- Yay, we're not engaged. Whoo. Just kidding
- Wow.
- I'm kidding.
- Some day I gotta ask, I gotta ask again.
- Or maybe I'll ask you.
- When you think of the first time we met,
what do you remember?
- Well, I think we often talk about that time
because I think that
I don't know it was like a really vulnerable time
for the both of us so just like the first time
I saw you was such a distinct memory in my brain
and I thought you were really cute
and I was upset about that because, you know.
After going through my process
of the divorce and stuff like that
I was not planning on meeting anyone anytime soon
or wanting to think anyone was cute.
(laughs)
- For me it was such, it was like an intersection between
me beginning my gender identity crisis,
sobriety, and even just physical wellness, you know?
It just was so important to meet you at that moment for me,
and everything in me told me, you know, like
you're not supposed to date people
in your first year of sobriety,
but technically it wasn't my first year
because I had already been sober but I relapsed,
you know, so I was negotiating with myself
around even having feelings for you.
- Yeah.
- Before I even saw you I just felt, I know it's so corny,
but I felt like something wash over me that was like,
"this is gonna be it, like a life partner of yours,"
you know, and-
- Did you know it was going to be a romantic life partner?
- I mean, I felt like it was so, yeah, yeah I did.
Yay for us.
- Yay for us.
- What do I bring that none of your other partners didn't?
- Well, you know I don't count
anything that's happened before you.
Honesty, yes. A lot of honesty.
I think a lot of my exes were just very secretive.
And that didn't provide security, obviously, you know,
and
you're earnest.
You're not afraid to say,
"I want to marry you,"
you're not afraid to say,
"I don't wanna be with anybody else."
You make a lot of bold statements
that I feel like I've always wanted.
By the time I got with you I learned to not need it anymore
so of course now I get it, you know.
That's how the universe works, but yeah.
You're just honest, you know,
and even the things
that have been tough for you to be honest about,
which haven't been many,
like at some point you really are, you know.
Like you said, you can't keep a secret and I appreciate that
because I don't keep secrets either, I don't think.
And if I, like if I do have something weighing on my heart
I feel like I can talk to you about it, you know?
- Good.
- Yeah. It is good.
Cool.
What are you hesitant to tell me? Bum, bum, bum.
- I mean I think this is interesting for us
'cause we're very, like, we're very honest with each other
all the time so I don't think this is anything new.
I think just,
I think I've been
disappointed and kind of just bummed out
at my relation to your family
and how that's kind of been hard.
- Mm-hmm.
I think I was really hurt by that though, you know?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I felt very rejected
and I didn't really have a way to,
like you know, express that to you.
I mean, it was hard 'cause it wasn't ever like bad,
it was just kind of I felt the door slammed in my face.
- Yeah, well I think you came in to my life
under a lot of pretext that wasn't yours, you know.
In terms of my family projecting a lot of ideas onto you
because of my ex and, you know?
Because it was just so quick, and they never supported that,
for a lot of different reasons, rightfully so.
And then you kinda came in and they had a breather
so I have a lot compassion for them.
And I think part of the amends
that I've been trying to make from that mis- not mistake,
but just those decisions I made in my life
has been to be more...
'cause I didn't care
about their feelings or thoughts before.
You know me. I'm just like,
"if you don't agree with how I live my life,
well, bye-bye," you know?
By which my amends with them regarding being that way
has been, really, trying to be more mindful
about their feelings
even if I don't necessarily agree with them.
- Yeah.
- But being like gentler with them, but yeah.
I think even being patient
and supportive of that process too.
- Yeah, I mean I think, you know,
I wasn't gonna originally,
I wasn't planning on telling you
about how your mom said no to me wanting to propose.
But one, I can't keep a secret so-
- Nope.
- It was really rough and two,
I felt like I had heard this narrative from you of like,
"I don't care what my family thinks.
At the end of the day it's my life. They're gonna judge me."
And so I was like, "Okay, do I go that route,
do I just say fuck it?"
And just, you know, it doesn't matter,
but there's part of me,
that I really value family.
And I really value,
you know, us coming together as families.
You know?
And so I was wanting to not,
I was just torn up about it.
- Yeah.
- You know, I was just, it was just really difficult
and it's amazing that it was the right decision though.
- Yeah.
- You know and I couldn't see that at the time.
- Uh, huh
Yeah, but I also think that it's probably been hard,
because I'm not the one that's been like,
"Yeah, lets get married."
You know, I'm not that enthusiastic about that idea.
- Yeah.
- And it's not so much because,
"Oh, I had a bad experience."
It's just I think, that like, you know,
I love what we have.
And I see it as like a business contract.
- Wow.
- I mean I do think it's like this, you know,
I think it's this spiritual thing too,
but I think I just don't see the rush in it anymore.
You know?
- Yeah, business contract.
- It is though,
that's the thing people don't want to talk about with that,
but it is, it absolutely is.
- Yeah, what do you mean by that?
- I mean, your money merges, like your,
I mean there's legalities that..
- Oh, you're saying marriage?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see what...
I thought you meant what we have right now, I'm like
- It's a business.
- I'm like, I know were starting band life business but.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, last one.
- Okay.
- If this were to be our last conversation,
what's something you never want me to forget?
- Hmmm.
- Sad.
- Uh, huh.
It is sad, a sad question.
I think about death a lot, you know.
I think we're both around a lot of death right now.
Just in our work that we do.
Like I work in the nursing home,
and you being in the memorial industry,
you know?
I mean, I know you hate it when I go there,
but I definitely, you know.
I always find myself having this weird experience,
all the time.
Like this might be that last of anything, you know?
I'm really grounded in that, I know it scares people,
but I know things can change like that.
But what I would want you to know,
is that I see you, and I always have,
even from you know.
You were most broken when I first met you,
to like your journey now.
Like I see you,
and I understand.
I don't judge you.
Yeah.
And like I just hope that you know,
that I am very happy to walk with you.
Yeah.
- It's a sad question.
It's a good one.
- Uh, huh.
Um, I think I would just,
want you to know how,
like much I think you have impacted,
not just me,
but like the people that you encounter.
I've never met someone who is so empathetic,
just everything you touch is amazing.
And like I would never want you to forget that.
Because, like I look at all of the things
that kind of you engage with and I don't know,
there's always just possibilities that come out
and creativity and love.
And just you know?
And like, you've walked through tough journeys with me.
You, wow! Walking through tough journeys of your own.
- Yeah.
- You know?
- Uh, huh.
Yeah.
- I'm sure there's a lot I would want more to say,
or for you to know.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's a good question.
- Yeah.
- Hey, it's Ashika here from The Skin Deep.
Thank you so much for being here,
and watching this conversation.
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