- After the Civil War, they let the slaves go.
But the slaves still lived in the south.
So you probably ran into your ex-slave like all the time
which has gotta be the most awkward ex run-in in history.
Just like oh my God, there he is,
don't look, don't look, don't look,
don't look, don't look, don't look, hey.
How are you doing?
(upbeat music)
Like if they don't fix coronavirus,
like if we just live with it forever
and then that's it,
shaking hands will go away.
It'll go away, and when it goes away
for our grandkids, like generations and generations
past now when our grandkids shake hands
that's gonna be like third base.
You're just gonna have people after dates
like girl how was it?
She'd be like, girl,
towards the end of the day we ate,
and we had a little wine and everything
and then we just shook hands in front of everybody,
it was crazy, in public.
In public?
In public.
It just felt right.
Then her friend would be like girl, girl,
please tell me you wore a glove.
No glove.
Girl no glove, you nasty.
I know.
I know I'm nasty though.
I got to go on a date in college
which was big for me.
I went to go on,
I don't get to go on a lot of dates
because I don't know how to talk to people.
But the date was good, went to dinner,
and then went to a movie,
and then we went back to my place.
And guys, I'm gonna go there with you, okay.
I'm gonna get a little nasty, all right.
We were kissing, okay, we were kissing, all right.
But then in middle of kissing she told me
that she wanted me to choke her.
Now I don't know about you guys,
but I have arthritis in my hands.
So I couldn't talk up how I was about to choke her,
I'm about to choke her,
she's about to find out about me, you know.
So I was trying to talk up
how bad I was gonna choke her,
make her feel like she was still into it.
So I was like baby I'm gonna choke you, all right,
because that's what you want,
because that's what you need,
but it will feel like a turtleneck,
there's nothing I can do about that.
No baby, you're gonna get choked.
You asked to be choked, it's choking time okay.
I'm even shake your head
and scream at your face while I choke you,
but you will feel safe the entire time,
you will feel totally safe.
There's nothing I can do about that.
I've been trying to work out
so I can have a man's body.
I am a extra medium.
I have always wanted to be big
and it did not work out for me.
I just wanna have those broad shoulders,
you know what I mean?
Like the, like you know,
so I've been working out
but joining a gym is too easy.
I just gave them money and they let me start working out,
but I don't know what I'm doing.
So now I don't know what I'm doing next to heavy stuff,
nothing changed, I gave you $25.
Like I was trying to do some dead lifts,
just pick it up, put it back down,
build up the legs
because you don't wanna have a ripped upper body
and tiny legs.
And my legs,
if I were wearing shorts you would be distracted, okay.
You'd be like oh he might be funny
but I can't hear him past the sound of his knees shaking.
So I was trying to do some dead lifts,
just pick it up, put it back down, you know.
And so I'm standing in front of the bar
but no one even told me
that the weight had to be even on each side,
like I don't, I don't know what I'm doing.
But I'm bent in, got the legs open,
and the, over the,
trying to put my back curled,
or whatever you're supposed to do.
And then I'm gripping the weight,
I'm trying to psyche myself up
like I can really lift this weight,
and right then the most beautiful woman
walked up next to me,
I'm like now I gotta pick it up.
I can't just be like that's not mine
and then walk away,
like I gotta.
I gotta at least try to pick it up,
so I'm gonna try to pick it up
so like Eye of the Tiger's playing in my head
and like Rocky's behind me with a stroke face
like you can do it.
Like I feel like I might really be able to pick this up.
And so I go to lift it up
and the most unrecognizable sound leaves my body.
Because I go to pick it up
and immediately I'm like (screeching).
I've never.
I've never in my life made that sound before,
but I go to pick it up and I'm like (screeching)
that's not mine, and I did anyway,
I just walked away.
(audience applause)
And then I tried to redeem myself later
by working out next to her
like I make that sound all the time.
I was just doing curls next to her later like.
(screeching)
Didn't work, she just left.
Ever since I was a kid and my voice changed
I've been told by people all over the country,
people of different ethnicities,
backgrounds, I've been told by people
that I have an incredibly white voice.
That's what they say.
And people try to act like they can't hear,
but if I called and then showed up
you'd be surprised.
Even my laugh is like (laughing),
like every time I laugh
someone somewhere gets audited.
Like that's what.
But I didn't realize how white my voice sounded to people
until I was in Louisiana where I grew up
and I was running for the bus,
and the bus in Louisiana is not like the bus anywhere else,
because the bus in Louisiana comes once a year.
It's a big deal, you need to make it knees to chest okay.
