Aaron Bleyaert, who you may be familiar with-
We call him Bley. Bley.
Bley has been with me,
I believe he started working on the show
as an intern back when the TV show,
I think, was in black and white. (chuckles)
It was a long, long time ago.
And then rose to prominence with our online stuff,
and we did "Clueless Gamer" together.
And we've been joined at the hip for a long, long time.
Well, he often takes a look at the Conan subreddit.
Mm-hmm.
And there is a new thread, a hearty discussion.
Do you want to hear the subject?
I'll admit, I'm horrified.
Don't be.
I don't want to embarrass,
do you know what a subreddit is?
It's the one that's beneath the Reddit.
Okay.
Yeah. In a way, you're right.
Yeah. All right.
"I think Conan is so attractive."
Now, wait a minute. You said this is a hot debate.
No, I said-
That's horrifying to me. I said a healthy-
I don't think I said debate. Did I say debate?
You said a hot topic.
A hot topic, yeah.
Making it seem like it was something
that people were having a heated discussion about almost.
Yeah, you sound like well, you know,
you say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to.
There are people out there that think Conan's attractive.
And then of course, just as many people are firing back.
I just mean it's a popular thread.
Hey, see? That's nice.
"I've always liked Conan,
but now I'm starting to think of him as attractive.
His personality-"
What do you mean now I'm starting to think
of him as attractive?
You're just growing into it.
Okay, I'm going to shut up. Go ahead.
"His personality is amazing,
and his sense of humor is great.
I can't stop watching videos of him.
I just think he's so cute.
Please tell me there's some Conan fangirls out there."
Then the first comment is,
"Come on, Conan, we know this is you."
(Conan laughs)
Damn it!
I worked hard disguising myself.
And someone's gone as far as to say,
"I've thought this since I was a teen. Top five Conans.
Bearded Conan during Writer's Strike.
Conan showing off his long legs.
Conan delivering Chinese food in NYC.
Conan playing air guitar."
Does this make you uncomfortable, or do you love this?
Wow. Let's see. Both.
Okay.
How about that? Is that a fair answer?
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
It's a sushi roll.
There's a discomfort of rice,
and there's the, of course, hearty protein
of someone out there likes me.
(Sona laughs)
What's that show? Crazy-
Was it "Crazy, Stupid, Love," or whatever? What's that?
That movie, yeah. The movie. Oh, yeah.
"Crazy, Stupid, Love," with Emma Stone and-
Steve Carell.
And Ryan Gosling.
The movie starts with, and I saw it in the movie theater,
and the movie starts with Emma Stone saying,
"You know, I kind of think Conan O'Brien's, you know-"
Is that right?
Yeah, and then immediately, and I was sort of,
I was in the movie theater thinking, "Well, hello."
You know? Just about to pat myself on the back.
And then the character she's talking to was like,
"What are you talking about?"
Well, not here. Do you think I'd wanna mess-
And then she says, "Do you think I'd wanna mess ar-
I don't wanna mess around with his ginger junk,"
was what she said.
I'm in the theater! And I'm sitting next to my wife!
And my wife is nodding. Like, "Yeah, true."
Tell me about it. Yeah, tell me about it.
(Sona laughs)
She's there nodding.
Like, my wife yelled out, "Preach!
(Sona and Gourley laugh)
Amen!"
Been there!
Been there and done that!
Oh my God.
Yeah, and so, yeah. I've been humiliated many times.
Come on!
But you you're focusing on that,
but Emma Stone's character said you were attractive.
Her character did.
Come on! But then someone wrote that-
Like, why can't you just be like,
"Nice job, Cones. Well done."
Okay, yeah. Do you agree that-
To me, it's funny that whenever something like
that happens in my life,
it's immediately followed by the other thing.
Not this.
Not this. Not always.
This whole thread is positive reinforcement.
In fact, it folds in on itself.
It says, this is the first time I'm reading this,
"Gourley reading this thread to Conan
on the podcast would be gold."
And then the next comment is,
"As a dude who loves Conan and Gourley
for so many different reasons, please let this happen."
Yes!
Yes, and then the next comment is, all caps,
"Conan in jeggings."
