THE LOVE YOU WILL NEVER FEEL.
OH, YEAH.
HAPPY FRIDAY MY FRIDAY FRIENDS.
I LOOK GREAT.
TONIGHT’S MONOLOGUE IS ABOUT
PRIORITIES, THE MEDIA’S
PRIORITIES, THE GOVERNMENT’S
PRIORITIES.
LIKE THERE’S ANY DIFFERENCE
THERE.
AND YOUR PRIORITIES WHICH DON’T
MATTER TO THEM.
HERE’S A FUN STORY ABOUT NEW
YORK.
A THUG KNOCKED OUT A DINER IN AN
UNPROVOKED ATTACK LEAVING HIM IN
A COMA WITH A FRACTURED SCULL.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS FUN.
THE ATTACKER RECENTLY GOT OUT OF
PRISON FOR RAPE.
I KNOW HE’S PROBABLY A VICTIM OF
THE SYSTEM.
AND BY SYSTEM, I MEAN WHAT WE
USED TO CALL LAW AND ORDER.
SO WHERE IS HE NOW?
WELL, AFTER HIS CHARGE FOR
ACCIDENTED MURDER WAS DOWNGRADED
TO A MISDEMEANOR, HE’S OUT ON NO
CASH BAIL.
BECAUSE TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE
ISN’T THAT MUCH DIFFERENT THESE
DAYS THAN LOITERING.
AND NOW HE’S FREE TO BEAT AND
RAPE AGAIN.
SO AUDIENCE, HAVE FUN WALKING
BACK TO YOUR CARS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: BECAUSE KEEPING HIM
BEHIND BARS WOULD HAVE MADE HIM
THE VICTIM.
AND THAT’S HIS JOB, MAKING
VICTIMS.
WEREN’T WE TOLD BAIL REFORM WAS
ONLY FOR NONVIOLENT FELONIES?
BUT IT’S A BAIT AND SWITCH LIKE
WHEN I ORDER STEAK MEDIUM WELL
AND THE WAITER PUNCHES ME IN THE
FACE INSTEAD.
ONCE AGAIN THE POLITICIANS LEFT
WING DAs AND JUDGES PLAY RUSSIAN
ROULETTE WITH LAW ABIDING
CITIZENS AND EVERY TIME THEY
PASS SOMETHING LIKE BAIL REFORM
IT’S LIKE THEY’RE ADDING ANOTHER
BULLET TO THE CHAMBER OF A GUN
POINTED AT YOUR HEAD.
TO THEM THE CITY IS JUST AN
EXPERIMENTAL AQUARIUM.
SO WHAT’S A FEW PA RAN AS AS
THEY HIDE IN THE CALF IN THE
CORNER.
SO THIS RAIN EVEN IFFED IS OUT.
IT’S LIKE THE DA AREs ARE SAYING
YOU GOT RAPE DOWN PRETTY WELL
BUT YOU STILL NEED TO WORK ON
YOUR MURDERING SKILLS.
SO GET OUT THERE AND DON’T COME
BACK UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT.
YOU THINK MAYOR ERIC ADAMS WOULD
BE ALL OVER THIS.
BUT HE DOES MORE LEADERSHIP
SERVICE THAN PELOSI’S PLASTIC
SURGEON. HERE’S WHAT HE’S UP TO.
HERE’S WHAT HE’S UP TO.
>> HEY, GUYS.
50.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: IT WAS ALL IN THE HIPS.
SO HE DRESSED UP AS A
CONSTRUCTION WORKER TO DESTROY
AN OUTDOOR DINING SHED.
SO FIRST HE WAS A COP.
NOW HE’S A CONSTRUCTION WORKER. ANYBODY SEEING A PATTERN HERE?
ANYBODY SEEING A PATTERN HERE?
I THINK WE’VE GOT A ONE
MANVILLEAGE PEOPLE GOING ON.
SO HE TOOK DOWN THE SHED BECAUSE
PEOPLE WERE PEEING IN THEM.
FAIR ENOUGH BUT IF THE MAYOR
WENT AROUND SMASHING EVERYTHING
THAT’S BEEN PEED ON IN NEW YORK,
THERE WOULDN’T BE A THING LEFT
STANDING.
INCLUDING MADONNA.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I DON’T GET IT.
I DON’T GET THAT.