The stakes are high, I don't know if the bus stops,
I've never been on it.
But I was running so fast and so hard
that I knocked down this old man,
and I mean I cleared him, okay.
Normally I'd feel bad,
but it was the closest my little body's
ever come to football, so I was pretty excited.
I was like he might be dead,
look at me go.
But I did feel bad so I let the bus go,
I helped him up to his feet,
it was this old black man
and I didn't even realize that he was blind,
until I saw his stick, so I grabbed his stick,
I put his stick back in his hand
and I was like sir, I'm so sorry, I hope you're not injured,
you know you came out of nowhere, please forgive me.
And then this old blind black men went
get your hands off me honkey.
And I was like sir.
(audience laughing)
Sir I'm black.
I'm black like you.
And he was like nice try cracker,
like there was nothing,
there was nothing I could do,
and I've never had to prove I was black before
so I got mad,
but then the madder I got the whiter I sounded.
Until a point where I was just standing in front of him
like by golly I'm black gosh darnit.
There was nothing I could do, it was terrible.
When I was a kid I'd just sit in my room
and read encyclopedias,
which is not a kid you wanna talk to.
I read a lot of history books,
just sitting in my room
read like world history, American history,
southern history, because I grew up in Louisiana,
I just wanted to know.
And one of the things I read that's always tripped me out
is that like after the Civil War, they let the slaves go,
but the slaves still lived in the south.
So you probably ran into your ex-slave like all the time.
Which has gotta be the most awkward ex run in in history,
just like oh my God there he is,
don't look, don't look, don't look,
don't look, don't look, don't look, hey.
How are you doing?
Are you mad?
Like what else.
I mean, what else you gonna do?
Actually, no lie guys,
I straight up, I had a nightmare that I was a slave,
which wasn't even the worst part of the nightmare.
The worst part is that I was
the worst slave in human history.
I was the worst, I was so bad,
I was yelling at the slave
and I was like I'm not trying to start a revolution,
I can't pick it up, all right.
No I passed out from heat stroke twice today.
You can whip me if you want but I'm anemic
so I will bleed out,
and that's on you, okay.
Oh you're gonna kill me, please kill me,
please kill me.
I would love for you, this heat is what's killing me.
I've had hay fever for two months.
And then they moved me into the house
but they didn't teach me how to read
so I don't know any recipes,
so the food is so bad that even the slaves are mad.
Like everyone is mad at me
and then I almost burned the house down
trying to boil some water, you know.
To the point where master comes up to me
at the end of the dream and he's like look,
look I don't know what to do you with, you free.
I'm actually, I can't judge anybody though,
because I am truly embarrassed
about how much I'm still finding out about the world.
You know like at a certain point
you like to feel like an adult,
and I know things, I have a base of knowledge,
and I move from there, but that's not the case.
I'm learning things every day.
This next thing, look, I didn't know.
Okay, I did not know,
please don't get mad at me, I had no idea.
I had no idea that there were people in this world,
the volume and frequency of men in this world
taking a picture of their penis
and just sending it to women, I had no idea.
It's happening every hour of every day all over the world.
They didn't ask for the picture,
they don't want the picture,
and they can't unsee the picture, you know.
But I found this out because it hit close to home,
because you ladies do a thing as well
where you'll go out, maybe it's by yourself
maybe it's with your friends,
you'll go out and you'll meet a guy
and you don't really like him.
You know what I mean,
maybe there's no connection, there's no chemistry,
you guys just aren't clicking,
I don't know what it is, but you don't really like him
so at the end of the night he asks you for your number
and you give him your number,
but you give him one number off.
You give him one number wrong, okay.
Maybe it's the first number, maybe it's the last number,
it's just not your number.
I know that, because I've been that number.
(audience laughing)
For a period of six months
there was some random woman out in the world
giving strange men my number.
And for a period of six months,
I was receiving penises in my phone, it was terrible.
I'd wake up in the morning, thank the Lord for a new day,
and then I'd do what we all do,
I'd roll over and I'd check my phone.
See what's going on in the world,
see who's thinking about me.
And there would be penises in my face.
One of the most distressing things about this
is that it wasn't even like hey what's up
it's Mark from last night, penis.
It was just straight to the penis.
Like not even seeing who I am, you know,
not even seeing how my day is going.
I lived in fear of my own phone.
My phone would buzz
and I would pray there weren't two penises in my pants.
It was so many that honestly
I had to figure out what the plural for penises was,
and I decided on peniseses.
But I think I got it to stop,
I think I got it to stop.
