WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HAPPY TO BE BACK.
>> GOOD MAN.
>> Stephen: THESE PEOPLE ARE AS GOOD ASPEN SILLEN RIGHT HERE,
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS PRESCRIPTION GRADE RIGHT
HERE.
WE HAVE FORMER SECRETARY OF DEFENSE MARK ESPER IS GOING TO
BE OUT HERE IN A BIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WONDERFUL COMEDIAN, WRITER,
DIRECTOR, HUMANITARIAN, JUDD APATOW WILL BE OUT HERE.
I CAN SAY HUMANITARIAN, RIGHT?
HE'S A HUMAN BEING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE, I
WENT AND SAW OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE THIS WEEKEND.
>> HOW'S HE DOING IN.
>> Stephen: MUCH BETTER.
SENDS HIS LOVE.
HE WILL BE BACK HERE AFTER HE FEELS BETTER AND AFTER HE'S DONE
COLOR PURPLE.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE WILL BE BACK BETWEEN THEN.
>> HE'S A BUSY MAN.
>> Stephen: HE'S A BUSY MAN.
I HAVE TO SAY, YOU GUYS ARE KILLING IT OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS FORMER
DEFENSE SECRETARY MARK ESPER.
HE'S THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW TELL-ALL BOOK, "A SACRED OATH."
IT'S LOADED WITH DISTURBING REVELATIONS ABOUT THE REIGN OF
FORMER PRESIDENT "EL CRAPPY TAN."
FOR INSTANCE, ESPER SAYS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT PROPOSED
LAUNCHING MISSILES INTO MEXICO TO 'DESTROY THE DRUG LABS.'
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE WOULD DO THAT, CONSIDERING THAT MOST OF
THE DRUGS ARE ALREADY SAFELY STORED: HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER ESPER POINTED OUT THAT THE MISSILE LAUNCH WOULD BE AN ACT
OF WAR AGAINST AN ALLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT EXPLAINED, WE
COULD JUST SHOOT SOME PATRIOT MISSILES AND TAKE OUT THE LABS,
QUIETLY, ADDING, NO ONE WOULD KNOW IT WAS US.
HE WOULD SIMPLY DENY WE HAD LAUNCHED THEM.
YEAH, HE JUST PLANNED TO DENY WHERE THOSE EXPLODING METAL
TUBES WITH U.S.A. ON THE SIDE CAME FROM US.
HE WOULD JUST TELL THE MEXICANS THEY WERE SENT BY SUSAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ESPER'S BOOK ALSO SAYS THAT THE PRESIDENT COMPLAINED THAT THE US
NAVY SHIPS LOOK UGLY.
OK, THAT'S WEIRD, BUT IT DOES EXPLAIN WHY THE U.S.S. CARL
VINSON GOT A BOOB JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) ESPER ALSO REVEALED THAT THE
FORMER PRESIDENT WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WITH CRAZY IDEAS.
THERE WERE ALSO PLENTY FROM FORMER PRESIDENTIAL ADVISOR AND
ZIT WITH A DARK SECRET STEPHEN MILLER.
ESPER SAYS THAT DURING THE RAID THAT KILLED ISLAMIC STATE LEADER
ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI, MILLER PROPOSED SECURING AL-BAGHDADI'S
HEAD, DIPPING IT IN PIG'S BLOOD AND PARADING IT AROUND TO WARN
OTHER TERRORISTS.
WHEN ESPER POINTED OUT THAT THAT WOULD BE A WAR CRIME, MILLER
REPLIED: THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
WITH ALL THIS PIG'S BLOOD?
( LAUGHTER ) ESPER WENT ON 60 MINUTES, WHERE
HE REVEALED THAT MILLER ALSO LOBBIED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO
SEND A QUARTER MILLION US TROOPS TO THE BORDER.
>> WE'RE IN A MEETING, WAITING FOR THE PRESIDENT TO COME OUT,
WE'RE STANDING AROUND THE RESOLUTE DESK.
AND HE'S BEHIND ME, AND THIS VOICE JUST STARTS TALKING ABOUT,
CARAVANS ARE COMING AND WE NEED TO GET TROOPS TO THE BORDER AND
WE NEED A QUARTER MILLION TROOPS.
AND I THINK HE'S JOKING.
AND THEN I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK AT HIM AND THESE DEADPAN
EYES, IT'S-- CLEARLY HE IS NOT JOKING.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S BECAUSE STEPHEN MILLER DOES NOT JOKE.
(AS MILLER) "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD?
TO STEAL MY PIGS BLOOD.
WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER?
A NEWSPAPER DIPPED IN MY PIGS' BLOOD."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARK ESPER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )