- This is the best day ever!
(sighs)
- Your uncle Jeremy is bringing his new girlfriend this year
and she's bringing the...”stuffing.”
So...tells us all we need to know about her.
- I counted nine casseroles for five people.
Are we sure that's enough food?
- Remember to pace yourself.
Once we've finished here,
we got lunch with my granny at noon,
your sister at two, and my parents at six.
And I'll be on the toilet till Christmas.
- All right, the first person that brings up politics,
The Bachelorette, or cryptocurrency at the table
has got to leave, immediately!
Republican, Democrat, Independent, everyone
is welcome in my home this Thanksgiving.
Unless you brought salad.
You can stay outside.
- (parade sounds on TV)
- (snoring)
- (parade sounds on TV)
- We all just agreed to stay neutral
on whether pecan pie is better than pumpkin pie.
But if you put sweet potato casserole on the dessert table,
we're gonna have a problem.
- I like to get my sides plate,
my meat plate
and then my roll plate.
And then I disperse the gravy accordingly
because you can never have too much gravy.
I put gravy on pie.
No cap!
Did I say that right?
- Hey, we're outta green bean casserole.
Can you get the backup?
It's in the garage freezer.
It's not?
Try the basement freezer.
- You don't wanna know what I had to do
for that last container of French fried onions at The Pig.
- I don't care what anyone says.
Mac and Cheese does belong on the Thanksgiving table.
- (on TV) And it’s another first down for the Lions.
That makes it their fifth this season.
- Oh, you don't need to get napkins.
Your cousin Jenny is bringing those.
Or maybe she's bringing the Cokes.
I know she's not bringing no food.
Oh no, we'll never make that mistake again.
- There’s a secret ingredient
in the sweet potato casserole
but don't tell anybody.
It's bourbon.
I spilled the bourbon.
I spilled the bourbon in the sweet potato casserole.
- My uncle wanted to fry a turkey again this year
but he's been court ordered not to...
...among other things.
- Hey, can you bring a couple of camping chairs with you?
I'm all out of seats
and I can only fit one butt on the cooler.
- All right, if y'all don’t stop fighting
over that computer chair,
I'm gonna put it up.
Kids can sit on the floor for all I care.
- You're not here yet are you?
Will you stop by the gas station get a bag of ice?
Actually get two bags.
You know what?
Empty the cooler.
Yeah, I've literally got the last ice cubes
we have in my glass.
And I think somebody was freezing onions again.
Ugh!
- This is from a box of Kraft!
I’m still gonna ask God to bless it
but nothing he can do about this Mac and Cheese.
(man snoring)
- Do you think that Mason's ready
to graduate from the kids table?
I mean, we've got the room since I demoted your aunt
for making all those Tik Tok thirst traps.
I swear if I hear that ”Fancy Like” song one more time,
she can spend her Thanksgiving at Applebee's.
- Can we not let grandpa say the blessing this year?
By the time he finished last year,
Memaw had already put the Christmas tree up.
- I don't need Turkey to make me sleepy this Thanksgiving.
Granddad's probably gonna tell his spinach story again.
That'll bore me into a coma real quick.
(clutches banging)
- Before anybody asked me, no,
I do not have a man this year, again.
And before anybody ask me at Christmas,
that answer will be the same... again.
- Oh no, I don't do Black Friday.
I've already punched enough strangers
in the face this year.
(exhales)
- I cannot eat anymore.
Hey, pass me that to-go box.
Thank you.
(snoring)
- What are you doing?
I'm watching that!