Transcriber: Leonardo Soares Reviewer: Annet Johnson
So I asked a chatbot,
“It’s my first TEDx.
What should I talk about?”
(Laughter)
“Talk about me.
Talk about artificial intelligence.”
That’s what the chatbot said.
“You’re supposed to be an expert in that.”
“Yeah, all right.
What else?“
“Well, you can talk about education.
You say you first taught when you were 14.
You must know a thing or two about education.”
“Well, thanks for the confidence chatbot
and thanks for your suggestions.”
I can talk about artificial intelligence or education,
but there is something else.
Something that I have been thinking about ever since I started to think.
My first memory, or one of the first memories,
is trying to give my favorite toy to my newly born baby brother
and my parents smiling and looking at me with an intensity of emotion
that is not only etched on my memory but forever imprinted on my consciousness.
So I’m not going to talk about something that AI even understands.
I’m going to talk about something that you all intuitively relate to.
I’m going to argue that giving is not just altruistic
but logical and selfish.
I’ll try to convince you
that becoming a perpetual intrinsic giver
is the life hack of all life hacks.
But first, I must make a confession.
While I might have accumulated some credentials and qualifications
in a few subjects resulting in titles and letters before and after my name,
I have no claim to wisdom, authority,
or gravitas in what I’m about to profess.
I do not have a Ph.D. in blissfulness.
I am not a professor of euphoria.
However, I am a keen and curious student
in the university of life.
So are you, otherwise you wouldn’t be here today.
And I think that entitles us to engage in a dialogue
where I’ll ask four questions
and try to see where the answers lead us to.
So are you willing to indulge me?
Thank you.
My first question is,
“Can we engineer and reengineer our behaviors?”
Reminds me of my primary school teacher in Pakistan.
He would say, “Think of the word habit, H. A. B. I. T.
Remove the “h,” “abit” is still there.
Remove the “a” and “bit” survives.
Remove the “b” and “it” is still there.
Habits are not easy to get rid of.
Well, I can share my experience of a nasty habit:
smoking.
How did I acquire it?
Well, I joined the Army,
was two years younger than everyone else,
wanted to hide my insecurities,
wanted to announce to the world that I am independent.
And above all, I wanted to ...
I desperately, desperately wanted to impress the ladies.
(Laughter)
I had the illusion that smoking would somehow make me
the very epitome of irresistible, masculine charm.
(Laughter)
Yes, I was that stupid.
I remember when I first smoked, it felt like a kick in the back of my throat.
But I taught myself to overcome this natural repulsion and became a smoker.
Then one day somebody who deeply cared about me
sat me down and told me what an idiot I was.
That day my journey of quitting started.
Then a time came when the smell of burning tobacco,
the very sensation that I used to yearn for,
became something that I couldn’t stand anymore.
I'm sure you can all think of times when you have acquired good habits
or relinquished bad habits.
There’s no rocket science in it.
We often succeed when we really want to change
and when we have a support network around us.
So, yes, we can engineer and reengineer our behaviors.
It reminds me of a poster that I used to have in my room and it said,
“The only person you are destined to be is the person you decide to be.”
Now, I take you to my second question.
“How much casual impact do we have on others?”
I think we grossly underestimate the impact we have on others.
In every interaction and in every situation, we impact each other.
We can all think of family get-togethers or work meetings or social gatherings
where one small thing suddenly changes the mood positively or negatively.
We are all familiar with the “bad apple” metaphor.
“One bad apple spoils the barrel.”
It’s true biologically as well as metaphorically.
One bad apple which is infected would spread the infection
to its neighboring apples which will in turn spread the infection further
and this cascade would continue until the entire barrel is rotten.
Similarly, the metaphor is also true.
Can we all not think of gatherings and family reunions and work meetings
where one negative action, one toxic comment,
propagates, starts, triggers a wave of negativity,
culminating into an all-round, miserable environment?
It doesn’t stop there.
When we leave such a gathering or meeting,
we take that negativity with us to the next social interaction that we have.
Yes, it does happen.
However,
the converse is also true, isn’t it?
One positive action, one kind gesture,
one friendly smile can trigger a wave of positivity too.
I’m not a native speaker, but I think we need to coin a new metaphor:
“One good apple can save the entire barrel too.”
One determined, positive person can change an entire culture.
Can we all not think of people whose mere arrival brings smiles of anticipation
because we know that that person doesn’t come alone?
