Today we're in my garden and we're going to be talking about dealing with "what ifs". So your brain
is super extra at imagining danger, but if you let anxiety and "what ifs" make your choices, your world
is going to shrink and you're going to feel more anxious and powerless. So instead, we're going to
talk about regaining your power through careful risk assessment and choosing acceptable risk.
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So here's another of the most common questions I get on my Rewiring the Anxious Brain video;
so people ask 'what if the dog bites you?' Now in that video I was explaining how when you avoid
something it makes your anxiety go up and this is really harmful when you avoid something that
feels dangerous but is actually safe. So this is something like public speaking or taking a test
or asking for a raise. In that video the example I used was being afraid of dogs and then I explained
how gradual exposure can help you overcome that fear by gradually spending time with dogs.
But of course, when making a video about anxiety, the anxious people
watching this video are going to say 'but how can I do that? What if the dog bites you?'
Now many people with anxiety focus on the worst case scenario instead of focusing on
the potential for growth and healing and that's because when your brain is in anxiety mode
it's attuned to threats, it only notices and pays attention to the potential dangers around you,
but dogs can actually be dangerous. So when you're in anxiety mode, the one in a thousand
chance of getting bit by a family's pet dog, feels like a serious, immediate, most likely
occurrence. In anxiety mode our brain is going to assume the worst about so many things. It might
ask questions like 'what if everyone hates me?' or 'what if I get covid from my groceries?' or 'what
if that car swerves into my lane?' and it's really easy to get wrapped up in all of the "what-ifs".
It's easy to get so wrapped up in them that you completely lose sight of your goals,
like overcoming anxiety, or visiting your son who has a dog. But there are some practical steps you
can take to manage your brilliantly anxious brain instead of letting anxiety run your life.
So first, realize that your brain's most natural job is to "prevent dying", to keep bad things from
happening to you and unlike other mammals that are mostly instinctual about these things, so they'll
run away from an immediate threat like a tiger, but then they'll relax when the threat is gone,
our brain has the ability to imagine danger in the future, to remember danger in the past, and that
makes us feel like we're in danger in the present moment. But just because our brain is really good
at imagining dangers doesn't mean that avoiding those fears is the way for us to live a good, happy
life. I think most people with anxiety can see how feeling anxious all the time and avoiding stuff
is making their lives worse. If you let anxiety and "what-ifs" make your choices your world will
shrink and you'll feel more anxious and powerless. So what I think that people were really asking is:
'Should I spend time with dogs if there's a risk of getting bitten?' 'Should I face my fears if there's a
risk that they could come true, like is it worth it?' and this question is really about living a
good life and I can guarantee you one thing, if you let fear and anxiety make your choices,
then your life is going to suck. You'll feel out of control and your anxiety is going to increase.
So instead, regain your power through careful risk assessment and choosing acceptable risk.
When I was in college studying the illustrious field of recreation management and taking really
intense classes like mountain biking, we had a couple of classes on risk management, which is
basically how to run a recreation program that kept people safe while also helping them to do
cool things like rock climbing and mountain biking. So I learned how to go rock climbing
in the safest way, how to tie the right knots and how to use the right anchors, how to use equipment
safely and how to make good decisions and I've gone rock climbing literally thousands of times
without any injuries to me or my friends or my clients, but even the most carefully prepared
and managed activities come with risk. I can control the ropes and the anchors and the knots
but there's always the risk of a rock falling and hitting you on the head
or an incredibly rare gear failure. So if, when all of those people asked me, 'what if the dog bites me?',
if they were saying 'I can't face my anxiety because there's risk involved, I'll only do a form
of treatment that's 100% safe and comfortable' then we need to talk about risk and anxiety acceptance.
We can't avoid all risk. Not only would trying ruin our lives but, it's just it's not possible.
