Hey this is Clayton.
In this video, I'm going to talk about when to break up with someone.
Now a caveat no one can tell you when to break up with somebody.
This is such an internal and subjective experience that you've got to be the one who ultimately
makes the final call because no one has the answer for you.
But you however what I will give you is a couple questions that you can ask yourself
that will help reveal and uncover your truth so you can move along in the process and get
out of this place of questioning and wondering, whether or not you should stay or whether
you should leave.
Sometimes when you're in a relationship, it can be easy to know when to leave a relationship
because something the person is doing is in direct violation of a value that you hold
near and dear; Maybe there's physical abuse, maybe there's infidelity, maybe there's some
type of addiction or something that they're doing that you just are not going to live
with and it's cut and dry.
But there's other times when you're in a relationship we're just not sure if you love the person.
You're not sure if the fights are worth it.
You're not sure whether or not this person is the one so how can you get closer to the
truth of understanding whether or not you want to stay, or whether you want to leave.
So the first question that I have for you that you can ask yourself to begin to unwrap
this and find out whether or not you should go or whether you should stay is one that
was inspired by a friend of mine who had recently got out of a 10-year relationship.
Now after the relationship, she had felt a mix of emotions.
Everything from extreme loss and regret to profound freedom and just knowing that it
was right decision.
When I asked her, how did you get to this conclusion that it was the right decision
and finally pull the trigger to break up?
She said a number of different things but one question she asked herself in particular
I want to share with you.
The question was this, “if this relationship had only lasted say six months to a year and
I've been in it and it had this exact same dynamic would I stay in it?”
Okay so with the last six months to a year of the relationship if that's how long we've
actually been together and spend this dynamic will I stay in it now?”
What that question does… the power that question is it allows you to really look at
what you need presently.
What they need presently.
What the dynamic of you're currently living in to and recently have been living in to
without muddying up all of the investment of time and energy that got you to this place.
There is a term in poker called “Pot Heavy” where someone's got a bad hand and rather
than fold and exit the game they stay in it and they keep anting in because they've already
put so much money in the pot.
They don't want to cut their losses and back away.
So what this question does is it allows you to avoid that and to take a realistic inventory
of where you're at in the relationship and what the last couple months or last year is
actually looked like.
The next question is one that I use with clients in the past and I've also used with myself
to determine whether or not I should be in something or whether I should move on and
the question is this, “If you woke up tomorrow morning and let's pretend that you were now
single, and he didn't have to go through the break-up, you didn't have to go through hurting
the person, who didn't have to go through all of the mess and emotion that comes with
breaking up with them, would you actively pursue getting back together with him?
Would you actively pursue dating that person again and starting over?”
Now what this does is it helps you get to the core of what is stopping you from breaking
up.
Is it because you love the person and you truly see potential and belief and your faith
in the relationship?
Or is it because you're not breaking up with him because you're trying to avoid the pain
you're trying to avoid the inevitable conflict and just emotions that come with a breakup?
So that question should help you get a little more clarity as to why you're staying in it
and really what matters.
So those are the two questions that you can ask yourself and again you don't know one
actually has the truth for you about whether or not you should leave or whether you should
go.
This is completely up to you and if I can give you a little bit of insight into trusting
yourself more one of my friends and fellow coach up in Boulder, Colorado when I was talking
with him and explore this topic of one to break up with somebody he said something that
I thought was really profound he said, “Knowing when to end a relationship is like knowing
when to get out of a bathtub.
How do you know well at some point you just realize you're done and you get out and with
that allow it to perhaps open up you to a level of realizing that you've got your own
internal mechanisms and you can trust yourself that you will know when to break up; that
the process will unfold and you will fight and you will stay in it as long as you need
to until you are done.”
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