[Achievement Hunter Theme]
[Rage Quit Theme]
Well, here we are. It's 2014, and it's time for another yearly round of the impossible game.
We're down to the final level, level 4 - Phazd
So let's just, uh, go ahead and play this, then I'll never have to play this game again.
DO NOT FUCKING MAKE ANY MORE LEVELS.
Not much has changed here - God damn it.
I'm gonna go, and then okay there you go
Alright, you fucking Christ
go over that, then no, fuck me!
You can't even hit the fucking square?!
FUCKING ANUS!
over, over, jump, fall, jump, fall, jump, fall, jump, jump, fall, jump, jump, fall, fall, fall!
Jump, OH! Holy shit, I made it through that?! That's fucking incredible!
So this has gotta be some kinda record for me. This is the farthest I've ever ma-
Oh, never mind.
You know if I ever- Ah, fuck you BioHRay, you son of a bitch!
Dammit! He's the new K Hype.
[Groaning Sounds] Ah, shit, shit, shit, shit, shiiiiiiit. We got it. Okay.
Then through- Seriously?
Jump through the fucking hole, dude!
You can fit, okay?! I'm sure! They lined it up before the game came out!
They knew! They were like "Yup! This square can fit through that fucking square!"
So fucking slim down, and fit your fucking ass through there Pooh Bear!!
FUCK!
Y-You fucking jump? You jump to die!
STOP FUCKING JUMPING TO YOUR DEATH!
This is my life. This game can summarize my fucking life for the last three years.
I started playing this in 2011. It's 2014 and I'm still FUCKING DOING IT!
You just -you fucking disappoint me. At every possible turn.
FUCKING ASSHOLE!
I don't know how to get through those. Right? I don't know where the fucking jump is.
It's SOMEWHERE on the God damned thing. I don't know where it is!
Sometimes I make it, and then, y'know what? Most times I don't!
Just, why? Okay
I don't know why he double jumped, and I thought I was gonna die, and then he didn't die, but then I died cuz I wasn't ready to go.
Keep going because I thought I was gonna die from the double jump.
So I- then I fucking WHAT?
Am I too early, am I too late? I don't fucking know.
Right, because I just hit the fucking hole and I explode into a bunch of little fucking bits,
and the bits don't tell me shit! They tell me that you're fucking dead!
He just- he just can't get through. He can't get through. He doesn't wanna get through.
Nobody w- nobody wants anything. Fuck you.
I can't take this. My heart can't take this shit.
I can't-- I WAS GETTING FAR! I GOT FARTHER ON MY FIRST FUCKING ATTEMPT!
I cannot get through the stupid fucking hole now!
Are you fucking serious?!
I started out, and I was just jumping. And I kept fucking dying, so now I'm trying to time it.
Like maybe I should start jumping at a certain point on the block to get through the hole
But then I can't fucking do it at all!
I was better off just fucking jumping it all willy-nilly- LIKE THAT!
I wasn't even paying attention. What the fuck!!
Alright, fuck it. AWWWW, COME ON!
If I pay attention and I try to jump through at the right time I just eat shit 900 times in a row.
But if I don't care, and I just say "Hey game, I don't care if I die or not."
Then the game's like "Fine, you can go through, but the second you care, you're fucking dead!"
It's like the Sorcerer's Stone! You can only fucking find it if you want it, and you, but you're not gonna use it!
Because if you're gonna use it, then you're not gonna fucking find it!
MOTHER FUCKER!
You are fucking kidding me. You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
I just fucking figured out why these things kept killing me.
Cuz I was HOLDING THE FUCKING A BUTTON
AS I WAS JUMPING THROUGH THEM!
IF YOU TAP THEM, YOU DON'T FUCKING DIE!
[Groaning] Just fucking- just put a knife in my brain.
Just fucking jam it in there
and twist it around, like fucking spaghetti!
Fucking spool it all up and then pull it out!
Doesn't matter where the fuck you jump. The beginning of a block, the end of the block.
The fucking block's rectum. It do- doesn't matter!
You'd fucking jump right through if you weren't holding the fucking A button down like an idiot!
OOH, this is the farthest I've gotten! Holy fucking shit!
Oh, I'm finally fucking doing something?
Holy fucking hell!
Ah, great! And then I bash my fucking skull in.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
Ah, FUCK! GOD DAMN IT!!
Star Date 9534B-7. Still playing the Impossible Game.
We're up to level pack 4. Never actually completed any level pack.
But I figure- y'know, if you fail a couple hundred times at one, that's about as good as you're gonna get,
so you just fuck it and move on to the next one.
If I can beat one, right? If I can beat- AH, FUCK!
How the fu- Aw, I gotta jump on top of it? FUCK!
One level. That's all I wanted.
There's four. There's four whole levels to choose from. I just want to beat one!
It's like 15% of the game. NO! Less!
AH, fu- I did it again. I did it again.
So when I get to the end, I'm gonna fuck it up!
But in case I don't, I gotta jump on top of that block.
Okay, here it comes! Jump on the block, then get over there.
And then... JUMP ON THE BLOCK!
OH! OH GOD! OH GOD, I MADE IT! I MADE IT!
OH SHIT! Okay, this is the farthest I've made it. Aw, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die!
Oh, you gonna kill me? Holy shit! Ooh God.
Oh my God! OH! WHAT?
NO! YOU FUCKING FUCK!
I was right there. I don't know where 'there' was, but I was- I was there!
Wherever "there" was, I was in it!
I was so far inside of it, that I claimed residency there!
In that place!
Where I fucking was! At the end!!
I wish this thing had teeth; this little block. Just so I could fucking kick em' in.
When he pisses me off. Cuz I'd kick his square teeth right the fuck in.
Alright, so at the OH, NOPE. Never mind.
Never mind. I was gonna say at the end I had to fall off, but I decided to jump.
Just fucking jump to my death.
Just jumping. New death jumping.
I never wanna be good at this.
[Mocking] "I beat it in zero attempts"
Fuck, you're a loser!
Fuck you! Why? Why would, why? Why would you wanna do that?
Who gives a shit?
[Mocking] "Michael, I beat Impossible Game, and just- I beat Impossible Game. Here's a video of me beating -"
No, I don't fucking care! Why are you telling me?!
I didn't make the God damned game! I don't give a fuck!
You shouldn't give a fuck, either!!
Oh God! OH shit! Okay
Fall. No, DON'T JUMP!
FUCKING IDIOT!
[Whining] Why did you jump?
[More whining] Why did you fucking jump??
I need to go up the stupid thing. Not jump the fuck off.
Fall down this fucking stupid thing, and then jump up then next thing.
And fall at the last second.
AHH FUCK!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
What the fuck is wrong with you? What's wrong with your fucking little square brain?
Is his brain square? Is there another little square inside there?
Or is it just some stupid fucking shape, like a fucking oval or something?
Okay, get ready to fall, get ready to fall.
FALL.
And then JUMP JUMP! Oh my God!
Okay, what am I doing now? I'm... Fucking doing that.
I'm doing that. Why. Why- why would I bother?
Why do I- Why am I still playing this?
Every couple hundred attempts I get fucking two blocks further!!
Who knows where I'll be at 2,000?!
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump GO!
Oh?- AH! OH MY GOD! WHAT?!
Why- WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!
THERE WAS A FUCKING HOLE IN THE GROUND?
GOD DAMN IT!!!!!
FF- [Crazed laughter]
[Maniacal laughter] [ Chocking sound]
[Achievement Hunter End Card Theme]
[Game Music]
[Achievement Sound]
Oh, sweet. I beat it.