So, if you avoid everything dangerous by staying home all the time, then you risk dying of obesity
and heart disease and loneliness. By staying home you miss opportunities to work
and play and laugh and love. It's really easy to see this if we use covid as the example right,
with covid, if you choose to socially distance you protect yourself from the virus but the level of
social distancing that you choose determines how many social activities you miss out on and if you
go to the extreme level of never going anywhere of completely isolating yourself from everyone or
not picking up groceries because those have a risk, then you could starve to death right, so that's the
very extreme end of this, but even on the moderate end of social distancing comes with some risks
which many of us are accepting right. So when you miss out on social activities you risk worsening
anxiety and depression. Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't socially distance, I'm saying that
every choice comes with costs and we need to be intentional about those costs instead of driven
by anxiety. So social distancing is a choice that I'm making, while wholly accepting the costs, but
I'm choosing a degree of social distancing that still lets me go you know, pick up groceries and
occasionally see a very small group of people. What I am saying is that if you want to live a full
and meaningful and happy life, you need to make a choice based on what we value instead of letting
anxiety choose for you. So let's go back to the rock climbing example, there are different levels
of danger within rock climbing. There's bouldering and gym climbing which are relatively safest,
then there's top roping, which is where the rope is connected at the top already and you are just
belayed from the bottom, um it is really very safe, but it comes with a few uh risk factors, which
come with outside climbing, which is you know, the very rare risk of gear failure or a slightly more
likely risk of you know, getting a sunburn, getting stung by a bee, or a rock falling and hitting you
on the head, so this is you know, top roping is really very safe. With top roping when you fall,
you really just fall a couple inches due to rope stretch, because that rope is being held tight and
you're being held very secure. With lead climbing, you start at the bottom and you clip into anchors
as you go up the rock face. So this is a little bit more dangerous because however far you've gone
from your last anchor you're gonna fall twice that far if you slip and fall. So there's a little bit
more chance of like a sprained ankle, of getting you know bumps and bruises, but most likely you're
not going to die. Now the next most dangerous level of rock climbing is free soloing and free soloing
is very dangerous, because if you slip or you fall from a height, you are going to hit the ground.
Now deciding whether to climb and how to climb are choices within my control,
but all of these activities come with the risks outside of my control like environmental
conditions, falling rocks, and the risk of human error. Alex Honnold chooses to free solo.
He did what I think is one of the most impressive physical and mental athletic performances in the
history of the world by climbing El Cap without ropes, but in order to do that he risked falling to
his death. Now if you talk to Alex you'll know that he has made a careful and intentional choice to
accept that level of risk in his life. When I climb, I choose to rope up, I'm a very safe climber. I
climbed for five to six years, three to four times a week, so like thousands of times without a single
serious accident, but in order to climb I do risk sprained ankles and rock falls and you know the
very rare potential risk for equipment failure and for me that is my level of acceptable risk because
climbing made my life better. Climbing helps me think clearly and solve problems and develop
grit and face my fears. I'm actually afraid of heights, but I enjoy climbing so I accept that.
Now some people choose not to climb because it doesn't add value to their life or the value it
adds isn't worth the pain or the risk and that's okay too, as long as it's an intentional choice.
So really, dealing with "what-ifs" is all about making an intentional choice about acceptable risk
and the value it has in your life, the value of that activity, whatever it has in your life.
In my mind it's much greater risk to live your life in fear and reacting only to anxiety and
trying to avoid anxiety in such a way that you no longer have choice in your life, you're not
choosing what you want to be doing in your life, you're choosing just to avoid anxiety.
So I'll use another example. I used to be quite afraid of spoiled milk. I had a couple bad
experiences and ever after that I was scared to drink milk after it had been opened for a
couple of days. So for years I just threw the milk out if it had been opened for a couple of days.
Now this was probably an irrational fear, but it was with limited consequences. For me it wasn't
worth the time and the energy to overcome this fear because the costs on my life were so low, it
was like a buck a week to just you know throw out milk that I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. I
was able to live a good life, and not drink older milk. It wasn't worth it for me to spend a lot of
time facing that anxiety because the cost was like a dollar a week for me to just throw out old milk.
But going back to the dog example, if you are missing out on important things in your life like
visiting a family member with a dog or avoiding going out for walks because of fear of dogs or if
you run away screaming and crying from safe dogs that you see, then at some point you have to make
a conscious choice about what is most valuable for you and this is called risk acceptance and it's an
important part of managing anxiety. If you don't have dogs and you have no friends with dogs then
you miss out on little because of dog avoidance, then then cool, like make the choice to avoid dogs,
but don't let anxiety decide for you. Everything has a risk. You have to make choices about risk
instead of letting anxiety make your choices for you. Make choices about what you want your life to
be about instead of simply trying to avoid anxiety. What do you want your life to be about? Choose to
live in a way that runs toward your values instead of simply running away from discomfort or anxiety.
