If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like
to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing music,
please, James?
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, Amy Klobuchar, for eating a salad with a comb
and proving that you're ready to run against the guy
who combs his hair with a fork.
That's just interesting to me. -Come on, come on.
That's one the kids can tell.
-I just find it interesting.
-Come on.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, Trump's signature,
for also being a picture of his heart rate
while watching Michael Cohen's testimony.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Whoa."
-"Fake. Fake!"
-"Where's Kim?"
-[ Laughs ] [ Shakily ] "Where -- Where's Kim?"
[ Normal voice ] Is that Trump doing Johnny Cash?
-Yeah.
[ As Mister Ed ] "Where's Kim? Whoa."
[ Normal voice ] It's Trump Mister Ed.
-It's Trump Mister Ed. -Trump Mister Ed, yeah.
-[ As Wilbur ] Ed, I got to feed you
and hurry up and get back to work.
-[ As Mister Ed ] Well, I can't, Wilbur.
I got to go to Folsom Prison.
-I know you're a talking horse and everything.
I'm going on a date with a real woman.
-Really?
-Yeah.
[ Neighing ] Fake. Fake news.
[ Laughter ]
Haaaay.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] He's a horse, he's a horse.
-[ Normal voice ] It's a horse, yeah.
Heeey.
-Yeah. Exactly.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, the new Samsung Galaxy Fold,
for being perfect for people who love smartphones
but wish they had even more screens to crack.
It's like...
"Can kinda see. I think it's a cute baby.
I don't know."
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, March weather.
I can't wait to wake up every day and play the age-old game
pleasant spring day or full-blown arctic apocalypse?
It's like... [ Applause ]
-Parka or jacket.
-[ As Wilbur ] The weatherman says wear a helmet today.
[ Laughter ]
You believe that, Ed? It's crazy.
-[ As Mister Ed ] Well, I don't.
You should wear some fireproof jeans.
-[ Normal voice ] Ed, since when did we put cable in the barn?
-What's that?
-I mean, normally we don't have a cable box in the barn.
I mean, I pay for cable in the --
You're not stealing cable, are you, Ed?
-Me? No. Why would I steal cable?
-How would you know what I was just talking about,
the weatherman said --
-I was watching the neighbor -- I stole cable.
[ Laughter ]
-I appreciate you being honest with me, buddy.
-You know what? -What?
-It's not easy being a talking horse,
but having a human friend like you makes,
I don't know, life a little easier.
-Well, I mean, like --
[ As Wilbur ] I'm sorry, buddy. I --
Sorry --
I mean, normally I'd wake up, come down.
-Right.
-And I'd ride you for four or five hours.
[ Laughter ]
-I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
[ Laughter ]
There's a saddle you can --
You don't need to go bareback. There's a saddle.
-[ Normal voice ] You know, I'll just pay for cable.
Never mind. -Okay.
-We never talk. We never talk.
[ As Wilbur ] Good night, Ed.
-Good night, Wilbur.
Whoa.
[ Piano plays ]
-[ Normal voice ] Thank you, nightclubs.
[ Laughs ]
[ Cymbal crashes ]
[ Laughter ]
[ As Wilbur ] I mean, you're a talking horse.
You'd think you would talk to me about it.
At least say -- At least say stop.
-Yeah, well, you know, I didn't want to be rude.
[ Laughter ]
You know, I don't know where the boundaries are.
I live in a stable here and I wait for you to show up.
You do feed me.
And I guess I felt a lot of pressure.
Never mind. I'm good, I'm good.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, that one time you tried to ride me, that was too much.
That was too much. That was too much.
-I-I crossed the line. -You certainly did.
-You told me where the line is, and I-I crossed it.
[ Laughter ]
And I apologize.
[ Piano plays ]
-[ Normal voice ] Thank you, nightclubs,
for being the perfect spot for people to --
[ Laughs ]
There's somebody in the back laughing.
[ Laughter ]
I hear somebody in the back laughing.
All right, sorry.
[ Laughter ]
-Speaking of nightclubs --
-No, no, hey, no.
Hey, you shouldn't go out anymore, yeah.
-I won't. I'll stay here.
[ Laughter ]
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, nightclubs, for being the perfect spot
for people who like making small talk
while screaming at the top of their lungs.
It's like, "Hey, how you doing man?! Yeah!
I used to go to Blockbuster years ago,
but they don't have them anymore!
So I used to rent movies! I never returned one!
You know what movie it was?! "Mrs. Doubtfire"!
I never even watched it
'cause they don't make video cassette players anymore!
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, mint on my pillow.
'Cause if there's one surface I want to eat food off of,
it's a hotel bed.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Speaking of hotel beds --
-What?
-All right. -All right.
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, people with high-end backpacks.
It's good to know that if this business meeting runs late,
you're totes ready to set up camp and build us a shelter.
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, open-back hospital gowns,
for not going by your real name -- booty curtains.
There you go, everybody.
There you have it. Those are my thank-you notes.