Oh my God. I remember that.
I remember, I believe, the three Kardashian sisters were
on that day that I wore jeggings.
I think they were. Yeah.
And then I walked out in the hall afterwards
and was talking to them and realized,
I was chatting up the Kardashians as one does.
And it looked like my lower half had been spray painted
with an acid wash.
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
"I met Conan a few years back.
I have, had, will always have a huge crush on him."
See? That's something you can't mitigate.
Like, that's undeniable.
What's this guy's name?
Lindsey Graham.
(Conan and Sona laugh)
"I was so nervous that my-"
Mutual, Lindsey!
"I was so nervous that my husband had
to really push me to talk to him,
so I don't think my hubby has any clue how hot
for Conan I am or else he'd be jealous."
I mean, I've seen it in person in, though.
When we went on tour, there were a lot of people-
There was a girl, and it was in the documentary,
where she was wearing a shirt that said,
"Dreamin' of bonin' Conan."
Oh, wow.
You know how hard it was for me to make that shirt?
(all laugh)
I made them myself with iron-on letters,
and I sold them in the lobby myself.
By yourself. (laughs)
Yeah, with a mustache on, so no one-
That's so sad.
I'd be like, "Oh, ladies. So you like most ladies?
Do you want to buy this shirt? What's this accent?
I had a bad accent.
"You would like the 'Bonin' with Conan' shirt."
Sometimes they'd be like, "Conan, this is so sad."
"No, I'm not the Conan man.
I am from the other country."
(laughs) The other country.
You hadn't even thought your character through.
I hadn't really given it a lot of thought.
I was so busy making the "Bonin' with Conan" t-shirts
that I had to get it out there.
I gotta share more of these.
I mean, it goes against all my fiber of my being
to give you this joy, but, "He's the hottest."
Here's another one. "Oh my God."
OMG is how it was written, in full disclosure.
"I had a huge crush on Conan since the seventh grade.
I'm in my thirties now,
and he's still the hottest celebrity in my book.
He's been my crush for 30 years." Wow.
That's good.
It goes on and on. It's just reinforcing
how old I am.
No. How do you hear that? Come on.
Conan has been my crush for 75 years.
This is on and on about how attractive you are.
I've had a crush on Grandma Moses.
(all laugh)
It's 1911.
Did they mention us at all, Gourls?
Not really, no. Well, isn't that just crap?
Hm. Yeah, hm.
It's okay. That's all right.
"Yes, girl. He is adorbs.
His personality and genuineness def helps, too. Heart."
(Conan laughs)
I'm sorry. "I'm a straight male.
I think I'd let Conan have his way with me."
(Sona laughs)
Well, now we're getting somewhere. Finally.
"I've had a big crush on Conan since I was 13, 14.
I'm almost 25 now, and I still have a thing for him.
Some friends of mine in college would call me Conan
after I started talking about my crush on him. LMAO.
I even saw the show live in 2016, even waved at me,
and I practically swooned.
I think if I met him, I would die happy. LOL, wink wink."
I remember waving at that audience member.
Yeah. You're their Slash, how he's my love.
Yeah. You're theirs.
Right. That's nice.
Gourley, who's your big celebrity crush?
Eva Green.
Really? Yeah.
She's amazing. I love her.
Who's that?
Eva Green? She was Vesper Lynd in "Casino Royale."
I knew she was a "Bond" girl.
Yeah. Yeah.
In "Casino Royale."
Yeah, she's the best one.
She's-
I'll Google her.
God, she's beautiful.
And honestly, too, Judy Greer, past guest on the show.
Oh, oh, oh. Tell me about it. Yeah.
I mean, she's a beautiful woman who's also hilarious
and has an amazing personality.
Yeah. I was a little bit nervous when she was on.
Yeah, I could tell.
She's pretty.
Yeah, you kept frying when she tried
to touch a strand of her hair.
I tried to snip it off.
Yeah.
Wait, who was your crush?
There's too many. Over the years-
There's gotta be any.
Yeah, but there's gotta be one.
Oh, there are.
Okay. There are.
You don't wanna say?
