WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS FRIDAY,
NOTHING LIKE FRIDAY.
AND WITH THE HOLIDAYS AROUND THE CORNER, IT'S BEEN A BUSY
WEEK FOR THE UN-JOLLY MAN IN THE BIG RED HAT. I'LL TELL YOU ALL
ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S LATEST INSTALLMENT OF "DON AND THE
GIANT IMPEACH."
>> LET'S GET SOME HELP FROM UKRAINE.
>> Stephen: SPEAKER PELOSI HAS DIRECTED CONGRESS TO START
WRITING UP ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT.
SO ANYONE INVOLVED IN TRUMP'S QUID-PRO-QUO SCHEME WITH UKRAINE
SHOULD BE JUST BE LAYING LOW AND AVOIDING THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.
SO, NATURALLY, RUDY GIULIANI IS IN UKRAINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT-- THAT RIGHT THERE-- THAT RIGHT THERE!
>> Jon: SMART THINKING.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SOME SAVVY LAWYERING.
"YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT.
WHERE IS HE NOW?
WELL, HE'S DANCING AROUND THE CHALK BODY OUTLINE SINGING A
LITTLE SONG ABOUT BEING THE WORLD'S HAPPIEST STABBER."
RUDIY'S-- ( LAUGHTER )
RUDY'S EUROPEAN TOUR HAS A MISSION: HE'S IN BUDAPEST AND
KIEV THIS WEEK TO TALK WITH FORMER UKRAINIAN PROSECUTORS TO
DEBUNK THE IMPEACHMENT CASE.
RUDY'S BASICALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT STUDYING ABROAD, EXCEPT
SOMEHOW WITH MORE BINGE DRINKING.
BUT RUDY'S BEING VERY COY ABOUT WHAT HE'S UP TO.
IN AN INTERVIEW YESTERDAY, HE WOULDN'T EVEN CONFIRM THAT HE
WAS IN UKRAINE.
BUT THEN HIS BRAIN HAD TO GO AND RUDY THINGS UP.
>> WHAT'S THE UKRAINE TRIP ALL ABOUT?
>> WELL, I CAN'T REALLY DESCRIBE IT.
I CAN'T EVEN CONFIRM IT.
>> ARE YOU IN UKRAINE ALSO GATHERING, YOU KNOW, EVIDENCE TO
SUPPORT YOUR OWN DEFENSE?
>> I AM NOT HERE TO-- I DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD SAVE!
GOOD SAVE, RUDY!
OH, I CAN'T-- I CAN'T WAIT FOR TO YOU DEFEND TRUMP AT THE
SENATE TRIAL.
( AS JUDGE ) "MR. GIULIANI, WHEN DID YOUR THE
PRESIDENT COMMIT BRIBERY?" ( AS RUDY )
"IT WAS ON FRI...ED EGGS FRIED EGGS!
HIS FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD TO EAT WHEN NOT BEING GUILTY, WHICH
IS ALWAYS?
BUT RUDY'S NOT THE ONLY ONE BLOWING RUDY'S COVER.
THERE'S ALSO UKRAINIAN LAWMAKER AND DIVORCED DAD WHO'S JUST
GETTING INTO STANDUP, ANDREY DERKOTCH.
YESTERDAY, DERKOTCH WROTE THIS FACEBOOK POST ABOUT RUDY'S
SECRET TRIP.
"RUDOLPH GIULIANI FLEW TO KIEV.
WE IMMEDIATELY MET WITH HIM."
NOTHING RUDY DOES STAYS A SECRET.
IF HE WERE A NINJA, HE WOULD JUST STAND OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR
GOING, "OPEN UP!
RUDY THE NINJA HERE TO STEALTHILY KILL YOU!
OW!
I DROPPED MY THROWING STAR!
OH BOY, IT WAS POISONED."
( LAUGHTER ) AND, OF COURSE, DERKOTCH
INCLUDED THIS SWEET PIC OF HIM AND RUDY PROUDLY DISPLAYING A
PIECE OF PAPER.
