible.
You're going to build a wall
and tell everyone how to get through it?
Trump would be the worst bank robber ever.
"This is a stickup! But I've got weak wrists.
"If you hit me right here, the gun will fly out.
It's just gonna fly out. Right here."
(audience laughs)
But look, I get what he's saying. Again, I get it.
Even if a wall isn't 100% impenetrable,
it's still better than nothing.
And America's gonna need all the help it can get,
because the way Trump tells it,
things on the border are about to get nuts.
- Here's the story.
There is another major caravan
forming right now in Honduras.
And so far we're trying to break it up.
But so far it's bigger than anything we've seen.
- Wow. Another caravan.
It's so convenient
how whenever Trump needs to win something,
a big, scary caravan is always coming to kill us all.
'Cause first it was the midterms,
and now it's the shutdown.
Like, I feel like if Trump isn't careful,
he's gonna run into a boy-who-cried-wolf situation.
You know, someday there is gonna be a big caravan
full of ISIS, drug dealers and Shreks
pouring over the border.
And Trump will be like,
"There really is a caravan this time."
And we'll be like, "Whatever, old man.
Aah! The Shrek's eating my face!"
(upbeat music)
The government shutdown is now on day 31
and since a majority of Americans
are blaming President Trump for the stalemate,
this weekend the commander-impeach offered
Democrats a compromise. (audience laughs)
- [Reporter] The president offered protection
from deportation for some refugees and immigrants
brought here by their undocumented parents for three years,
that in exchange for his original
$5.7 billion wall funding demand.
The White House wall language is also softening
from this campaign roar.
- We're going to build a wall, folks.
Precast concrete going very high.
- [Reporter] To this downsized description.
- This is not a 2,000 mile concrete structure
from sea to sea.
These are steel barriers in high priority locations.
- You know when Trump said he was a master negotiator,
I didn't believe him, but now I see it,
because you realize, since the shutdown,
the Democrats haven't budged,
but every day he's come out and negotiated himself
further away from what he originally wanted, right?
Every single day. (audience applauds)
First he said it was a concrete wall,
and then he said it's just made out of steel slats.
Now it's only a certain section of the border
where you need it.
Like, Nancy Pelosi is just sitting there silently
and Trump is wearing himself down.
He's like, "I want a wall. Okay, Nancy, I'll take a fence.
Oh, you're playing hard ball.
How about a two-foot baby gate?
Nothing? Just give me one slat with a sign that says no!
(upbeat music)
Democrats and Republicans in Congress
are still working towards a deal on border security.
And right now they agree on a lot of things.
But the biggest sticking point is: wall or no wall.
And today the president stepped in
saying he doesn't want any of these shady politicians
calling it a fence or a barrier or any of that trash.
A wall is a wall. You should call it a wall.
Yeah, by the way, who these shady politicians
who would trying to call the wall something else?
- We don't use the word wall necessarily.
We'll call it a barrier instead of a wall
The barrier, the wall, call it whatever you want.
I don't care what you call it. You can go over the barrier.
Whatever they'd like to call it,
I'll call it whatever they want.
The steel wall, or you could call it a steel fence.
Or a slat fence.
They can name it peaches.
I don't care what they named it.
- Okay. Can I just say, can I just say?
If the wall is called Peaches,
then I think we should build the wall.
(audience laughs)
I'm just gonna put it out there.
Because Peaches the Border Wall is the most adorable thing
I have ever heard.
Like, you call a wall Peaches,
iIt takes away all the stigma, right?
Peaches isn't xenophobic. Peaches isn't racist.
Peaches is just a wall trying to do wally things.
It's Peaches.
Yeah, like I bet if you called the border wall Peaches,
even drug smugglers wouldn't want to breach that wall.
They'd be like, "Hey man, when you get through the wall,
pass me the sledgehammer."
Be like, "No, cabron,
I'm not taking a hammer to Peaches, man.
What do I look like, an animal?
We don't need to do this, man.
Besides most drugs are smuggled
through legal ports of entry anyways, man.
Don't you watch Rachel Maddow?"
"Yeah. I forgot about that."
(upbeat music)
President Trump's border wall.
It was his number one campaign promise.