I guess it's different for you 'cause you meet them,
and you know them
and that'll be weird. They'll be creeped out.
I am.
My celebrity crush is Amanda Seyfried as Elizabeth Holmes.
The Theranos woman.
Yeah. Yeah.
With the voice? Yeah. Yeah.
I was just like, "Do that voice.
Put on way too much lipstick.
Now, wear this black turtleneck.
Now, try and convince me you have a system
for measuring blood with one drop that doesn't work.
That's it! That's it! I love you."
That's my official kink.
That's probably what sex life is like
with her and her guy.
If I went to a dominatrix, I would say,
"Could you dress up as-"
They'd be like, "Wait, what?"
(all laugh)
Who's yours? Slash?
Oh, yeah. Slash.
I mean, before Slash, it was Jordan Knight
from New Kids on the Block.
He's the first boy that I was like, "Aw."
But then Slash was my-
I mean, there's no other way to say this.
He was my sexual awakening.
Oh, that was what Blondie was to me.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Yeah. It's a good one.
Oh my God, yeah.
But the comic strip. The old comic strip.
Yeah, the comic strip
with Dagwood eating a giant sandwich.
That was your crush. That's a joke-
Don't talk about it too much.
No one's gonna get that.
I love crushes. I used to love having a crush.
It was awful, but I loved it.
Yeah.
In the early days of the "Late Night" show,
I would have them-
I mean, that's why that's too many.
It was just, I was young and these beautiful women
were coming on all the time.
And there were, I mean,
I remember the first time Jennifer Connelly came on the show
and I had to go and have my eyes surgically removed and-
(laughs) Why?
'Cause they just came popping out
of my head and exploding.
Awooga!
No, she's so beautiful and lovely.
Just such a lovely person.
But yeah, I was getting crushes all the time back
in the day, the nineties.
It's just one long crush-a-thon.
But it's all in the past, now, for I'm married, ladies!
Yeah.
And I won't be for long if I keep using this voice.
(all laugh)
Wait, you and the Theranos woman get together
with those two voices.
Hello. Amanda Seyfried is Elizabeth Holmes.
I wish to date you.
Oh, I don't think that's possible.
I'm busy working on this mechanism.
I dropped out of Berkeley after sophomore year.
What a boner killer.
Well, I think we make a wonderful couple.
I am Conan O'Brien from the '90s.
You're Amanda Seyfried as Elizabeth Holmes.
I must have you.
Oh, okay, but first I need you to invest $40 million
in this very flawed machine that keeps exploding Walgreens.
You're turning me on, you temptress!
I wanna put some erotic music in there.
What a sad sexual fantasy.
That's my sexual fantasy.
Conan O'Brien from the '90s,
like, '93, '94, when my voice was up here
'cause I'm trying so hard to please.
And Amanda Seyfried playing Elizabeth Holmes.
Hello? Who is this?
Why, greetings!
Portrayal of Elizabeth Holmes?
It's I, Conan O'Brien from the early '90s.
I brought you flowers.
Oh, if you could just put those flowers over in the corner.
I'm working on taking apart this machine that we stole,
so that we can turn it into what looks
like a Theranos machine to defraud investors.
Well, it sounds like an erotic evening for us.
Let's get to it. I love that turtleneck.
It swallows your whole head.
Yeah, I'm wearing it all.
Anyway, you wouldn't happen to have $65 million?
Oh, you're turning me on.
I love being defrauded by you, biographical portrayal!
I'm Elizabeth Holmes as played by Amanda Seyfried!
I'm close.
I'm so close! Just talk to me a little more.
Tell me how it's gonna be in every Walgreens.
Well, the plan is to have there be a wellness center
in every Walgreens.
And kibbidybee, we got there!
(all laugh)
That's right! That's how Conan O'Brien orgasms in 1994.
Oh, kibbidybee! And a dippidy-dappidy-doo!
No! No!
Where's my human resources button?
We need to end this.
I love my insistence
on calling her dramatic portrayal.
(all laugh)
It's not Amanda Seyfried, and it's not Elizabeth Holmes.
It's Elizabeth Holmes as portrayed by Amanda Seyfried.