- [Red Shirt] Thank yous for meeting me here.
- Of course, you know.
Just glad we could set aside our differences and you know,
avoid war here, you know.
- Salud.
- All right. Salud.
(glasses clink)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Andy!
[ Peele] Naw, don't do that.
We're trying to avoid a war here.
No, Andy.
No!
That's too much.
What are you doin''''?
We're just having a nice little dinner here.
Well that's just disrespectful.
Oh, no, no. Not his hair, Andy.
He had good hair.
Yeah, you're done.
You already messed him-
[Key] (grumbles)
[Peele] What's goin, what are you doing now?
His phone, no!
No, no, don't go deleting his contacts.
He's not gonna know whether to answer it or not!
You finished now?
That's good. Look what ya did.
Now we were in the middle of something.
And now, what are we,
what's going on here?
What are you doing?
Oh, that's permanent.
That's a permanent silly mustache.
Aw, now he looks like a sleeping musketeer.
That's adorable, but it's ridiculous.
He can hardly wash that off.
That's, well that's ... What are you doing?
What is that?
Not with the, what are you doing?
Why you putting it in his hand?
That doesn't even make sense there.
That doesn't even make sense.
Oh! Oh, Andy.
Oh, that's hilarious,
but save that for a slumber party.
All right, what are you,
Now your rearranging the silverware.
That's just so mean. It's confusing.
It's confusing enough well with the,
Andy, no don't ... oh, well, you know,
the salad needed a little pepper so that's good.
That's not so bad.
You finally did something constructive.
What are you lookin''' for?
What are you ... You're putting the silverware back.
That's good!
Well, that's good. Now he knows
he can go from outside to inside and that's,
Oh! You're putting a zhuzh in his hair.
That's good, yeah! Zhuzh it!
Oh, not with-
It actually looks better than when he came in.
If he wasn't unconscious, he could go out on the town.
So that's good.
Oh, look. Yeah, yeah.
All right, wipe off his face.
Yeah, and get the mustache while you're at it.
Cause that's the most embarrassing part.
Oh, he doesn't look ridiculous anymore.
Oh, okay! That's, that's,
now you're helping everybody.
That's good for everybody.
Everybody likes that.
Nobody likes lettuce on the floor.
- Spic and (bleep) span.
- [Peele] All right, we done?
All right, you really turned this around, Andy.
There he's all right, and then you're gone.
And all right.
All right he won't even know what hit him.
He won't even know that any,
Oh no.
No, no, no, no Andy.
Andy I can see it in your eyes.
I can see it in your eyes,
you're going the other way now, Andy.
Andy it was going so well.
Well that's, that's, That's perverse Andy.
I don't even know what, What's that? What's that?
What you gonna do with that finger?
What you gonna, Oh!
Yeah, no, not a wet willy!
No, no, Andy.
Oh we're going to war, Andy.
We're going to war.
- [Key] I'm tellin' ya, Vinny,
no disrespect to your dearly departed grandmother,
but my aunt makes a pasta,
forget about it.
- Your aunt lives in this neighborhood?
Seems kinda dangerous.
- What are you, McGruff the Crime Dog?
Come on, we're late already.
- Yeah, you say she lives in this house here?
- The (bleep) is the matter with you, Vinny?
You're being rude. Let's go.
- [Peele] Not tryin to be rude, it's, the lights are off.
Maybe we, let's come back later.
- [Key] She's probably just taking a nap after
the huge meal she just made for us. Go in.
- I don't have the key. You should go in first.
- Oh, marone, she said she'd leave it open.
Vinny stop being such a strunz and get in there.
- [Peele] All right, all right.
(dramatic Italian opera music starts playing)
(music gains intensity)
(music slows down and sounds sad)
- Surprise.
(dramatic music playing)
(Italian opera, La Traviata starts playing)
(opera music stops and daunting music starts)
- [Peele] Eight kilos, 100% pure grade Afghani heroin.
(sniffs)
- 100,000 US Dollars.
- [Peele] Hold up.
We should count it first.
- Mm-hmm
- Be my guest.
- You know we gonna do a straight count on this right now.
- Count it, count it.
- Yeah.
