(whimsical music)
- Hi, yeah, okay, this is ridiculous.
I just found a hair in my son's chocolate ice cream
and your bathrooms are not up to health code standards.
What do you have to say for yourself.
- Um, I'm 15 and I have a C in geometry.
- Right, so I'll talk to a manager then, yep.
- Totally.
Uh, hey, Chet.
- Yeah.
Oh, 'sup boomer?
I just shaved for the first time.
- You seem a little young to be a manager.
- (scoffing) I'm 15.
You seem a little old to be hot.
Oh, what!
Yeah, that's what up.
Whoo!
- [Server] That's Chet.
That's Chet. - Whoo, whoo!
- [Server] Bye, Chet.
- [Narrators] Every Baskin Robbins ever.
- Can I get a scoop of that one.
- Which one?
Say the name?
- The one with cookies in it.
- We have a wide variety of cookie flavors.
Say the full name.
(woman mumbles)
- I'll take that one.
- Which one?
- Oh, my God.
I think it's actually time
for me to walk into the street (laughs).
(horns blowing)
(car crashing)
(woman groaning)
- [Narrator] Every Baskins Robbins.
- Hey, uh, I'd like one of those,
uh, customizable ice cream cakes
for a large group of people.
- Oh, sure, what would you like it to say?
- Uh, you don't need her anyway, Phil.
- Uh, is this for a birthday or something?
- It's for a large group of people,
an event I'm going to
and I'm not Phil.
- Okay, yeah, I'll get that order in.
- Okay, and I'd like another one
for a Christmas party I'm going to.
- It's June, but sure.
- And this one I wanna say,
"Dear Phil, she will soon realize
that she left a diamond
and is playing around with useless scrap metal."
Again, this is for an event
with multiple people
and not for me to take home and eat in my shower.
- Sure, your total's gonna be-
- Hold on, I'd like one more
for a wedding I'm going to.
- You're taking a cake to someone else's wedding?
- Well, yeah. - Cool.
- This one I want it to say eat (beep) Noreen, from Phil.
- That's for a wedding?
- Yeah, it's a whole group of people,
none of which are me.
- Okay, can I get a name for this order?
Let me guess, is it Phil?
- How'd you know?
Are you talking to Noreen?
- Um...
- [Narrator] Baskin.
(customers laughing)
- I'm so close.
I'm so close to getting that Well and Reckless sherbet,
I'm gonna lose it.
God, why am I last in line?
Okay, yeah, Christina, try it with liver, why don't you,
you slow douche.
Just because you scored three home runs
for our team today does not mean
I will not fight you in the parking lot
if you don't pick your goddamned mocha fudge
and keep the line moving.
- What'd you say, Danielle? - Nothing.
- Just breathe, Danielle.
It's all good.
This, too, shall pass you.
Totally got this.
- [Server] Next.
- All right, Carla, you turd bucket.
Pick your ice cream already.
- Hey, Danielle? - Yeah.
- I just wanna clarify
we can hear you.
We have always heard you.
Every time we go get ice cream after every single game,
we hear you saying awful horrific things about us.
- Oh, every time? - Every time.
- Yeah, you're kinda loud.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, honestly, Danielle,
you're really freakin' out.
- [Narrator] Every.
- So, um...
How's school?
- Is this where all the strange dads take
their kids to bond?
- What (laughs) no.
That's ridiculous, sweetie.
So anyway, what's your name again?
- Fire snake.
That's cool.
You sound like an American gladiator competitor.
- [Narrator] Baskin Robbins.
(creepy music)
- Oh, you're a scary little guy, aren't you?
Why do kids even like these things?
(circus music)
- [Ice Cream] Bite me, bitch.
- Ah!
(horn blowing)
(girl groaning)
- [Narrator] Ever.
- Whee!
Hello there Mr. Adult.
I am clearly, as you can see,
a seven-year-old boy.
And my tiny, tiny tummy wants a wittle ice cream,
but I need a cup that's proportionate
to my small, small growing frame.
Could I please just have
a kid's cup of rocky road?
- Can I see some ID?
(dramatic music)
(laughs) I'm just messin' with ya.