But now Trump can't find anyone willing to pay for it.
Mexico refused to pay for it.
Congress refused to pay for it.
He tried to put it on Jarrod's credit card,
but couldn't figure out how the chip works.
I was like, "Sir, you're pulling it out too soon."
He's like, "Well, I don't know
if this machine is on the pill.
I'm not getting trapped again!
I don't want another Eric."
And so on Friday, the president had no other choice,
but to take emergency action.
- [Reporter] In the Rose garden,
the president did what he had long threatened to do:
declaring the national emergency to get billions of dollars
Congress wouldn't give him to build his border wall.
Now the battle moves to the courts
with challenges coming from border States,
landowners, and others,
and they're already pointing to this stunning admission.
- I didn't need to do this,
but I'd rather do it much faster.
- Wait, hold up.
So Trump admitted he didn't need to declare an emergency.
He's just doing it to save time?
That sort of negates his entire argument.
It would be like a pilot coming out of the cockpit
with a parachute saying, "Look,
I don't have to open the emergency door,
but we're right over my house
and I don't want to fight traffic.
Thank you for flying Spirit Airlines."
(audience applauds)
But look, you can argue about it,
but Trump clearly thinks
that Mexicans coming over the border
is a national emergency.
And so in response, America has to build a wall,
which is a very gradual response to an emergency.
Just like "Sir, they're invading.
Should we mobilize our tanks and call in airstrikes?"
"No, no, no.
Bring your finest bricklayers.
In three to five years, they'll regret invading us."
So look, Trump knows that this isn't the end
of the border wall fights, right?
Because it's a national emergency,
this declaration will be challenged in the courts.
And we know he knows this, because he wrote a song about it.
- We will have a national emergency
and we will then be sued and they will sue us
in the Ninth Circuit, even though it shouldn't be there,
and we will possibly get a bad ruling,
and then we'll get another bad ruling,
and then we'll end up in the Supreme Court,
and hopefully we'll get a fair shake,
and we'll win in the Supreme Court,
just like the ban,
they sued us in the Ninth circuit and we lost,
and then we lost in the appellate division,
and then we went to the Supreme Court and we won.
- Okay, that was super weird.
Why is he talking like that?
It sounds like he's being auto tuned,
but it's very addictive.
I don't think I can stop now.
Somebody help me.
But, but as crazy as his delivery was,
I think we should at least be thankful
that he used it to talk about the wall
and not like a natural disaster.
Imagine if he whipped that out for the first time,
after like a giant earthquake.
He'd be like: there was this big earthquake,
lots of people were trapped,
we're going to do our best but expect our worst,
I'm not taking move on,
but even if your husband has survived,
his face has properly smushed and all gross.
(upbeat music)
Moving on to my favorite story of the year
and possibly my favorite story in my entire life.
- [Reporter] The concertina wire with the razor wire
used to reinforce the us Mexico border
is being stolen and sold by Tijuana residents for protection
due to the city's high crime rate, according to officials.
Some homes in the area were also seen
with the same razor wire
added for an extra layer of protection,
but residents refuse to say where they got the material.
(audience laughs and cheers)
- Oh no, I'm sorry guys. This is insane.
You heard that right: Mexico is stealing the wall.
(audience laughs)
Oh man, I wish I could have been there
when Donald Trump saw this story on the news.
Knowing him, he'd probably be like, "They did what?
Nancy, I'm gonna need you to spot me another $8 billion.
We're gonna need another wall to protect the first one."
And I mean, now if they're stealing razor wire
for their houses, they might as well
just steal the whole wall next, right?
'Cause no one's ever thought of that.
They were like, "America will build a wall."
No one ever thought Mexico will steal it.
(audience laughs)
Like Mexicans will be showing off
their new home security system, like "I'd built a wall
around my house and Donald Trump paid for it."
(audience laughs and applauds)
At this rate Trump is just going to end up
building all of Tijuana up, you know.
They're gonna start putting in requests from Mexico.
They'll be like, "You know, what's really good
for keeping us out, senor Trump?
Yeah, garage doors, man."
You should put those at the border. The ones that fold.
Yeah, they scare us.
Almost as much as patio furniture, man."
(upbeat music)