NOW UNLESS PERPS ARE DISGUISING
THEMSELVES AS SHED, I QUESTION
ADAMS PRIORITIES.
LIKE BRIAN STELTER’S
CHOLESTEROL, THIS IS NOT HIS
BIGGEST PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.
PEOPLE ARE BEAKED ATTACKED AND
MURDERED.
NERO MAY HAVE IF I HADLED BUT
ERIC’S HAMMERING.
AND WHAT’S THE GOVERNOR OF NEW
YORK DOING?
SHE ANNOUNCED THAT SHE SIGNED A
BILL REPLACING THE WORD SALESMAN
WITH SALESPERSON.
THIS TO HELP WOMEN IN THE
WORKPLACE.
YEAH, SOME HELP.
SHE’S A REAL LEA THOMAS.
RAPE IS UP 10% AND SHE’S
REPLACING MAN WITH PERSON.
THIS IS REALLY HER PRIORITY?
911 WHAT’S YOUR EMERGENCY?
I WAS JUST ASSAULTED BY A
SALESMAN.
YOU MEAN SALESPERSON DON’T YOU?
I’LL SEND SAY SQUAD CAR, BUT NOT
FOR HIM, MA’AM, FOR YOU.
SOMEONE SHOULD REMIND THE
GOVERNOR THAT WHILE JOBS MAY NOT
HAVE GENDERS, VICTIMS OF VIOLENT
CRIMES DO, A LOT OF THEM ARE
WOMEN.
SO WHETHER IT’S SALESMAN OR
SALESPERSON, NEW YORKERS
SHOULDN’T BE BUYING THE [BLEEP]
SHE’S SELLING.
THIS IS THE SAME IDIOT BY THE
WAY WHO REPLACED THE WORD INMATE
WITH INCARCERATED PERSON.
THAT HELPED.
FINE, I’D LOVE TO CALL VIOLENT
CRIMINALS INCARCERATED PERSONS,
BUT NONE OF THEM ARE INCARCERATED ANYMORE.
INCARCERATED ANYMORE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I’D SAY
THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THE
ASYLUM, BUT I CAN’T SAY INMATES
ANYMORE.
I DON’T WANT TO GET CANCELLED.
AND I TELL PEOPLE TO FILE A
COMPLAINT WITH THE GOVERNMENT,
BUT WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO.
>> HI.
SO MY SISTER AND I WERE ATTACKED
ON THE SUBWAY AND THE STATE DID
NOTHING.
>> SOUNDS GOOD. HERE HAVE YOUR NEXT OF KIN FILL
HERE HAVE YOUR NEXT OF KIN FILL
OUT THIS FORM, SIGN, DATE, NOTE
NOTE RISE.
>> WAIT, I WANT TO SPEAK WITH A
SUPERVISOR.
>> THERE’S A FORM FOR THAT,: TOO
YOU’LL NEED THIS, THIS, AND
THESE.
THANK YOU.
>> I’M HERE TO FILL OUT MY
RELEASE FORM.
>> OH, NO, YOU’RE GOOD.
WE TOOK CARE OF IT.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> OKAY.
AND DONE.
OH, YOU USED BLUE INK.
I CAN’T ACCEPT THOSE.
YOU’LL NEED TO FILL OUT A
MISHANDLED FORM FORM.
LET ME SEE IF I CAN GRAB THAT.
>> AND ONCE I GHAT CAN I SUBMIT
ALL OF THIS AT ONCE?
>> SURE.
>> PERFECT.
>> Greg: THAT SHOULD BE UP FOR
AN EMMY.
NOT YOU.
BUT THIS IS ALL FAKERY POINTLESS
VIRTUE SIGNALING WHILE CITIES
CRUMBLE A SCHEMES AFFLICTING
THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY THANKS TO A
FAKE NEWS MEDIA THAT DECIDES
WHAT’S IMPORTANT OR NOT.
FEW STORIES MORE RELEVANT THAN
BLOOD LOSS BUT NOW IT’S ALL
THINGS TRUMP.
AND I GET IT HE WROTE MEAN
TWEETS THAT KEPT YOU UP AT
NIGHT.
BUT LAST TIME I CHECKED HE ISN’T
ROAMING THE STREETS LIKE THE
MS-13 GANG MEMBERS WHICH UPSET
PELOSI REMEMBER THAT? NONE OF
THOSE PERPS WERE WARNED.