We don't have age limits for our kids' sizes.
- Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Grownup.
My tiny growing bones and I appreciate you.
- Dude, drop it.
I can see that you're 30.
You look older than my dad.
- Goo, goo, ga, ga.
Thank you, sir, for the ice cream.
I'm sorry, thank you.
- [Narrator] Robbins.
- On, God.
Going to Baskin Robbins stoned
is the best idea I've ever had.
(bleep) These kids are gonna know I'm high.
They're gonna think I'm a bad example.
(dramatic music)
Why did I think coming her like this was okay?
(voices distort)
They're looking at me, they're all looking at me.
(kids growling)
They're looking at me.
- No, no, get your hand out of the bucket.
- [Boy] Can I just, can I smell these?
- [Server] Yeah.
- [Boy] What about this one, though.
- What is it? - I don't know.
- [Server] It's just the nuts off the secret hands.
- [Boy] What are you guys talking about?
- [Narrator] Every Baskin Robbins ever.
- Hmm, which kind of ice cream will I choose?
Mint chocolate chip.
Never heard of it before.
I'll try that one.
- Sir, you've been coming in and out
of the store all day,
sampling mint chocolate ice cream.
- Um, I'm sorry,
but I'm pretty sure nobody in a hat like this
has ever walked through that door today.
- Sir, I've seen you change your hat
every 15 minutes in the parking lot.
- Well, maybe my friend here, Mr. 20
can convince you that I was never here before.
- You know, you could just buy a cup of ice cream
and it would cost less than that.
(spoons clanking)
(horns blowing)
- [Man] Oh, car (groans).
- [Narrator] Ever.
- How many words can you fit on a customized cake?
- Oh, no.
- Okay, I need this one to say,
"Dear Noreen, please disregard all previous cake.
I was having a manic episode.
I need the keys to the townhouse back.
Don't take my (bleep) to Goodwill.
Leave my clothes in the closet, okay.
Kick that guy out of our bed, oh, my God, Noreen.
I swear to God I'm so (beep) pissed.
No, I love you, okay?
I wanna be us again, okay.
From Phil.
- You know what?
I'm too young to be dealing with this.
- And can I get it in the flavor Mommy's Making Cookies?
I love saying that.
- Security.
- Mom, please don't show up
at my work like this.
- I don't believe you work here.
I think you killed everybody here,
stole a work uniform
like a little Scooby Doo bad guy.
- She's found out.
- She's found that.
- That. - That.
- I am in turtle. - I'm in turtle.
- [Mom] I'm in turtle.
- [Woman] Cut.
- Whee!
- Hello, Mr. (laughs).
We're gonna have some trouble today.
- Guess what?
I'm aiming this at your little eyeballs.
- Yeah, and she's gonna go to the Olympics.
- Both of them?
Ew, don't eat it.
It's mashed potatoes.
- One of has to do that.
It's potatoes, by they way.
It's been potatoes the whole time.
- [Woman] Oh, my God.
- Whee, oh, hello, Mr., goddamn,
if I show up and he's laughing, I'm (beep).
- I had to lady bird myself when he left.
- You have to lady bird yourself?
- Yeah, you know, like lady bird.
- Are you dating Timothee Chalamet?
- Dad.
- The Timothee sports Chalamet?
- Yeah, the Timothee sports Chalamet.
Timothee, actually is his (beep) name.
- Do you have "Dune" spoilers.
- [Woman] Cut.
(girl laughing)
- Whee!
Hello, Mr. Adult.
I'm clearly a (laughs).
- I didn't do it that time.
- Have you been in love yet?
- No, I'm 15.
- Yeah, no, when you get in love, man,
just jump headfirst into it, don't be afraid.
You see Kool-Aid Man? He don't respect boundaries.
He can bust through the walls, you know.
- Yeah.
- So you gotta do that.
You gotta just bust through those boundaries
and get to love.
- I feel like this is all incorrect advice.
- You're just a kid, you don't know.
- Okay.
- You make, you make the cake yet?
- Did I make the cake yet?
- Did you make the cake yet?
- [Woman] Cut.
(both laughing)