And this is actually a tip for you ladies
if you wanna use it,
if you want men to stop sending you
unsolicited pictures of their penis,
all you need to do it what I did,
which is a send a picture of a penis back.
They will not know what to do.
They'll be terrified.
No one is less prepared to receive a picture of a penis
then a man that just sent a picture of a penis
to what he thought was a woman.
They'll be terrified.
There's actually one where if you look at the text chain,
it's just a picture of a penis,
a picture of my penis,
and then him going Stephanie?
Well, it's hurricane season again.
This happens every year.
Every year hurricane season
hits five major states in the US the hardest,
and every year there are people
who refuse to evacuate, and then they die for no reason.
Now these are also five states
with the highest frequencies
and most outlandish cases of discrimination.
So I think I figured out how to save these people.
If you want to get these people to evacuate,
you need to stop naming hurricanes boring white people names
and name them something
that these people will actually be terrified of, you know.
No one's scared of hurricane Bobby,
I know Bobby's, Bobby's are delightful.
The Bobby I know, he bring brisket to brunch,
he is amazing.
He would never do those things
that the news said he was gonna do in my neighborhood.
You want to scare these people
you need to get on the news like
tropical storm black son-in-law
is coming down the Florida panhandle.
It's a tropical storm now,
but it could graduate to a category five mixed grand babies.
You know what I mean,
like you wanna get people,
truly you wanna get people to get out of Georgia
you can't be like hurricane Sebastian.
Sebastian doesn't even sound like he would hurt anybody,
Sebastian sounds like the worst thing that he would do
is roast you about the wallpaper.
He doesn't sound like he's gonna rip the roof off.
You're gonna have to be like hurricane woman president
is coming whether you like it or not, she's headed here.
Hurricane Erma.
I'm pretty sure hurricane Erma was one of
the least evacuated hurricanes of all time.
They didn't even respect her, you know.
Because honestly Erma sounds like
she's one fall away from not being a hurricane anymore.
You want to get these people out of Texas
you need to be like hurricane Mexican immigrant millionaire.
I be getting cat called a lot,
and this shit is terrible.
Like it is, I always knew it was bad.
I never did it, but now that it's happening to me
I can see as bad as it was,
like now that it's actually happening to me,
because basically what happened is
over lockdown I let my hair grow out, right.
And apparently from the back I'm a bad bitch.
Like there's no way around it,
it just sort of is what it is,
so then I do a thing, and I know I do this thing,
it doesn't make it my fault that I'm getting cat called
but I know I do this thing
where I post up heavy with ass on one leg, right.
So then I am standing there right,
and I'm just like posted up like this,
just like looking at the sky
or people walking by, people watching, anything.
Sometimes I'll switch it but it's mostly the right side.
And so I'll be on my right side
and then I'll just hear a damn baby girl,
and then I turn around
and then they get mad at me like I tricked them.
I'm like I wasn't doing anything,
I was looking at the clouds
like a god fearing woman, all right.
You're the one that came over here bothering me.
My friend got a new job,
and for this new job they drug tested him,
and I heard about it, I was like really?
They still do that?
Like it's the '50s or something.
Why are we drug testing people?
What is that, you know what I mean?
Like why are you checking to make sure
that I didn't have fun before I worked here?
Like all you're doing is checking
that I'm not too cool to work here, you know.
Plus if you're HR, and you can't just
tell who's on drugs,
if you need a drug test,
you shouldn't be the one hiring people.
You know what I mean, I can spot a crack head a mile away.
He's holding a hula hoop for no reason,
trying to sell rims to no car around,
yeah maybe don't give him the interview first.
See how that worked, I didn't need anybody's pee.
Because like by,
I have another friend that at her job,
they found a heroin needle in the break room.
So like you skipped like drug,
you went straight to the druggie drug, like top drug,
like this is just drugs now, you know what I mean.
So I understand that everyone was freaked out
and they found it like on the table,
like not even thrown away,
they didn't even try to hide
that they were doing heroin at work, you know.
But then she told me,
she was like yeah, so we found this heroin needle
in the break room and we couldn't figure out whose it was.
And I was like if you can't figure out
whose heroin needle that was,
that's the best person at their job.
They are not letting heroin affect their quality of work.
Either they're the best person at their job
or y'all all suck,
y'all are all doing a heroin level of job at this job.
You don't need to drug test anybody, you know.
All you need to do is get some oil, some grease,
just slicken up the floor a little bit.
Let everybody fall, okay.
Whoever take too long to get up is clearly on heroin.
All right, also if they take too long to fall.
If they slip like,
that's a heroin fall, that's your man right there.