- But I read on an official form, a proper document
recently the term, women's problems.
Are there really women's problems in 2016?
Thought, why doesn't it just say periods or menstruation?
There's nothing wrong with those words,
just like there's nothing wrong with the actual thing,
it's perfectly normal and natural part of life,
nothing to be ashamed of, seems peculiar to me.
So I've decided to do, and you can come with me if you like,
I've decided to bypass the word periods,
if people find it so offensive
and I'm gonna say this instead.
So if somebody says to me, are you all right?
I'm gonna go, oh, I'm clottin'.
(laughing)
See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No.
(laughing)
And I think a lot of the euphemisms for periods
are really horrible so it grows on such a bad reflection
of how normal it is.
So if clottin' horrifies ya, I get it.
So I've made up another one,
this is lighter, a bit more playful.
Maybe this will appeal to you a bit more.
This is it, it's WI week.
Because I'm making jam, do you get it?
(laughing)
Some of you are more horrified by that
than you were about clottin', that's hilarious.
I think I've ruined afternoon tea's for all of us.
(laughing)
Sorry about that.
I read a good statistic recently that said that 67%
of women, so 2/3 of women, don't bath or shower every day
and because I bath or shower every day,
my first reaction was, that's disgustin'.
My second reaction was to start sniffin' my friends.
(laughing)
And my third reaction was,
we'll if they're not doing it, I'm not gonna fucking do it.
(laughing)
But to be fair, I mostly bath or shower every day,
every now and again though, if I'm running late
or if I've got an early appointment or I've slept in,
I'll do instead, what my mam would refer to
as a flannel job.
(laughing)
Now this is a tip for the women in the room
who do have public hair,
the next time you do a flannel job,
if you do it in a circular motion,
you can afro it right up, it's really fun.
(laughing)
It's not a joke, it's just a tip for you
to take home and try
and in a room of this size,
it leaves me 20, 30 women
that'll be like tomorrow morning going,
I'm gonna have a go, I'm gonna have a go.
(laughing)
Boof, ahh.
Massive pants.
(laughing)
But I read recently, I read a survey
that said that in heterosexual couples,
men don't think that women initiate sex
and I thought, I don't think that's true.
I think women initiate sex.
I think maybe we don't call it that, initiating sex,
sounds like something you do on a rocket, doesn't it?
(laughing)
Initiating sex. Five, four,
(laughing) three, two.
I think women initiate sex,
I think maybe men aren't always so good
at picking up the signals,
maybe that's where the communication falls down.
So a bloke would be like,
yeah she was lying on the bed.
(laughing)
She had her hair all fanned out on the pillow.
She had a tiny towel on so I could basically see everything.
And she just put lipstick on,
which was weird, 'cause she just got out the bath.
(laughing)
But I decided to initiate sex.
Five, four, three. (laughing)
Can I just stop you there
in the middle of your countdown flower,
I started ages ago.
You weren't even in the fucking room when I started.
(laughing)
But you know that chat?
That chat that you have, sometimes before sex
and occasionally during sex?
That bit of chat?
I think if you've been together a long time,
that chat should come with terms and conditions attached.
Don't you think? (laughing)
So if you say something like,
you can do whatever you want to me.
What you really mean is, of the four things we normally do.
(laughing)
Within the parameters we've already set.
But interesting, don't you think,
that there's often chat before and during sex,
but very little chat after sex?
Just sort of, ni'night,
or, I'm gonna have a piss as soon as this thing flattens,
that sort of thing. (laughing)
(audience applauding)
Or maybe something like,
oh get us a biscuit while you're up.
(laughing)
Or even something like, is the dog still starin'?
(laughing)
But I had to go to the doctors.
I had a sore throat for a bit too long
and I went to see my doctor.
My doctor said, I'm gonna send you to see a specialist,
an ear, nose and throat specialist.
I said okay, so off I go to see this fella.
Lovely fella he was.
He said to me, do you suffer from acid reflux?
And I said no.
And then when I got home I thought,
I should have said yes,
'cause I realised that my husband and I eat so many Rennies
that we call them bathroom sweets.
(laughing)
He said to me, I'd like you to take Gaviscon
after every meal.
I said after every meal, or every time I've eaten
'cause those two are very different numbers.
(laughing)
He said, ideally, I'd like to put a camera down your throat
so we can have a look at what we're dealing with.
I said okay and I thought, this is the bit
where he sends me away and I come back in six months
for the new appointment and he went,
no, no, we can do that now.
Oh shit. (laughing)
So he came out with this contraption,
metal like this and metal like this.
The main thing that you need to know is it's very rigid,
none of it moves, so I have to move because it won't move
and he puts it down my throat and I instantly gag.
(gagging) (laughing)
And he pulled it out and he said,
are you gonna be okay with this?
And I said, yes.
(laughing)
And he put it back in, (gagging) again.
(laughing)
I was mortified.
He said, do me a favour,
the next time you think you're gonna gag, do this.
(high pitched singing)
I said, why?
He said, it stops you gagging and I thought, noted.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
My husband's gonna think he's being sucked off
by a Geordie pensioner.
(laughing)
And who knows, some day he might be.
No, I mean that we'll be pensioners,
I don't mean like, for a present.
(laughing)
Come on in Doris, he's ready for his gift now.
Happy birthday to you.
(laughing)
I've got a good duck fact for you,
you might not know this.
The duck penis is a corkscrew,
so if you ever see a couple of ducks trying to have sex
in the park, just give them a hand to just,
give them a hand.
(laughing)
And you'll know when he's finished
'cause his wings'll go up like that.
(laughing)
I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're well.
I'm also well.
I'd a migraine a few weeks ago,
I don't get them often enough to worry about,
but I do get them every now and again
and I thought, I'll go on Twitter
and I'll ask people on Twitter
how they get rid of their migraines.
Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.
(audience cheering)
Quite a few of you
and I got the usual expected responses
and then my favourite one came up
and it said, two Nurofen and a wank.
(laughing)
And it totally worked.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.
(laughing)
Thanks, @BootsTheChemist.
(laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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I'm sure those emails or those dishes can wait
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