We can't start a video like that. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And this year it seemed
more important than ever to address it. So today we're going to be talking about how
mental health issues can affect your sex life and what you can do about it.
If you're new to our channel, then hi, we are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa is a
sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.
And our account is all about giving you the tips, tools, and techniques that you need
to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if that
sounds good to you, go ahead and hit that subscribe button right now.
These days, if you haven't experienced your own struggles with mental health, you at least
know someone who has. With the pandemic forcing that's all indoors many of us have also been
feeling the extra mental toll of not seeing loved ones and not having our normal outlets
to rely on. The New York Times has even come out with a term to describe the joyless and
aimless feeling that we've all had this past year. It's called languishing. And it basically
means that blah feeling of stagnation or emptiness. And it's not exactly the sexiest term. Is
it?
So just like anyone else, Xander and I have each had our fair share of difficult times
in our lives, and we really want to help normalize mental health struggles and help people realize
it is completely common and normal to have challenges with your mental health. So just
to normalize it even more, we want to hear from you. So drop a Y in the comments down
below, if you've ever struggled with any sort of mental health issue and an N down below,
if you haven't. So whether you've been suffering with your mental health for years, or for
the very first time, this year has brought some challenges for you. You probably know
that mental health can affect every area of your life, and this includes your sex life.
So it can feel really hard to get in the mood for sex if you can barely get yourself out
of bed in the morning. It can be hard to want to connect with your
partner if you're feeling disconnected from everything and everyone. And it can be hard
to feel aroused if the medication that you're on is really tanking your libido. So we've
found that sex tends to be one of the first needs to go when you're struggling with your
mental health. It's just something that does not feel that important when you're having
a really tough time. So we want to be really clear, we do not want to sugar coat this,
trying to get your sex life back on track while you're dealing with mental health issues
is really hard work. We are definitely not saying, "Watch this
quick YouTube video and you will be cured." And of course, we want to acknowledge that
there are different levels of severity of mental health issues. So we obviously think
that sex is an important part of life, but we also realize that there are plenty of situations
where we would give people the advice to not focus on your sex life. If you're having really
severe health issues, even moderate mental health issues, it just might not be the thing
that you really need to focus on at this point in time. So we just want to be super clear
about all of that. That being said, if you are in a relatively stable place, you're feeling
the desire to work on your sex life, you want to reconnect with that part of yourself, we
wanted to give you some tips for how you can get there.
All right. So tip number one is seek out a trusted mental health practitioner. So we
just want to say it flat out there is no shame in seeking help. I know that it can feel really
hard to get to that place. It might feel like, if I don't acknowledge that I have a problem,
then I don't have a problem, or it's just going to go away. But often these types of
things without help, without talking about it, they only get worse. So it's just so important
to ask for help because you deserve to feel supported and you deserve to know that it
doesn't need to be this way forever.
Yeah. So just to normalize this, again, we've each done therapy individually, we've done
therapy as a couple. Therapy of course, isn't the only way that you can address mental health
issues. But we know from lots of experience that it can be so helpful to have somebody
trusted, a trusted professional to talk things out with.
Yeah. And then the other point is that medications are sometimes necessary for people who are
struggling with mental health. Most medications though do have sexual side effects. So it's
important to find a doctor who takes those side effects seriously and is also comfortable
talking with you openly about them because many doctors don't offer up that information
to you. You need to advocate for yourself and talk about it.
And we also want to acknowledge this can be a really challenging situation to know the
one hand I need a medication to help me get through life. For some people, medications
are even necessary for them to live and at the same time to be recognizing, "Okay, but
this medication that I need is also going to have these negative sexual side effects."
And nobody should have to be in the position where you have to choose between your mental
health and your sex life. So this is definitely a challenging situation. That being said,
like Xander was saying, it is possible to really advocate for yourself to find a practitioner
who takes these side effects seriously. And there are things that you can do to mitigate
those sexual side effects.
Yeah, whether that's just trying a couple of different options to weigh the pros and
cons of each one and gauge what effect it has on your sex drive. And yeah, that's why
we say it really requires having a doctor or a practitioner that is open to talking
about that.
All right. Step number two is to prioritize the daily practices that help you feel good.
So we're talking basic self care stuff, feeding yourself well, keeping yourself hydrated,
journaling, getting some sunshine on your face. These are very simple things. Again,
we're not saying, " All you need to do to cure your mental health issues. Let's just
sit out in the sun for 10 minutes day," especially serious mental health issues. That being said,
these kinds of things do make a difference and anything that can make a difference, anything
that can make life just a little bit better, you deserve to do.
I want to call out one thing in particular, which is exercise. So I know when you're struggling
with your mental health, moving your body around, getting sweaty, sometimes feel like
the absolute last thing that you want to do, but there's been some really fascinating research
done on the connection between exercise and mental health. It has been shown time and
time again to improve our mental health and also to improve the sexual side effects of
medications. So exercise is one of the best things that you can do for your mental health.
All right. Number three is talk to your partner about what you're struggling with. Being open
and honest about your mental health issues go a long way towards dismantling any shame
or embarrassment that you might be feeling. There may be ways that your partner can be
on your treatment team in a way in terms of supporting you or ways that they can better
educate themselves about mental health. I think a lot of us really worry that letting
our partner in is almost like an admission of defeat, or they're going to see us as weaker
or damaged in some way. But they're going to feel empathetic towards you and just talking
about it and having some support and empathy can really go a long way to helping.
That's what we sign up for with relationships. Right? To be there with each other in the
good times and the bad. So of course, it feels vulnerable to share this kind of stuff with
your partner and let them see you in that super vulnerable state. But it's also what
relationships are all about.
