- And now there's Nazi's again.
When I was a kid, Nazi's was just an analogy
you would use to decimate your child
during an argument at the dinner table.
(audience laughing)
There's new Nazi's.
I don't care for these new Nazi's
and you may quote me on that.
(audience laughing)
These new Nazi's, oh Jews are the worst,
and Jews ruin everything, and Jews
try to take over your life.
It's like, "You know what, motherfucker?
My wife is Jewish.
I know all that. (audience cheering)
How do you know all that?"
(audience laughing)
I'm allowed to make fun of my wife.
I asked her, and she said yes.
(audience laughing)
I've been married for about three and a half years now,
and I was going out on tour,
(audience cheer) and, oh thank you very much,
and I love and respect my wife very much.
So I said to her, "Hey, we've been married
for three and a half years."
And she knew that.
I said, "Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage?"
And my wife said, she goes,
"Yeah, you can make fun of me,
you can make fun of me,
but just don't say that I'm a bitch
and that you don't like me."
I was like, "Whoa, the bar is so much lower
than I ever imagined, that's it?"
(audience laughing)
Also, I wouldn't say that, what kind
of show would that even be?
Hello, my wife is a bitch!
(audience laughing)
And I don't like her!
That's like a support group for men in crisis,
with keynote speakers Jon Voight and Alec Baldwin.
(audience laughing)
Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke,
that my wife is a bitch and I don't like her.
That is not true.
My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.
(audience cheering)
She is a dynamite five foot Jewish bitch and she's the best.
She and I have totally different styles.
When my wife walks down the street,
she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her
in any situation, she's my hero.
When I walk down the street,
I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.
(audience laughing) It's exhausting.
My wife said that walking around with me
is like walking around with someone
who's running for mayor of nothing.
(audience laughing)
My wife and I went to Best Buy to get a TV.
We didn't end up getting the TV.
I was afraid that the Best Buy guy
was gonna be mad at me,
so I bought an HDMI cable.
And I go up to the register with Anna,
my wife's name's Anna, she's standing next to me.
I hand the guy the HDMI cable.
He takes it, he scans it, and he says,
"Do you have a Best Buy rewards card?"
And I said, "No, I wish."
(audience laughing)
And then my wife said, "Jesus Christ,"
and fully walked away from me.
Walked all the way over to the laser printers
and just stood there, Blair Witch style.
(audience laughing)
And I'm still up at the register like...
And the guy goes,
"Do you want a Best Buy rewards card?"
And I said, "No."
Even though I had just said it was my greatest wish in life.
I was hoping he'd believe me,
that it was secretly my great wish,
but that I'm in an abusive marriage
with little miss Jesus Christ over here,
so I can't ask for the things I want in public,
but at home, at night, we argue about it.
And I'm like, "You'll see.
One day I'm gonna leave you,
and I'm gonna get that Best Buy rewards card."
She's like, "Jesus Christ.
(audience laughing)
You're never gonna get that Best Buy rewards card!"
My wife is Jewish, as I said.
I was raised Catholic.
We have differences in our religious upbringings,
and we realized this recently.
Not with our kids, 'cause we don't have any kids.
People always ask us, "Are you gonna have kids?"
And we say, "No."
And then they go, "Never?
You're never gonna have kids?"
Look, I don't know never.
14 years ago I smoked cocaine
the night before my college graduation.
Now I'm afraid to get a flu shot.
People change.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)