Now real quick side note, just want to remind you that just because something
feels dangerous doesn't mean that it is. The fear center of our brain is more instinctual than
rational, so sometimes what feels dangerous isn't actually dangerous. So for example I once worked at
a treatment program that did a lot of recreational therapy. We went climbing and rappelling, we would
do hiking, biking and horseback riding, we went rafting down rivers, and we would do ropes courses.
Now guess which was our most dangerous activity. It was the driving. Driving to these activities
actually statistically had a higher risk than the activities we were doing, but which of these
activities felt most dangerous? Climbing right, being up high, those are the scariest activities.
And you want to know which activity was the second most risky, the one that had the most accidents and
injuries and the highest risk and actually the highest cost for insurance? Horseback riding. So
it's important to remember that just because something feels dangerous doesn't mean that
it's actually dangerous. We have to turn our brain back on and make a conscious choice about
you know what level of risk we're willing to accept and when we face that anxiety a lot of
times it goes away. Now anxiety usually exaggerates the danger of certain types of activities things
that our brain is like biologically programmed to avoid things like heights, wild animals, and bugs,
social interactions, things like that right. Just because something feels dangerous doesn't mean
that it actually is dangerous. Anxiety can inform your decisions but don't let it make the choices
for you. Through practice, and knowledge, and gradual exposure, we can bring things that are normally
terrifying into our realm of safety. So check out my exposure hierarchy video to learn more about
the you know, breaking these tasks down into little steps and doing this, because facing our fears is
really important to living the life that we value instead of just living a life where we let anxiety
run the show. If your family has a dog, a safe dog, then the risk level is low and the benefits are
high and that's an example of a time when you can choose to accept the remote risk of getting bitten
and and the anxiety that comes with that you know, it's worth it to face that in order to spend time
with the people that you love and when you face that fear, over time your anxiety will go down. Now
if something crazy happens and the dog happens to bite you then you'll either realize that it wasn't
that bad after all and and your anxiety will go down or you'll reevaluate your choices and then
hopefully make an intentional choice about whether to continue to interact with that dog or not.
If your neighbor has a crazy, dangerous, aggressive dog, you may make the conscious choice to avoid
that dog and that neighbor because the level of risk doesn't outweigh the benefits of interacting
with that neighbor. If a person you really care about has a dog that genuinely seems dangerous
then again, you'll need to step back and weigh the risks and the benefits and again, make a conscious
choice about what level of risk you're willing to accept. But make that decision based not on fear
but on what is most important to you. Is it safety? Is it spending time with them, or is it some kind
of compromise between the two? Maybe you'll spend time with them, but not with their dog. What this
really comes down to is looking at your anxiety, looking at your "what-if" thoughts from an observer
position when you're able to notice them from a vantage point instead of looking through them, then
you can make a choice about what you're going to choose to act on and what you're going to accept.
Then choose to do something meaningful, something that's in line with the life that you want to live.
Living a life that you value is most likely going to include discomfort and anxiety. Making youtube
videos is anxiety provoking for me, but I do it because it makes a small positive difference
in the world and so that's an acceptable risk, it lines up with my personal values,
and over time it's gotten easier for me so I don't feel so anxious about it. Abraham Lincoln
and Winston Churchill felt tremendous anxiety at times about continuing their respective wars.
When they saw the loss of life and the pain and the suffering of the people impacted,
but they chose a path based on their values and their beliefs and the recognition that avoiding
that anxiety would actually make things worse. So I bet, that most people doing good, feel anxiety
and while there is always the chance that the worst may happen the the choice you make, the
decision you make about how much risk you accept, should be based on your values and on conscious
risk management skills instead of just on fear, so your life is bigger, it has more meaning and
more purpose than just avoiding fear. If you want to overcome anxiety and take care of your life,
then you need to spend some time figuring out what you want your life to be about
instead of just anxiety avoidance. If you want to overcome anxiety and take control of your
life then you need to spend some time figuring out what you want your life to be about instead.
What good do you want to bring to the world? Is it kindness? Is it love? Is it education?
Is it a kickbutt invention? or Is it a happy family? When you take the time to step back
and look at what you really value, then it makes it worthwhile to face your fears, accept the "what ifs",
take courage, and boldly move forward. I know that facing your anxiety can be scary, but in
the long run it's worthwhile and as you do it your anxiety is going to decrease.
Hope you found this video helpful, thank you for watching, and take care. If you appreciate mental
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