(R&B music)
- Please welcome to the stage right now,
Sean Patton everybody!
(applause)
- You ever worry what kind of hobo you'd be
if you just lost your shit right now?
Just snapped right now.
Does that cross everyone's mind, 12 times a day?
How, whatever mental state you're currently in,
ahh, you know, then you're just homeless forever and.
'Cause like New York's where you come to make it,
you know, as a musician, as an actor, as a fucking comedian,
I'm starting to think as a homeless person.
Like, I try and help every homeless person I see,
I give them money, but sometimes I wanna ask,
"Hey, were you just the most homeless guy in Cleveland?
Or, like Phoenix?
And your other homeless friends were like,
man you gotta go, you're too good!"
I think about that every day.
Okay, so I'm here in New York, I'm in Brooklyn,
and I'm waiting to cross the street
and there's a woman in front of me jogging in place, right?
Now, let's just call her clothing "aerodynamic,"
let's just call it that.
Now, did I want to look at her perfect runner's body?
Of course I did, I'm a fucking heterosexual American male,
alright, red blood, blue eyes, white piss,
of course I wanted to look.
But I didn't, I did not look, that is not the time
that we are in anymore, there's no more room for that
in life, we cannot objectify women
even if it's just on the street.
Plus there was no way of knowing whether or not
I was on one of those hidden camera shows,
there's no way to know.
I could've been on "Catch Him Looking,"
I could've been on that show,
if that show exists, so I just didn't risk it.
So I looked away, I looked down the block,
and what I saw was this homeless dude coming at us
and he was one of those, like,
I'm legit, you got wolf jacked man, come on, man,
shit, fuck, shit, hike!
A storyteller, that's what I call that style of hobo,
a storyteller.
(yelling indistinctly)
So, I simply backed away and gave him an avenue to pass,
but he stopped at he looked directly at this jogger's ass
and went from (yelling indistinctly)
to, oh, oh, oh!
I'm so glad she had headphones on,
otherwise she would've heard him and turned around
and, oh, oh!
And then he looked back at me,
and I just, nope, I don't want any part of this at all.
And then he continued, ooh, ooh, ooh!
And then the light changed, she jogged away,
as soon as she was gone from his eye sight,
he was right back to (yelling indistinctly).
Apparently, her ass was so great,
it granted him sanity again.
It's only for a moment, but that's what got me thinking,
like what happened, something has to happen,
crazy homeless people aren't born crazy and homeless,
right?
(laughter)
I don't know, there's a lot of things I don't know,
maybe some of you have had that conversation.
Oh my God, have you heard about Terry and Rita's baby?
(laughter)
It's homeless!
What are you talking about, she's a doctor
and he's an attorney.
I know, it's a tragedy.
It's a screamer, too.
If you live in New York, you've seen the screamer,
that's the gentleman who just appears normal
and then out of nowhere, (screaming).
Like, what happened to that guy?
He probably wasn't always (screams),
at some point, he was probably, hey!
Hey!
And then someone told him poor people
always have to pay taxes but churches never do,
and he was like (screams) and just never stopped.
I worry, like the storyteller, was he just a guy
on a smoke break from work?
Like, this is bullshit you know?
I'm working 60 hour weeks, I'm the first one year,
the last one to leave, you know?
Pouring my life blood into this company,
but I'm not getting promoted, I'm getting passed over
every year, 'cause I'm not young, 'cause I don't have
a social media presence, this is bullshit!
If I walked away now, this company would be fucked!
They don't know what they (yelling indistinctly).
(laughter and applause)
He just kept on walking.
(applause)
That's why I love this city, though.
A lot of, I mean, almost nine million people live her,
'cause it's so affordable, I think that's why.
Isn't it funny when people ask you,
like how expensive is New York, really?
I tell this tale 'cause it's true.
Earlier this year, I helped my friend move into an
apartment here in Brooklyn, one bedroom apartment,
and he pays $3,000 a month.
And the laughter you just heard is whoever lives here,
like, that's it?
