So,
Laura’s kinda having a rough time right now.
So.
So, Laura and I followed LaFontaine across campus to the Lustig building
and then down through the basement into a series of caves.
I still cannot believe you used me as a human homing beacon.
I know, but just… we were getting desperate and then…
No, no, no, no.
That was hardcore.
We do not apologize for the hardcore.
I missed you, weirdo.
Control freak.
Um, right, so,
then, uh, everyone was there.
Um, the vampires, the Dean, uh, Kirsch and all the rest, and
they were standing at the lip of this enormous chasm with their backs to us,
so we rushed them.
Which was a bad idea. But I did manage to stake that one guy. Will?
[to Kirsch]
Oh.
Sorry, sweetie.
It’s okay.
I mean, he kinda had it coming.
But then the rest of the vampires caught us and they threw Laura and I in an old broom closet to eat later.
You know the next part.
They forgot to take away Laura’s phone, which
apparently has really great reception. So, I get a text, and, with
a little convincing, I rustle up the cavalry.
Uh, a phalanx of sisters, forty odd Zetas, armed with the traditional tridents and salted herring.
And, so, we free Laura and Perry and we rush the vampire line.
And we totally had them on the ropes when this rumbling started.
And from the bottom of the pit,
you could see this light
rising. And- and it was like…
Like the sun coming up underground,
and you’re transfixed by the brightness.
Everybody started walking right towards it ‘cause what can you do but give yourself over to this light?
Which was the moment this
huge cat grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and dragged me away from the edge.
And then it shrank and shifted and there was Carmilla
with a sword.
A sword like a hollow in reality, eating light.
And when the Dean saw Carmilla,
she screamed and came at us in this swarm of shadows like
crows scratching and clawing.
And they fought like that until the Dean transformed into a woman again,
at which point Carmilla decks her in the face with the sword hilt and she falls into the pit.
But it was too late. The light was everywhere.
You could see these figures in it, reaching out for you.
And I think Ell was…
was maybe reaching out for Carmilla and Carmilla was crying
‘cause in all this time she’d never been able to see her.
But then Carmilla turned to me and said, “y’know,
I really am starting to hate this heroic vampire crap.”
[Laura, Perry, LaFontaine, and Kirsch chuckle]
And then she leapt.
Drove the sword right into the heart of the light and the light shook and sputtered like it was alive and the ghosts screamed.
And they all fell together into the darkness.
Once the light was out, I guess the brain parasites died because
everyone seemed to wake up, more or less.
I was arriving at the wine and cheese and that’s it.
I don’t even remember if I got any wine.
I was on a campus tour.
I didn’t even wanna go to this school.
But
we were all still stuck in an
an almost completely dark underground cavern with a gang of vampires.
Except
it wasn’t totally dark, because all over the walls and um in the air were these beautiful glowing puffballs,
courtesy of the alchemy club.
Yeah, it was like having a bar fight in black light.
And then this other vamp tried to break my arm and
Psycho Society here saved my bacon.
That was accidental.
Hey, even if,
you save a Zeta’s life you become an honorary Zeta. You get a trident and everything.
And, uh,
you know, it’d be kinda cool if you would…
When the chips are down, you’re kinda like a bro.
Um,
and I could sorta use one.
Well, finally, all the vampires surrendered.
Except for Carmilla’s mom, who was fifty feet down the cliff face clinging on by her fingernails.
Oh, and she was doing the whole you fools, you don’t know what you’ve done, you’ll regret this,
zombies will eat your liver, blah blah blah blah.
Yeah, and then Laura’s like, “hey, sorry, the students of Silas University would like a new dean because (A) you’re a callous, evil witch…
Yep. That one’s it. A.” And then Laura goes and pushes this rock that’s been teetering on the edge
and bam. Done with the Dean.
Even better than that, now that the ancient demonic brain lantern is off, people are finally coming around,
realizing that maybe they probably should have been upset about going to a school that serves eyeballs in the cafeteria,
has safety protocols for escaped cacodemons, and where mortal combat is a prerequisite for tenure.
The administration is finally gonna have to listen to my long, long list of health…
Yeah.
Sorry, Laura.
It’s okay.
Laura, you did it.
You saved Betty. You saved almost everyone.
Yeah.
Almost everyone.