SO AS BUSINESSES CLOSE AND
PEOPLE LEAVE CITIES FOR THE SAME
REASON THEY LEAVE CAT DEPARTMENT
CRIME AND DECAY, THE MEDIA IS
FOCUSED ON REAL BRUTALITY, LIKE
TAX EVASION.
WHICH CFO OF THE TRUMP
ORGANIZATION PLEADED GUILTY FOR
AND EASTERLY THE CHARGE HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS
ASSOCIATION WITH TRUMP BUT THIS
75 YEAR OLD DUDE IS GOING TO
RIKERS ISLAND, THE PRISON, WHILE
ATTEMPTED MURDERERS ROAM FREE.
AND WHY?
BECAUSE OUR MEDIA ONLY CARES
ABOUT STUFF THAT HAS THE SMELL
OF TRUMP ON IT.
INCLUDING MELANIA’S CLOTHES,
APPARENTLY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: KNOCK IT OFF.
LITERALLY, YOU DON’T RATE.
THE NEWS MEDIA KNOWS TRUMP HATE
PACE THE BILLS, NOT STORIES THAT
ACTUALLY AFFECT YOUR LIVES.
BESIDES, ON THE PUNISHMENT
SPECTRUM, IT’S THE THUGS WHO ARE
OPPRESSED AND YOU WHO’S THE OH
PRESSER.
FACT IS UNTIL THESE LEFT WING
LEADERS FEEL THE REAL LIFE
EXPERIENCE OF ACTUAL CRIME
THEY’RE NOT GOING TO CARE.
GOVERNOR ABBOTT SENT MIGRANTS TO
LIBERAL CITIES SO THEY COULD
FEEL THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR
POLICIES.
TIME TO DO THAT WITH THUGGERY?
I’D LOVE TO SENT THE VIOLENT
FELONS TO THE BURBS OF THE JUDGE
AND DAs WHO FREED HIM.
I’LL PAY FOR THE UBER.
OF COURSE I CAN’T DO THIS
BECAUSE IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO
THE JUDGE OR THE SORROWS FUNDED
DA, I WOULD BE AN ACCESSORY.
AND THAT’S MY POINT.
I WOULD BE JUST LIKE THE JUDGES
AND THE DAs.
WHEN EVERY TIME ONE OF THESE
MUTTS THEY LET LOOSE AGAIN HURTS
SOMEBODY ELSE.
THEY’RE ACCESSORIES, TOO.
IT’S A SHAME THEY DON’T GET THE
CREDIT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> PERIOD!
>> Greg: LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
GUESTS.
HIS RAZOR’S SO GREAT WITH HIS
COMEDY BOTH WANT TO MAKE YOU SLASH YOUR WRIST.
SLASH YOUR WRIST.
WEST LIN RAZOR AND COMEDIAN
DAVID ANGELO.
SHE’S MY FAVORITE SHANNON, GOP
CANDIDATE FROM OKLAHOMA PT.W.
SHANNON
>> HER TWO LEAST FAVORITE WORDS
ARE LAST AND CALL.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: AND FINALLY, HE HAS TO
PLAY MONOPOLY WITH REAL HOUSES,
MY MASSIVE SIDE KICK AND THE
NWA’s WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION,
TYRUS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: WELCOME TO THE SHOW
DAVID, IT’S BEEN A WHILE.
>> David: IT HAS BEEN.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME BACK.
>> Greg: MY PLEASURE.
MY PLEASURE.
WASN’T MY CHOICE.
WE ALWAYS DO WHAT WE CAN WHEN
SOMEBODY GOOD DROPS OUT AND WE
NEED TO FIND A REPLACEMENT
NEARBY.
>> David: RIGHT.
>> Greg: AND, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
YOU WORK AT THAT --.
>> David: I LIVE DOWN THE
STREET, COME HERE, NO PROBLEM.
>> Greg: YEAH, EXACTLY.
STAND OUT IN FRONT OF THE
AUDIENCE WAITING IN LINE HOPING
TO GET RECOGNIZED.
>> YEAH, COME ON, GUYS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> Greg: IS CRIME IMPACTING YOUR
RAZOR BUSINESS?
>>.
>> David: NO, THAT’S A GOOD
QUESTION THOUGH GREG BECAUSE WE
ARE AMERICA’S LARGEST AMERICAN
MADE RAZOR, EVERYTHING’S DONE
HERE, BUT FORTUNATELY WE HAVEN’T
BEEN IMPACTED THAT WAY.