But seriously, $3,000 a month is what he pays
for a standard one bedroom, nothing special about it.
And I helped him move in in January
and then we were hanging out on the stoops afterwards,
drinking kombucha and pretending to like it,
you know, standard Brooklynite activity.
It's like oh this is delicious, what is that, bacteria?
Mmm, it's so good, it's so, mm mm mm!
I can feel it wiggling down my windpipe,
it's so good, this tastes like a bottle of vinegar,
went out, got hammered on PBR,
and then pissed into this bottle,
and it's so delicious and good for you.
Why would I want Gatorade with all that sugar?
No, this is, mmmmm bacteria!
We're doing that and this old timey New Yorker,
and I love those guys, like, dirty work pants,
dirty boots, though he's probably been retired for 30 years,
he's got a hat on, it's so old I can't tell
if it's Yankees or Mets, it's just NY.
And he's just an old guy and he's got something
in a bottle in a bag, probably booze,
old school and he stops right in front of the apartment
and he's just kinda staring at it for a second.
And then he says, I used to live here
back in the '70's, right here.
And then my friend goes, I just moved in, sir.
And then the guy looks at us
like he didn't even realize we were there.
He's like, oh you?
What are you, a couple of trapeze artists?
(laughter)
Side note, I don't know if that's a derogatory term or not.
Trapeze artists are pretty fucking buff, you know,
they're jacked, but we're just sitting there.
And he says, yeah I used to live in apartment 3RR
and that's the apartment I just helped my friend move into,
and he says, that's what I just moved in, 3RR.
That's right, some apartments in Brooklyn have two r's
like they wrote fantasy novels.
(laughter)
You like that one, that was a good one, yeah, thank you.
And this old dude, he goes, yup, I paid $270 a month.
And I'm looking at my friend, like, don't say it,
don't say it, but he's one of those friends
who's proud of what he pays, he goes, well sir,
I pay three grand a month.
And this old guy's reaction was worth every cent,
'cause right there, he just, what?
You fucking dumb shit, this guy pays three grand a month!
This guy pays three grand, and there's no one on the street,
he's just shouting it to the trees
and the fire hydrants, three grand!
What the fuck, it's still a one bedroom?
It is?
What the hell they put in that bedroom, huh?
Who do you live with, the fucking Jets?
And the Sharks?
You live with the Jets and the Sharks?
You get a private Broadway production every night
for three grand a month, huh?
What the hell's in that bedroom,
a fucking sauna, huh?
A rub and tug studio, huh?
You got a private chef, what do you got in there, a cobbler?
Just fixing your shoes every day?
For three grand a month, what the hell you got in there?
A university, huh?
You get a college degree when you move in?
Three grand a month, what the hell you got in there
for three grand, another apartment, huh?
You got a tinier apartment inside that one bedroom
apartment that you get to rent out
and you pay three grand for a one bedroom?
What the hell's in that tiny apartment, huh?
What do you got in there, Portugal?
A whole damn country of Portugal lives in that apartment?
For three grand, huh?
What the hell's in there, gluten?
That gluten, is that where gluten goes when you free it,
it goes to a one bedroom inside a one bedroom?
What the hell you got in there, science?
Huh?
What the hell's in there, a time machine?
You got a time machine in there?
You got a time machine in there, huh?
Ha ha, hey if I pay you to move in there,
can I take that time machine back to Coney Island
in 1983 so's I can tell Pauly I loved him
like I shoulda done then?
But couldn't 'cause we was both union?
(cheers and applause)
Is that what's in there, a chance at true love?
(laughter)
You want first and last up front, though?
No, fuck that.
That is a strange place to leave you, I know.
But like life itself, it's just unexpected.
Thank you all, goodnight.
People always ask, who's your biggest comic inspiration?
I don't know that it is any specific comedian.
I know Mr. Show is what made me want to be a comedian,
I know that TV program is what made me love comedy
and made me wanna do it and made me realize that I was funny
because I was like, really?
I think of this ridiculous shit, too, I love it.
(R&B music)