There's nothing quite as unsatisfying as a bad comedy.
An awful horror flick might provide some unexpected laughs, and an atrocious action film might
have a few impressive stunts.
But watching someone who's supposed to be funny and failing in every possible way is
just downright painful.
From pathetic sequels to ill-advised passion projects, here are some of the cringeworthy
comedies that bombed with a zero rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
True Memoirs of an International Assassin
If you visit Kevin James' page on Rotten Tomatoes, you'll see a lot of green splotches.
But if you're looking for the ultimate Kevin James calamity, then head over to Netflix
and check out True Memoirs of an International Assassin, the worst-reviewed film of the comedian's
career.
This 2016 film follows James as a schlubby writer who pens a bestselling novel about
an international assassin.
Unfortunately, his publisher is marketing the book as nonfiction, so everybody thinks
James is a real-life assassin.
As a result, he's kidnapped and taken to Venezuela, where he finds himself in the middle of a
deadly game involving South American revolutionaries and a Russian gangster.
"I punched you.
You punch like a small child.
It hurt you.
It tickled."
Honestly, it's not a bad premise, but the execution is completely lackluster.
The A.V.
Club described the film as "a poor man's Edgar Wright movie," while RogerEbert.com noted
that it keeps using the same gags over and over.
"Never bring a knife AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
You brought a knife to a gunfight!"
All Nighter
The 2017 film All Nighter finds J.K. Simmons playing an ultra-manly dad whose daughter
has disappeared, so he teams up with her ex-boyfriend, a banjo-loving hippie played by Emile Hirsch.
As they look for her, they encounter a whole host of bizarre characters while Simmons teaches
Hirsch how to be a real "man."
Aside from its very specific views on manhood, critics agreed the movie suffers from some
shoddy directing and a weak script.
"A man should know how to drive.
I have a bicycle.
Well, congrats on that.
It's actually considered very masculine in the Netherlands"
As Derek Smith of Slant Magazine put it, All Nighter jumps back and forth from "mystery"
to "mismatched-buddy movie" to "inspirational redemptive drama," and sadly, it can't stick
any of its landings.
Still, Simmons does his best to get audiences laughing, because slump or no slump, the man
is always a pro.
The Con Is On
The Con Is On boasts a pretty incredible cast led by Uma Thurman, Tim Roth, Alice Eve and
Sofia Vergara.
The plot revolves around Thurman as a con artist who owes money to a dangerous kingpin,
so she decides to steal a priceless jewel from her alcoholic husband's ex-wife.
But it just can't compare to better heist films, as it relies on "edgy" humor that really
isn't all that edgy.
"You haven't ---- me."
That impressive cast actually weighs the movie down, as the characters are just loud, eccentric,
and lacking any real human elements.
So while it's always nice to see Uma Thurman in action, it's hard not to wish this particular
film wasn't trying to con audiences into wasting an hour and 30 minutes of their time watching
it.
Surfer, Dude
2008's Surfer, Dude was a bit of a passion project for Matthew McConaughey, as it combined
catching waves, smoking weed, and walking around without a shirt on.
The plot, very predictably, involves a stoned surfer who just wants to enjoy the ocean.
"Not feeling it.
. Not into it.
I just wanna surf.
Beat the stove day to day."
Unfortunately, Mother Nature and the Man are getting in the way, so McConaughey fights
back with the power of pot.
And as this movie co-stars Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson, there's a whole lot of
ganja going on.
Sadly, it was a complete wipeout with the critics, but fortunately, The Lincoln Lawyer
came along in 2011 and saved McConaughey's career, leaving Surfer, Dude adrift in the
sea of bad Hollywood comedies.
Look Who's Talking Now
John Travolta's career has seen some incredible highs and some embarrassing lows, but he arguably
hit rock bottom with Look Who's Talking Now, the final installment in the Look Who's Talking
trilogy.
The series got started in 1989, with Travolta playing a cab driver who falls in love with
a single mom played by Kirstie Alley, who has a talking baby that sounds like Bruce
Willis.
In the sequel, Alley and Travolta have a daughter who sounds like Roseanne Barr.
In part three, we meet two bickering dogs voiced by Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton, who
eventually fall in love.
Multiple critics slammed the movie as a ripoff of Lady and the Tramp.
But instead of of romantic spaghetti dinners, Look Who's Talking Now is loaded with lousy
quips, poop jokes, and lines that feel a little out of place in a kid's film.
"It's Daphneeee, you tick magnet.
Tick magnet?
Like you've never sniffed a butt."
The movie also desperately tries to pad out its running time with jaw-droppingly bad fantasy
sequences, one of which features a pointless Charles Barkley cameo.
"Can I play?
With me?
Let's get busy."
Homer and Eddie
Starring James Belushi and Whoopi Goldberg, 1989's Homer and Eddie has largely been forgotten
by comedy fans, and that's probably because it just isn't funny.
Sure, it tries to be, but it also wants to be a heavy-handed drama.
And while that convergence of tears and laughter might work for some films, here it results
in disaster.
The movie follows a mentally challenged man named Homer who wants to visit his long-lost
parents, so he decides to hitchhike his way to Oregon.
Along the way, he gets picked up by Eddie, a murderous maniac who's dying of cancer and
just escaped from a mental ward.
Naturally, the two form a friendship, learn about life, and give Oscar-bait performances
that involve a lot of screaming, squealing, and super sappy discussions.
"And you want me - and you want me to brush my teeth?
You want to brush your teeth now?"
In between the conversations about God and the gags involving an overweight prostitute,
Belushi and Goldberg's eccentricities keep piling up until you can't help but lose your
mind.