( AS DERKACH ) "HERE I AM HOLDING SIGNED
CONTRACT PROMISING TO NEVER POST ABOUT THIS MEETING ON SOCIAL
MEDIA."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY?
WE GET PHOTO?
THANK YOU, RUDY."
( APPLAUSE ) AND, HEY, CHECK OUT THE PHONE IN
RUDY'S POCKET.
YOU THOUGHT HIS BUTT DIALS WERE BAD.
YOU SHOULD READ HIS NIPPLE TWEETS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOULD READ HIS NIPPLE
TWEETS.
PING, PING.
PING-PONG.
WE TALK SO MUCH ABOUT TRUMP BEING A BAD PRESIDENT, BUT IT'S
IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER HE'S ALSO A BAD BOSS.
BECAUSE A NEW "WASHINGTON POST" ARTICLE GIVES US MORE DETAILS ON
HOW TRUMP'S GOLF CLUB IN BEDMINSTER EMPLOYED
UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS.
THAT'S RIGHT, TRUMP GETS IMMIGRANTS TO DO THE JOBS
AMERICANS DON'T WANT TO DO, LIKE GARDENER OR FIRST LADY.
FOR YEARS-- FOR YEARS-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUILD THE WALL.
BUILD THE...
FOR YEARS, THESE UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS SERVED TRUMP'S MEALS,
CLEANED HIS HOMES, AND IRONED HIS BOXER SHORTS.
THAT'S RIGHT: BOXERS.
THE ONLY TIGHTY-WHITIE IN TRUMP'S WHITE HOUSE IS MIKE
PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT-- THANK YOU.
MIKE PENCE FANS!
BUT THEIR MOST IMPORTANT JOB OF ALL?
SETTING OUT TRUMP'S MAKEUP, WHICH MEANS EVERY MORNING, THOSE
WORKERS HAD TO ROLL IN A WHEELBARROW AND A TROWEL.
( LAUGHTER ) 5
IN FACT, TRUMP USED SO MUCH BRONZER THAT HOUSEKEEPERS HAD TO
REGULARLY BRING NEW SHIRTS FROM THE PRO SHOP BECAUSE OF THE
RUST-COLORED STAINS ON THE COLLARS.
AND THOSE WERE JUST HIS SHIRTS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS SHEETS?
IT'S LIKE THE SHROUD OF TURIN EVERY MORNING.
IT'S A MIRACLE!
( APPLAUSE ) AND-- SHROUD.
TRUMP WAS WEIRDLY SPECIFIC WITH SOME OF HIS DEMANDS WITH THE
HELP.
FOR EXAMPLE, HE WANTED IN HIS BEDROOM BUREAU, AT ALL TIMES,
TWO FULL CONTAINERS OF WHITE TIC TACS AND ONE CONTAINER THAT
WAS HALF FULL-- OR AS HE CALLED IT:
( AS TRUMP ) "I WANT TWO BOXES OF TIC TACS
AND ONE BOX OF JUST TIC."
"CUT THE TACES."
WELL, NOW SOME OF THOSE WORKERS HAVE GONE FROM SERVING THE TEA
TO SPILLING IT.
THEY TOLD A STORY ABOUT MELANIA'S FATHER, VICTOR KNAUS,
WHO ONE DAY WENT TO PLAY GOLF IN ONE OF TRUMP'S DISCARDED RED
HATS.
THEY SAY THAT WHEN TRUMP SPOTTED HIM ON THE FAIRWAY, HE BLEW UP,
AND ORDERED HIS FATHER-IN-LAW, IN FRONT OF OTHER GOLFERS, TO
REMOVE THE HAT AND GET OFF THE COURSE, BECAUSE "NOBODY COULD
WEAR THE RED HAT BUT TRUMP."
HE'S LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL MEAN GIRL.
"OH, MY GOD, MEGAN.
ARE YOU WEARING REAL RED CAPS FOR REAL?
THAT'S, LIKE, MY THING.
STOP BITING MY STYLE.
AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WEARING A SUIT THREE SIZES TOO
BIG WITH A RED TIE DOWN TO YOUR CROTCH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "YOUR CROTCH."