-Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try to connect
and share with a man, it's like you're just speaking
a different language and he doesn't get it?
You're not alone.
Today, we're going to talk about five keys to communicating better with men.
Hi, there. Mat Shaffer, your empowerment,
connection and a relationship coach here.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you in creating
the fun, fulfilling, and dynamic connections
and relationships with men that you are so worthy of.
I'm really excited about this topic because it's my passion,
how to understand the way men think and the way they communicate
at a deeper level.
We're going to dive into five tips to help you do that but before we do,
take a second, hit that little subscribe button
and don't forget to click the link in the comments and caption.
I've created an awesome training that's really going to help you understand
and communicate with men more effectively.
Before I dive into these five tips,
I just want to share that men and women fundamentally want the same thing.
We want to feel the same degree of connection and the same degree
of safety and the same degree of love and relationship,
but how we connect and communicate with each other, it's a little different.
These tips are going to help you understand how men are wired
and how they process what you share with them.
The first key in understanding how men communicate better
is that men think in straight lines, we think in a linear way.
What does that mean?
It means that we think in terms of cause and effect.
If we see an effect, if we see you feeling
a certain way we're going to look for the most direct cause of it,
we're not going to be looking at different variables.
We're very simple creatures.
We're looking at things and looking for a direct link.
That's why it's so important to set boundaries with men.
Men love blueprints, we love plans,
we love to have a specific connection between how we're acting
and how you're feeling.
That's why invitations are so powerful,
because you want to create a clear path between how you feel,
like I would love to feel this, and something we can do to cause it.
The quickest way to get between two points is a straight line.
If you give men a straight line towards what you want,
they're going to understand and they're going to appreciate it deeply.
Ladies, give men clear guidance
and instructions on what you want and how to make you feel good
and you're going to get much better results
in terms of your communication and responses for men.
The second key to understanding and communicating with men is to know
that we are fixers, and we are going to reflexively want to fix
anything you share with us.
If you don't want a man to offer to fix a problem that you're experiencing
when you share it with them, for example,
you have something going on in your life and you just want him to hold space
for you, it's important that you tell him upfront,
"Hey, I want to share this with you and I'm not looking for a solution.
The way you can really support me is just by listening to me,"
because men are, by default, going to want to fix any problem that you share,
any pain that you might be experiencing.
In alignment with the last tip, you want to give a man
specific instructions on how he should be listening
and what you want from him or else he's just going to want
to fix it automatically.
The third key to understand when you're communicating with men
is that we are very quick to blame ourselves
when you're upset or when you want to talk about feelings.
If you say, "Hey, I've got some feelings I want to talk about,"
or you're upset about something, our initial knee-jerk reaction is,
"Oh my gosh, what did I do wrong? I'm in trouble."
Maybe our momma trauma gets activated because we tend to have a lot of fear
around adverse feelings from women.
If you recognize that men are quick to blame themselves
and quick to go into shutdown mode and become defensive,
it's really important for you to look at the energy
that you're bringing to vulnerable shares,
because if you come into a vulnerable share of feelings
and you're in a very elevated, upset emotional state,
you got to remember that a man is going to reflexively want to shut down.
He's going to reflexively be intimidated by that and he's going to blame himself.
I'm not saying that you can't be in ownership of your feelings,
but I am saying that if you're in a really triggered state,
maybe it's better to wait till your emotional barometer goes down
a little bit before sharing vulnerably with him or let him know upfront,
"Hey, I'm really upset.
I'm not trying to blame you for this but it's really important
that I share this with you so can you just hold space for me?"
Another important key to understanding
how to communicate with men is that we are very single focus
when it comes to communication.
We have a tendency to get lost.
If you're sharing a story that has a lot of moving parts,
a lot of different people involved, especially
if we don't have direct relationships or connections to those people
because for a lot of men social dynamics,
especially between women, are alien to us.
If you have a story that you want to tell a man and it involves the inner workings
of relationships between a lot of different women
or a lot of different people that he may not know,
you want to ground him in why this story is important to you and give him
some context around it.
Help him understand why it's very important
that he pay attention, and maybe you let him know
a little bit about the people
that are involved so that he can connect with it
because men are not going to be as interested
just in what he said to her and how she felt about it unless
they feel like they've got some context
and that they've got something at stake in that story.
The last important thing to understand
when you're communicating with a man is that men,
we often feel like baby giraffes when it comes to talking about emotions.
How does a baby giraffe look?
When a baby giraffe initially starts taking those first steps,
it's wobbly, it's uncertain,
it isn't sure of what its next steps are going to look and feel like
and all its trying to do is stay up on its feet.
When a man is talking about emotions,
especially if he doesn't have a lot of experience doing it,
he's going to feel wobbly, he's going to feel unsure of himself.
It's going to be really important for you to encourage and invite him
and make him feel safe by leading with vulnerability,
and comforting him and encouraging and inviting him and letting him
know that this is a judgment-free zone.
If you could remember these five keys to communicating with a man,
you're going to be able to connect with them on an entirely different level.
The first key being that men think in straight lines.
We are very linear, we are very A to B
so the more direct you can be in your guidance
and your instructions and in your requests from us,
the more effective communication is going to be
and the more he's going to appreciate it.
Secondly, we want to fix problems, we want to fix pain by default.
When you want to share vulnerably with a man,
if you're not looking for a fix, let him know,
tell him what it is that you want.
Thirdly, we're quick to blame ourselves
for your feelings or for whatever's going on in your life.
If you have a lot of emotion coming up for you make sure
that you let him know that it's not his fault.
Make sure you let him know that you're not trying to attack him
and that you just have something to share.
Take that pressure and blame off him upfront and you'll definitely diffuse
his tendency to put his walls up and shut down on you.
Fourth, men are single-focus.
We can get lost in your stories if there's a lot of moving parts
or a lot of people that we aren't connected to.
Recognize men are not experts at human dynamics
and we oftentimes don't really understand them,
especially when they're between women.
Ground a man.
If you have a complicated story to tell him, ground him
in why it's important beforehand and let him know important details
about the people that are in it so he can fully understand
what's happening and follow along.
Lastly, men are baby giraffes.
Oftentimes when it comes to talking about feelings and emotions
we lack a lot of the emotional agency that women have
because we're not that experienced in it.
Recognize this and honor this and encourage a man.
If he is being vulnerable, if he's trying,
even if he's not doing a great job of talking about his feelings,
if he's making an effort encourage him and acknowledge him for that,
and really go out of your way to create a safe space.
Let him know that no matter what his feelings are
that he's not going to be judged for them and it's okay for him
to share what's coming up.
I hope you get out there and use these keys to create deeper,
more meaningful connections and communication with men.
If you like this video, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button and don't forget to click
the link in the comments and caption.
I have created a great training that's really going to help you
in your connections and relationships with men.
Thanks so much, and I'll see you next time on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.