I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
THE THING ABOUT CRIME IS, WHY
CAN’T THEY -- IT WOULD BE ONE
THING IF THE RENTS WENT DOWN
WITH IT, BUT THE RENT KEEPS
GOING UP.
YOU KNOW?
CAN WE GET THE -- I MEAN I
WOULDN’T MIND THE CRIME IF I
COULD GET THE RENT LOWERMENT YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> Greg: RIGHT, YOU’LL TAKE THE
RISK.
>> David: YES.
>> Greg: YOU’LL TAKE THE RISK
FOR THE CHEAPER PAYMENT HOWEVER
RENTS GO UP BECAUSE PEOPLE STAY
MORE IN THEIR HOUSE SO THEY’RE
WILLING TO STAY THERE.
>> David: I WAS GOING TO SAY YOU
CAN PUSH ME ON THE SUBWAY TRACK
IF I HAD IN-APARTMENT WASHER AND
DRIER.
>> Greg: DO YOU STILL GO TO THE
LAUNDROMAT?
>> David: NO.
COME ON, THAT’S A JOKE.
>> Greg: YOU’RE A JERK.
YOU KNOW, TW, DO YOU GET THE
IMPRESSION THAT THERE’S NO GOING
BACK IN THE SENSE THAT SOMEHOW
ONCE YOU ACCEPT A CERTAIN LEVEL
OF DEGRADATION, PEOPLE LYING ON
THE STREETS PASSED OUT,
RECIDIVISM OUT OF CONTROL, IT’S
KIND OF LIKE HOW DO YOU GET THE
GENIE BACK IN THE BOTTLE.
>> T.W.: THE FIRST THING YOU
HAVE TO REALIZE THIS IS NOT BY
CIRCUMSTANCE, NOT JUST GROSS
NEGLIGENCE AND INCOMPETENCE THIS
IS A DELIBERATE EFFORT TO
UNDERNINE REPUBLICAN.
THE LIBERAL AGENDA IS CLEAR.
THEY’RE AGAINST POLICE, THEY’RE
AGAINST THE IDEA OF GUNS AND
THEY’RE CERTAINLY AGAINST
SECURING OUR BORDER.
WE NEED TO SECURE OUR BORDER.
WE HAVE WAY TOO MUCH CRIME.
WE HAVE ENOUGH CHINESE FENTANYL
COMING INTO THIS COUNTRY TO KILL
EVERY AMERICAN RECEIVE TIMES.
>> Greg: BUT TW THAT SOUNDS WELL
AND DANDY FOR MAYBE FOX AND
FRIENDS, BUT LIBERALS HAVE KIDS,
LIBERALS GO TO WORK, LIBERALS
GET MUGGED.
BUT THEY’RE NOT MUGGED BY
REALITY YET.
>> T.W.: BUT THEY DON’T LIVE --
REMEMBER, THE DEMOCRAT PARTY
WHAT IT’S BECOME IS THE PARTY OF
RICH LIBERALS AND, YOU KNOW, A
FEW POOR PEOPLE THAT THEY
REQUIRE TO STAY POOR SO THEY CAN
STAY RICH.
THE TRUTH IS THIS PARTY HAS GONE
OFF THE RAILS A LONG TIME AGO
AND THE ONLY WAY WE GET BACK IS
GETTING BACK TO THE THINGS THAT
MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT AND IT’S
REALLY ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION,
ABOUT CAPITALISM AND
CHRISTIANITY THAT’S WHAT MADE
THE COUNTRY GREAT.
>> Greg: I WOULD TAKE MORE COPS.
>> T.W.: I WOULD TAKE MORE COPS,
TOO.
BUT THAT’S CONSTITUTIONAL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: WHAT’S GOING ON TLOEFR
TYRUS.
>> Tyrus: CHILLING GUTFELD.
>> Greg: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Tyrus: OH, MAN, MY BOY THE
MAYOR.
HE’S PLANT BASED BUT THE BROTHER
MIGHT WANT TO GET A STEAK IN
THERE AFTER SEEING THAT.
>> Greg: DID YOU SEE, THE BOARD
WASN’T EVEN NAILED.
>> Tyrus: I REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS
RUNNING I WAS LIKE, OH, MAN, I
CAN GET BEHIND THIS DUDE, I
DON’T CARE WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE
BECAUSE HE’S TOUGH.