Yeah. So then another good thing about opening up with your partner is that then not allows
you to ask your partner for what you really need, whether that's space, some alone time,
maybe some extra help with household chores, for example, that kind of stuff. So if you
aren't open about it, then it becomes much harder to be asking for all these things and
you can't explain why you're asking for them. And then the final little piece of that is
that when you're open about it, you can then also talk to your partner and just tell them,
"I have not been feeling like myself and that includes in the bedroom." So kind of just
setting some expectations around sex drive and what day should expect as you're battling
through these issues.
Yeah. Again, I think this is like you were saying it's something that a lot of people
don't want to talk about, but especially when it comes to sex, your partner probably already
knows something is up. If you guys haven't been having sex that much, if you've been
turning them down a lot. So yeah, it can be scary to open up that conversation, but it's
going to lead the two of you to a better place. Your partner's going to understand what is
what's going on instead of maybe making assumptions that it's about them, you're not in love with
them anymore, not attracted to them anymore.
Oh, yeah. It's so easy for our minds to go to these worst case scenarios. So yeah, that's
a huge reason right there to just be upfront about what's going so that no one has to make
bad assumptions.
All right. And that ties us into tip number four, which is to talk to other people too.
I think mental health challenges can feel really isolating, even though you rationally
know you're not the only person going through it, it's very easy to feel like, "I'm the
only person in the world who's not happy right now." So it can be really helpful to try to
open up conversations with family members, close friends, anyone in your life that you
really trust. Keeping these feelings to ourselves not only does it make us feel very alone,
but it also makes it feel like we have to solve the problem completely on our own. When
in reality, you probably have a lot of people in your life who would be supportive of you
if they knew what was going on. And maybe they're not going to help cure whatever it
is that's going on for you but even just being able to have these open conversations, rely
on people for a little bit of support, doing a favor, that can make such a big difference.
And the reality is that you probably have loved ones who are going through their own
mental health challenges. So this is an opportunity for you to create even deeper connection and
to realize we really are not alone in this. Another option is that you can find support
groups, whether that's online or in person. For some people making connections with people
that they don't actually know can feel a little bit more supportive and encouraging, especially
at the beginning. So that's another great option to seek out. But just any sort of talking
about it out loud with other people, this is the way that we break the shame and the
stigma around mental health issues. So it may even help for you to think about this
as, "Okay, this is me taking care of myself, but this is also me contributing to a world
where other people can get more support for mental health, other people don't have to
feel so ashamed about struggling."
Yeah, that's great. So tip number five is be gentle with yourself, especially around
your expectations about sex. So the reality is you're probably not going to have the same
relationship with sex that you did before. And that's really hard and painful. So it's
important to just give yourself some validation and just acknowledge that. Get yourself to
the point where you can acknowledge that and feel okay with it. So what can we do once
we do that? So you can lower the bar a bit. A lot of us feel like we still have to be
100% interested in sex in order to do it. But maybe 25% feels like a better benchmark
for you. If you just feel that little jolt of energy or curiosity, jump on that enthusiasm
and see what happens. Also, just think about taking baby steps,
especially if you're coming out of a dry spell. You can just start with kissing your partner
more on a given day and just gauge how does that feel? Slowly ease in to trying to do
a couple more things and see how you like it and what kind of difference that makes
between you and your partner.
Tip number six is to masturbate. So Xander was just talking about lowering the bar. Masturbation
is another way to do this. You might feel a lot more open to masturbating. It might
feel like this smaller hurdle than sex with your partner. So the good thing about masturbating
is that it will keep your libido up. It will keep you having this connection to your sexuality,
to your sex drive. It also has lots of positive benefits. It releases tons of feel-good neurotransmitters
and hormones into our body that make us feel better mentally. So masturbating is not going
to cure depression, but it can definitely give us a little bit of a mood boost. If you're
a woman who's been struggling with masturbation or your orgasm, we actually have a free guide
about the very best techniques for female masturbation. So we will pop a link to that
guide down in the description box below.
All right, tip number seven is, be flexible with your definition of sex. So you might
feel more open to just making out with your partner, or a hand job, or mutual masturbation,
a lot more than you feel to having like full-blown intercourse sex. But the reality is that all
of these acts are still considered sex. Sex does not just have to be intercourse. That's
something in heterosexual relationships we really struggle with. We all think that like
sex equals intercourse, but the reality is all the options on the table are sex and we
get to choose what we want.
Everything counts as sex.
Yeah. And when you're struggling with mental health issues, there's no rule that says that,
"You have to have sex exactly the way that you did before. The only way to please your
partner, the only way to be sexually active is to do intercourse every single time." That's
just not how it works. Another option is to think about doing what we're calling one sided
sex. So that's just like doing something for your partner even if you are not open to experiencing
pleasure yourself. So offering to give a hand job, finger your partner, oral sex, something
like that. And the reality is oftentimes when we start doing that stuff, we may feel more
open to it ourselves. But there is no requirement for that. Just think about, "Will it feel
good to me to give some pleasure to my partner?"
Yeah, that's really the key there. I think it's really easy for us to get into this place
of feeling like we owe sex to our partner. We have to do it for them. And that's not
what we're talking about at all. We're talking about you making the conscious decision of,
"I don't feel like anything for myself right now, but I feel totally good doing something
for my partner."
So the bottom line of all of that is this, that any form of physical intimacy with your
partner is really good for both your own personal mental health and also your relationship.
All right. So again, we just want to say, we know that this can be really hard work.
If you are struggling with mental health right now, our hearts go out to you. Please know
that you are not alone.
So that wraps up this video. If you liked it, please give us a like, hit the red button
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Thanks for watching.
See you next time.