- That's a good idea. We should probably do it fast,
so we don't make our friends here wait.
- [Key] Okay.
20,
40,
60,
80,
100.
20,
40,
60,
80,
200.
- You know what, I'm fast. Let me just do it.
- Okay.
- Yeah ill take care of that.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.
1, 2, 3, 4. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.
- Why you doing piles of nine?
- It's faster than tens.
- Oh really?
- I do my nines, ten times,
and then I do an extra pile of ten.
- Fast. Okay.
- You know, we should probably both be counting.
- [Peele] Oh, well two at this, double trouble.
All right.
- (Key and Peele count concurrently in different intervals)
- Okay, I'm sorry. Can you please, can you do something?
Like go over there please?
- Yup.
- Little distracting.
- Oh you know what?
- What's that?
- I got it. We could time me.
Okay, time me counting out a thousand,
then we take that time and then, we just
count money for that time,
times 100,
- (speaks Spanish)
- [Key] No, I got it! This is it right here.
I'm gonna do a web search
for a picture of $100,000, okay.
Then, we'll know what it's supposed to look like,
and then we can arrange our money to look exactly like it.
And see! Hey, here we go.
Right here, look.
I mean, damn! That look just like, a lot like our money.
And I think we got $100.000 here folks.
I think we made it.
- You know what, that is our money.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry Dawg.
Earlier, when we were counting,
I took a picture of our money so I could
upload it on Yahoo Answers.
- Oh, damn.
- That's right. Cause I just wanted to see
if anyone could verify what $100,000 looked like.
- (bleep) What was I thinkin? I got it man!
- Go, go-
- I got it.
- [Peele] What the hell you doin'' man?
- You know, I was gonna try to Rain Man it.
- Well that's a plan right there.
- That's right. Okay yeah, here we go.
- Okay.
- Yup, yup. I got that, I got that.
20, 40, 60,
60, 80, 100,
999,980.
(gunshots fired)
(speaks Spanish)
oy.
- [Guy In chair] Please. No, no, no!
(gunshot)
- [Key] (laughs)
- What's the joke?
- What?
- I don't get it.
- Man, you shot that damn fool.
(laughs)
- Oh. Yeah, no. I still don't get it.
- Hey man, ain't nothing to get.
That (bleep) is just funny man.
Dude can't snitch now (laughs)
- [Peele] (laughs)
- Man, don't fake laugh.
- Huh?
- That's not real. I could tell.
- No, I think it's really funny.
- No you don't.
Look at him. Sittin' there all dead. (laughs)
- (joins in laughing)
He was 20 and now he's dead.
He ain't never gonna have a wife or kids, now!
- Yeah what are you doin''?
Wife and kids? That (bleep) ain't funny.
- (laughs) His mom and dad aint never gonna see him again.
- No, no.
You running it for me.
- Okay, well, I guess I just don't get it then.
- It's just that you shot him.
That's all, that's the whole thing.
- Oh, okay. So,
(gun shot)
- Oh!
The hell is wrong with you?
You don't shoot a dude that's already dead!
That's not funny!
- Oh. (gun shot)
- [Key] Oh, ow!
- (laughs)
- [Key] (moans in pain)
- Yeah, I guess I just don't get it.
- [Peele] Here!
- (bleep)
- What are you doing? C'mon.
- I'm comin'!
Stay where you are.
- What are you doin'''?
Stop! Thank you.
You're not unlocking it!
- We're doing it at the same time is the problem.
- Unlock the door!
- No, now!
(bleep) Stop touching it while I do the locks!
- What do you want me to do?
- Just do it now.
Unbelievable!
- Kidding me!
- Stop it and reset. Put it down.
- [Peele] I'm just holding it.
- Take your hand off the thing.
- It is on the thing.
- I gotta reset the thing!
Look at this. Nothing happens if you're holding it up.
Everybody knows not to do that.
It's not (indistinct) in the middle.
Gotta hold it down in the middle now
Stop!
- What?
- Take your hand away from the door completely.
Thank you.
- Aw, Christ! You are gonna get-
What happened? What happened though?
What happened? I don't know what happened.
(upbeat funky music)