They bring with themselves optimism, kindness, joy,
perhaps even a little bit of silly humor.
Can you all think of someone like that that you have ever come across?
If you are struggling ...
(Laughter)
(Whispers) Modesty.
Question three,
“What is happiness and where does it come from?”
I find it paradoxical that the pursuit of happiness
is an innate objective of all human beings.
Yet, we hardly ever talk about it, let alone teach it systematically.
Let’s first try to draw the distinction between happiness and pleasure.
Pleasure is ephemeral,
visceral,
usually exclusive,
and achievable with material wealth.
Happiness is enduring,
ethereal,
often inclusive,
and beyond material wealth.
Pleasure can be bought.
Happiness has to be earned.
Pleasure is taking.
Happiness is giving.
Happiness is also intrinsic and relative.
Two big sources of happiness are: being thankful and being useful to others.
Let’s do a small experiment.
Let’s try to think of the happiest moments in our lives.
Can you try to think of the happiest moment in your life?
Does it involve other people?
Does it involve the happiness of other people?
I bet it does.
If you’re up for it, let’s do a silly exercise.
Let's take out our mobile phones.
Let’s open the messaging app
and let’s type,
“I am grateful to have you in my life.”
Now,
if you want to, send it to at least one person,
whoever came to your mind first.
Now given the composition of this audience,
it's slightly disappointing that I haven't received a message.
(Laughter)
Perhaps there is bad reception here.
(Laughter)
Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,
message from Zona,
childhood friend, soulmate, wife for 21 years,
says, “I will be grateful when you stop talking.”
(Laughter)
Another message from our Chief Operating Officer
who is responsible for human resources,
“When you were talking about imaginary university titles
in blissfulness and euphoria,
thanks for not bringing up the professors of ecstasy.”
(Laughter)
I am so proper, I don’t even know what the joke is.
Right, jokes aside.
Do you agree that your happiness is tied to the happiness of others?
Yes, of course.
That takes me to my last question.
“What is perpetual and intrinsic giving?”
What comes to your mind when I say the word giving?
Giving money?
Volunteering?
Of course, these are great things to do.
But these tend to be episodic and punctuated.
Can we do more?
Can we go beyond?
Remember what we said earlier about the dimensions of personal influence?
In every interaction and in every situation,
we have the agency to make impact.
We choose to be positive, negative, or neutral.
We choose to give, to take, or be indifferent.
And it's not just others, you know, that we give to or take from.
We are also involved in a continuous dialogue with ourselves.
So in solitude too,
we choose to be kind, generous, giving or not.
Life does present challenging situations;
situations where we are competing with others.
Again, one strategy could be to fight for the limited resource
and the other could be to join forces and try to create new resource.
If we think we are clever,
if we think we are good people,
then we should be able to find win-win strategies,
even when we are competing with others.
So what is perpetual intrinsic giving?
It is the mindful effort to have a positive impact in every interaction,
every situation, and every conscious moment.
So I’ve asked my four questions.
What have we established so far?
Both happiness and giving are contagious and self-reinforcing,
but they’re interlinked too;
they trigger each other.
Happiness makes us give and giving makes us happy.
So how to become a perpetual intrinsic giver?
That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?
And like I confessed in the beginning,
I am neither an angel nor a fountain of wisdom.
In fact, every time I introspect,
I realize how imperfect, fallible, fickle, and arrogant I am.
But then life has taught me that I am capable of being the opposite too.
So every morning when I look in the mirror, I see two reflections.
I see a giver,
a generous, positive, reflective optimist.
But I also see a taker,
a petty, negative, self-absorbed pessimist.
Every morning, I have to remind myself who I want to be.
And let me tell you, it’s not easy.
Some days are just bad days.
Some days we just struggle.
But then I also have amazing people around me,
like my son Danyal,
who is barely 11 but has magical powers.
Let me explain.
When I’m being negative or stressed, he walks up to me and he says, “Smile.”
When I try to fob him off, he reminds me that I can do better.
And when I do, do better, he hugs me.
And then, by some magic, I suddenly remember what life is all about.
I suddenly remember what I want to be, who I want to be.
You know, we’re all unique yet so similar.
Come on,
let’s help each other in this pursuit of happiness.
We know the power of soft nudges.
We know that smiles stimulate smiles,
kindness induces kindness, and giving inspires giving.
Let’s do it together.
Let’s keep reminding each other of who we want to be.
Thank you.
(Applause)