>> Greg: YEAH.
>> Tyrus: AND I MIGHT, ONE TIME
OR ANOTHER, MAY BE INVOLVED IN
SIMULATED COMBAT.
WRESTLING, FOR YOU LAY PERSONS. WE WOULD CALL THAT A BLOWN SPOT.
WE WOULD CALL THAT A BLOWN SPOT.
I MEAN, HE HAD ALL THE ACUTROMAN
WHICHES IS SOMETHING ONLY THE A
LEASE KNOW, THE GOOD HELMET, THE
MATCHING OUTFIT, THE FINEST
HAMMER.
UNTIL HE SWUNG THE HAMMER AND
REALIZED THIS IS HEAVY.
[LAUGHTER] SO WHAT HE DID WAS,
HE YELLED CUT AND THEN THE REAL
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS CAME IN AND
SET UP THE WALL FOR HIM SO HE
COULD DO HIS PLANT-BASED SWING
AND KNOCK OVER THE WALL CAUSING
ALL OF US TO GO, "WHAT WAS
THAT?" THAT IS AN EXAMPLE OF
WHAT IS WRONG.
IT’S THE SAME THING WHEN THEY
KEEP CHANGING THE NAME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
CALLING SOMEBODY A WHITE
SUPREMACIST OR A RACIST, WE’RE
GOING TO CALL THEM A 1-RACE
ENTHUSIAST NOW, SO EVERYONE’S
INCLUDED.
BUT THIS IS THE ISSUE.
THEY FOCUS ON THE WRONG THINGS
AND THEY THINK WE DON’T SEE
>> Greg: IT’S SO FUNNY.
>> Tyrus: BUT BROTHER GET A
STEAK, JUST ONE STEAK.
>> Greg: HE’S LIKE GYM TOUGH.
>> Tyrus: OH, HE’S THE GUY WHO
DOES THE CURLS BUT WHEN IT COMES
TO THE FREE WEIGHTS, HE’S GOT TO
GO STRETCH.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Kat: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
>> Greg:.
>> Greg: YO, KAT, ARE YOU
RELIEVED TO KNOW THAT SALESMAN
IS NOW SALESPERSON?
ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP BETTER AT
NIGHT?
>> Kat: YES, MUCH LESS
FRIGHTENING THAN THE POTENTIAL
OF GETTING RAPED.
IT’S CRAZY AND I AGREE WITH YOU,
DAVID ANGELO, THAT IF THE RENT
WASN’T SO BAD, BUT ALSO THE
TAXES WERE SO HIGH.
>> Greg: YES, WHAT ARE YOU
PAYING FOR?
>> Kat: WHAT AM I PAYING FOR?
I’LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
THEY JUST OPENED A PARK BY MY
APARTMENT.
THE CITY OPENED AID PARK.
GUESS HOW MANY TIMES WE WENT
THERE BEFORE WE SAW BUMS TAKING
A DUMP IN THE BUSHES.
FIRST TIME.
AND THERE’S A PUBLIC BATHROOM
RIGHT THERE HE WANTED TO DO
THAT.
>> Greg: YES, EXACTLY
>> Kat: I WOULDN’T MIND, IF I’M
PAYING THIS MUCH I WANT TO LIVE
SOMEWHERE WHERE MORE PEOPLE USE
TOILETS MORE OFTEN.
>> Greg: YES.
NO SANCTUARY FOR PUBLIC POOPING.
WE SHOULD DECLARE A NEIGHBORHOOD
SANCTUARY CITY FOR TOILETS.
IF YOU WANT TO USE A TOILET YOU
CAN CREDIT LIVE IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE
AUDIENCE MIGHT NOT BE FROM HERE
BUT YOU CAN WALK OUTSIDE RIGHT
NOW THERE ARE PEOPLE PASSED OUT
IN FRONT ON SIXTH AVENUE.
THERE IS A GUY, A GUY WHO BURNED
DOWN OUR CHRISTMAS TREE.
REMEMBER THAT?
HE’S OUTSIDE P
>> Kat: YEAH
>> Greg: I HAVE A PICTURE ON MY
PHONE.
I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHERE
HE IS.
BUT THIS IS INSANE.
[BLEEP] ARSONIST.
>> Tyrus: ARSONIST PERSON