>>Russell Peters: My Lebanese friends, ever gone back to Beirut?
[Audience members cheer]
Let me tell you something. I've partied, all over the world, and by far, without trying to suck up to you guys,
'Cause I'm scared--
[Laughter]
but out of all the places I've been to, in the world, Beirut parties, like you've never seen, before.
[Audience cheers]
They literally party, like there's no tomorrow!
[Laughter]
[Laughter and Clapping]
There could, very well be, over there, you know?
[Laughter]
And you've never seen chain-smoking, like you-- like, you go to Beirut, you see chain-smoking!
To us, chainsmokers light up a cigarette, finish, throw it on the ground, and start another one.
Lebanon? Three at a time.
One in this hand, one in this hand, and, like, one of those fake blue ones for safety, you know what I mean?
[Laughter]
And I'm like, "Dude, aren't you worried about getting cancer?"
[Arabic accent] "I will never die of cancer."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Do you have the cure?"
[Laughter]
[Arabic accent] "The Yehudis will kill me, well before the cancer can, I don't have to worry about that!"
[Laughter]
"Cancer-- AIDS-- No disease, will get me, don't worry!"
[Laughter]
I know what the problem is, in the Middle East.
My Arab friends, listen up.
Here's how to start change, over there.
Here's what the first problem is. Arab men--
will never say,
[Arabic accent] "No! I don't know."
[Laughter]
They will never say no, and they will never admit, to not knowing something.
It, somehow, emasculates an Arab man, to not know something. It doesn't matter what it is--
if he doesn't know, he'll make up a story.
[Laughter]
And he will yell it, at you!
[Laughter]
Doesn't matter what you ask him, it could be something as simple as, "Hey uh, do you know how to make a cake?"
[Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."
[Laughter]
"Everybody knows how to make cake!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Really? 'Cause I don't know how to make cake."
[No audio]
"Could you show me?"
[Low laughter]
[Arabic accent] "Yes."
[Laughter]
You know how you can tell, when an Arab guy's lying?
He'll start his answer off with,
[Arabic accent] "Okay."
[Laughter]
That's the fucking tip-off, when you know he's lying--
right then.
'Cause I'm like, "Really? I don't know how to make a cake. How do you make a cake?"
[Arabic accent] "Okay."
[Laughter]
"First, you get cake."
[Laughter]
"Then, you make it, for 20 minutes."
[Laughter]
"Then, you have cake."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Are you sure?"
"Cause I don't think that's how you make cake."
[Yelling in an Arabic accent] "THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE CAKE!"
[Laughter]
'THEY HAVE BEEN MAKING CAKE, LIKE THAT, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME!"
[Laughter]
I'm like, "Alright, don't get crazy! I'm just asking."
It's true! It doesn't matter what you ask them. If they don't know, they will make up a story
It's-- and this really happened to me, last year.
I was in Dubai.
I was in Bloomingdale's, the department store. The American department store.
So, clearly, there's a problem with the Jews and the Arabs.
So, I'm in Bloomingdale's-- I'm looking to leave the store. I'm looking for an escalator,
I see a security guy, standing there, I walk up, and I go,
"Hi, is there an escalator in here?"
[Arabic accent] "Yes."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Uh, do you know where it is?"
[Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Do you think you could tell me, where it is?
[Laughter]
[Arabic accent] "Yes."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Fuckin' tell me then!"
[Laughter]
[Arabic accent] "Okay--"
[Laughter]
"You go straight, then left, then right."
[Low laughter]
I have no reason to doubt this guy.
Go straight, then left, then right. So, I go straight--
I go left--
and I go right, into a wall!
[Laughter]
There's another guy, working in that part of the store. I go, "Excuse me, is there an escalator, here?" He goes,
[Arabic accent] "Do you see one?"
[Laughter]
I go, "No, I don't see one. That's why I'm asking."
[Arabic accent] "Do you think, maybe, they put a wall in front of it?
[Laughter]
I go, "I don't know what I think, that's why I'm asking you!"
[Arabic accent] "Why would you think there is an escalator, on this wall?"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Cause some guy, that worked here, told me, there was an escalator, here.
[Arabic accent] "Maybe he lied."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Who the Hell lies, about an escalator?!"
[Arabic accent] "Apparently that guy."
[Laughter]
I go, "Is there an escalator, in your store?!"
[Arabic accent] "Of course! How else you go up and down?"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Do you know, where it is?"
[Arabic accent] "I work here!
[Normal voice] "So did that guy!"
[Laughter]
"Can you tell me, where it is?"
[Arabic accent] "Yes."
[Low laughter]
[Yelling in normal voice] "WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!"
[Laughter]
[Arabic accent] "Okay--"
[Laughter]
"You have to go back--"
[Low laughter]
"Then go straight, then left, then right."
I go, "No, no, no, no! That's how I ended up here. Those are the same directions!"
[Arabic accent] Well, that's where it is."
[Normal voice] "Are you sure?"
[Arabic accent] "Why would I lie?
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "Why would that guy lie?!"
[Arabic accent] "That's his problem."
[Laughter]
I go, "Okay, thank you."
So, I go back. I walked past the guy, that gave me the bullshit directions.
Now, I'm hoping, as a man, that this guy, is going to continue the lie, for me.
At least, do that, you know? When I say, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there."
I'm hoping this guy's gonna be like,
[Shocked Arabic accent] "What?!"
"It was just there, one hour ago!"
[Laughter]
"They moved it?!"
[Laughter]
But nothing! I go, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there."
This guy goes--
[Laughter]
That's the problem, in the Middle East.
Arab men, you need to know how to say,
[Arabic accent] "No! I don't know."
Do you realize how much shit could've been avoided?
The Iraq War, would never have happened!
[Low laughter]
They knew they didn't have weapons of mass destruction!
[Laughter]
But when the U.S. asked them, "Do you have weapons of mass destruction?"
[Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."
[Laughter]
[Laughter and Clapping]
"Everybody has weapons of mass destruction!"
[Laughter]
Even the Iraqi people were like,
[Arabic accent] "What are you doing?! Shut up!"
[Laughter]
[North American accent] "Where are they?"
[Arabic accent] "Okay--"
[Laughter]
"Go straight, then left, then right."
[Laughter]
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