- Over the years, I have given many performers their start,
right here on this stage.
Justin Bieber, Lady Antebellum,
the Bumble-Meyer Boys--
they didn't take off the way I'd hoped, but...
[laughter] they were here.
And, of course, I've had Taylor Swift here
several, several times.
Would I say that she owes everything to me?
I sure would, yes.
Anyway, because we're such close friends,
I got to go to Taylor's concert last month
by purchasing tickets on Craigslist.
[laughter]
Apparently, she wasn't getting my texts.
And I found something out,
and perhaps you know this about Taylor,
she has a squad. She's got herself a squad.
Did you know that? all: Yes.
- Yeah, all right, and if--you know what a squad is, right?
It's a posse for white people, and...
[laughter]
Kendall Jenner is in the squad. Selena Gomez is in it.
Guess who's not in it? all: Ellen.
- This gal, right here. [all groan]
- That's messed up. - Oh, it's messed up all right.
Yeah. [laughter]
Yeah. I--don't get me riled up. I mean--
I don't even want to be in Taylor's dumb squad
because I'm announcing today, and people didn't know this,
I have my own squad, and, uh, it's--
it's even squad-ier than her squad.
[laughter]
I had my squad for a long time, like, since the '80s,
before 1989 Taytay.
[laughter]
Do you all wanna meet my squad?
[cheers and applause]
I was hoping you'd wanna stay--
Yeah, I was hoping you'd say that
'cause it'd be weird that you'd say, "No, we don't."
So, my squad has three girls
who everyone wanted to be friends with growing up.
They're from one of the most anticipated TV shows ever.
In fact, my squad is kind of the reason
there's gonna be a "Fuller House."
Please welcome D.J., Stephanie, and Kimmy, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
- Yay!
- Hello. [inaudible].
Right? Yeah. - Right.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Whoo, whoo!
- Whoo!
- Let's-- - What's up?
Let's do our secret handshake... - What's up.
- That we do. all: Oh, right. Yeah.
The thing with the--right. - Uh-huh.
all: The thing and this thing? - Yeah, that one.
All right. Yeah. - Blow it up.
- Oop. Yep. - Yep.
Yeah, and this isn't even my whole squad, ya'll.
No, there's also my comedy brother from another mother,
Carrot Top.
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, hey. How you doing?
[grunts] - Yeah.
Yeah... - [laughs]
- Yeah, Carrot Top, he gives me all my props.
What do you got for me today? - It's a good one.
It's the hooters job application, see?
- Okay. - You just fill it out.
- I see, yeah. - You fill it out.
All right. Thank you Carrot Top. - [chuckles]
- All right, so Carrot Top is also in my squad.
Taylor Swift's cat is part of her squad,
but I have someone in my squad with a lot more hair.
Please welcome Tina Turner.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks. Thank you.
- How you doing? Good job. [chuckles]
- Yeah.
Right, so...yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Also, Taylor's squad has a lot of famous musicians,
and so does mine.
Please welcome, from Huey Lewis and the News,
the News. - [chuckles]
[cheers and applause]
- I'll admit that my next person, in my squad,
is--he's a big loser.
My personal trainer, and the host of "Biggest Loser,"
Bob Harper.
[cheers and applause]
- Ho!
[laughs]
- When my squad goes out, we need someone
to keep the drinks flowing,
which is why I roll with a bartender.
Best bartender around, you guys.
From "The Love Boat," please welcome Isaac.
[cheers and applause]
- [laughs]
- Obviously, I need a choreographer in my squad.
Do the words, "Backstreets back, all right"
mean anything to ya'll?
Please welcome Nick Carter.
[cheers and applause]
Taylor has Lena Dunham, who's always naked,
but I have someone in my squad who's even more naked than that.
Please welcome Alf.
[cheers and applause]
And finally, Taylor, I hope you're watching
because this one is gonna freak your freak.
She switched squads. Please welcome Selena Gomez.
[cheers and applause]
- Hi.
Hi. Hi, guys.
For real. - Yeah.
- [laughs] - Yeah, that's right.
This is my squad. - [inaudible]
That's right.
Good luck shaking this off, Taylor.
Get a load of us, and now my squad shall dance.