So I recently just moved here to Los Angeles from Arizona,
and I moved because I didn't like the way I felt in Arizona,
and then I got here to Los Angeles, and I felt the same way.
And then I was like "oh shit!" (laughs)
It was me all along, so, that's been refreshing.
I do have a plan to fix it though, I'm going to move again.
So, alright, should take care of it.
I moved enough enough times in my life
to where I'm finally starting to realize
that changing external factors to fix the way you feel
inside is a lot like being in a horror movie, y'know?
The phone rings and you're like (gasp)
"The call's coming from inside the house!"
But then I keep going "What if we moved the entire house
"and change nothing else? That'll solve it."
I don't drink, I used to drink but
I had to quit because I was...
Too good at it, okay, come on, don't--
I'm not bragging, y'know, State Breathalyzer Champion
three years in a row, it's not really...
Who's keeping track, y'know? The police actually.
I don't drink, and now whenever I'm going to go on a date
with someone, I try to let them know in advance
that I don't drink and it seems
to just boggle peoples minds, y'know?
They think I can't go where normal people hang out?
They're always like "ehhh, do you want to go to
"Kids 'R' Us, or-- (audience laughs)
some kind of a sword convention?"
And I do. (audience laughs) More often than not though
you usually wind up going on like,
a daytime coffee date which, I don't know
if you guys know, is actually the...
Opposite of a good time. (audience laughs)
It's weird 'cause it's so countered to
the experience of like, having a drink
and loosening up with someone, y'know?
Instead you're just like hyper-sober, y'know?
Just-- just jacked up on caffeine, like
(long nervous laughter)
And what was your sister's major?
That's good stuff. (audience laughs)
Sometimes when I tell people that
I don't drink, I feel like some people
take it as a judgment on the fact that they do drink.
Which it's not at all, y'know? It's just something
I choose not to do. But sometimes to put people at ease,
I'll say "hey, y'know, if it makes you feel any better,
"I'm not happy." (audience laughs)
And that seems to make them feel much better, y'know?
They're like "ugh, as long as you haven't found the secret,
I'm going to keep trying my way!"
I always like to read articles that promise me like,
mind-blowing sex tips, y'know?
They always have some ridiculous title that's like,
"29 Things You Can Do To Make Your Man's Balls Disappear!"
I'm like, "oh shit, y'know? I ain't even got a man,
"but I'm curious. Where do they go?"
Or else the article's like, very clearly written
by some clueless dude, and it's like,
"16 Ways To Make Your Lady's Clit Erupt!"
And you're like, okay? Pretty sure that's not what it does,
but-- (audience laughs) Think that's actually a bad thing.
To their credit though, there is always like,
one valuable tip but it's always hidden at the bottom
of the article in a smaller font on the last page,
like they don't actually want you to find it, y'know?
They're like (whispering) "Hey, hey, psst, c'mon,
"but seriously, like, all people are different
"so just communicate openly with your partner
and see what they're into! (chuckles) Shhh!
"I wasn't here!" Guess it just makes for a little less
exciting of a headline if you lead with with that, it's like
"Fellas, are you ready to fucking communicate?"
Okay, I'll try it. (audience laughs)
I've been thinking about giving polyamory a try lately,
y'know, like having-- (audience member claps)
You don't have to. (audience laughs)
Cause--(audience member laughs)
With the polyamory people, I know you're clapping
for you, and not for me. (audience laughter and clapping)
But I've been thinking about giving polyamory a try lately.
(laughs) Which I'm sure, as some of you know, is
having, y'know, like multiple relationships at once,
which is weird. Because I'm single in the first place.
So, it's really a lot of mental gymnastics
to get there as a single person, y'know?
I have to be like, "well, all my past relationships
"have ended in failure, but maybe there just
"wasn't enough people involved." (audience laughs)
Yeah, I'm not going to work on myself, goodbye! Y'know?
(audience laughs) I'm 33, and I was very promiscuous
when I was a teenager. And also in my 20's,
and earlier in my 30's. And when I was growing up,
my dad was like a real macho man, y'know,
like a real guy's guy, y'know, like a real
piece of shit, y'know? (audience laughs)
And, uh... I think on some level, all of the years
that I was hooking up with all these people,
subconsciously there was this thought like,
"oh, maybe this'll make my dad think I'm a real man,"
y'know? And then at one point, I told my dad how many
people I hooked up with, and I guess I overshot it,
because he went "Jesus! Be careful!" (audience laughs)
And it's like, a thank you would be nice, y'know?
I did this for you! So... you little pussy.
(audience laughs) I used to go on a lot of road trips
with my family when I was growing up,
and I don't know if there were way less
rest areas and gas stations when I was growing up or what,
but I do remember very clearly that anytime my mom needed to
use the restroom, it was like an immediate emergency,
y'know? It was never like "hey, next stop, thanks,
"I'd appreciate it." It was always like,
(deep voice) "Pull over." (grunting) (audience laughs)
And my dad would get freaked out and slam on
the brakes, y'know? Our car screeches to a halt on the side
of the road, it's shaking as semis are racing by.
Everyone's crying, y'know? (audience laughs)
And then my mom just throws open the passenger door
and rolls out onto the freeway. (audience laughs)
And for some reason it's so urgent
that she can't even like, hold it and, y'know,
waddle 15 feet away, or find privacy
over a hill, or behind a bush, or something?
Instead she just rips the rear passenger door open
and then squats down between the two doors like a stall.
Y'know? So she's creating privacy from someone, I guess.
But at the expense of her whole family, y'know?
I guess in her head she's like "ooh, god forbid
"some guy driving by at 85 miles an hour
"see an unidentifiable woman's ass
"for a quarter of a second. Just to be safe,
"let me go ahead and traumatize everyone I live with!"
And if that wasn't bad enough, which it was.
She would always take this opportunity to
look back, make direct eye contact,
I'm like 15, I have siblings, I don't--
She didn't have to choose any of us,
much less me, but she would always find me,
lock eyes, and go (whispering) "And don't look!"
(audience laughing) It's like--
Don't fucking flatter yourself, lady. (laughs)
You're not my type! I'm a cousin man. Anyway,
I'm Chris Thayer, thank you very much, have a nice night.