NOW I HAVE TO SAY, WE'RE STILL TRYING TO WRAP OUR
HEADS AROUND THE HORRIBLE EVENT THAT HAPPENED ON THURSDAY IN
OREGON.
IT'S TOUGH TO TALK ABOUT, BUT ONE OF THE THINGS THAT'S
TOUGHEST FOR AMERICANS TO TALK ABOUT IS THE ISSUE OF GUNS.
SO, WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT IN A SEGMENT WE'RE CALLING,
"AMERICA'S CONVERSATION ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT GUNS."
OKAY, STEP ONE IN NOT TALKING ABOUT GUNS IS CALLED
EXHAUSTMENT.
THIS STEP BEGINS BY OVERWHELMING US WITH NUMBERS.
>> THIS WAS THE 45th SCHOOL SHOOTING AT AN AMERICAN SCHOOL
THIS YEAR.
>> IT MARKS 142 SIMILAR SCHOOL SHOOTINGS SINCE SANDY HOOK.
>> 294 MASS SHOOTINGS THIS YEAR ALONE, NEARLY A THOUSAND SINCE
THE DATABASE WAS CREATED.
>> 380 PEOPLE HAVE DIED IN MASS SHOOTINGS THIS YEAR ALONE.
>> THESE FIGURES DON'T INCLUDE EVERYDAY INCIDENTS OF GUN
VIOLENCE WHICH THIS YEAR HAVE RESULTED IN 10,000 PEOPLE LOSING
THEIR LIVES.
>> Larry: THAT IS A LOT OF NUMBERS.
YOU SEE, BY OVERWHELMING US WITH NUMBERS, YOU DO TWO THINGS:
FIRST, YOU MAKE US TIRED. AND SECOND, YOU MAKE US FEEL LIKE
WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION.
"ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT GUNS?
THAT'S EXCITING!"
"NO, WE'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT NUMBERS.
THAT'S EXHAUSTING."
SO, YOU GIVE US EXHAUSTION AND EXCITEMENT AT THE SAME TIME.
HENCE THE TERM "EXHAUSTMENT." OKAY? THAT'S THE FIRST ONE.
STEP TWO, THE SHIFTEROO.
NOW, THIS IS A VERY TECHNICAL TERM.
IT'S WHEN YOU MIX A SHIFT WITH A SWITCHEROO.
>> GUN CONTROL ONLY WORKS FOR NORMAL, LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.
IT DOESN'T WORK FOR CRAZIES.
>> NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO: GUNS, NO GUNS, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT ARE MENTALLY ILL.
>> INSTEAD OF TINKERING WITH THE SECOND AMENDMENT, I NEVER
HEAR ANYBODY SAY LET'S TINKER WITH THE FIRST.
>> Larry: TINKER WITH THE FIRST?
WE'RE NOT ALPINE TOYMAKERS.
YOU THINK WE'RE GUYS WITH CURLY MUSTACHES TRYING TO FIX A BROKEN
JACK-IN-THE-BOX? WHAT IS THIS "TINKER WITH THE FIRST"?
BUT DID YOU SEE HOW THEY DID THAT?
THE SHIFT -- YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT GUN
VIOLENCE AND YOU MAKE IT ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS.
IT'S NOT UNIMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS, BUT IT'S
STILL A SHIFT.
THEN THE SWITCHEROO -- YOU SWAP OUT THE SECOND AMENDMENT FOR THE
FIRST AMENDMENT. AND EVERBODY IS LIKE "WHAT THE [BLEEP]?"
THE SHIFTEROO IS [BLEEP]IN' BRILLIANT, YOU GUYS.
AND WE'RE STILL NOT HAVING THAT HONEST CONVERSATION ABOUT GUNS.
NOW, THE THIRD STEP COMES AFTER THE PRESIDENT MAKES HIS SOMBER
PLEA TO AMERICA, WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, HE DOES ALL TOO
OFTEN.
SO IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO HAVE THE HONEST
CONVERSATION.
BUT NOT SO FAST!
HERE COMES NUMBER THREE,
THE [BLEEP]EROO. RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
THIS IS WHEN HATERS [BLEEP] ALL OVER THE PRESIDENT FOR DARING TO
START THE CONVERSATION.
>> I THINK HE'S DISTRACTING ATTENTION FROM
HIS OTHER PROBLEMS.
>> WELL IT WOULD BE NICE IF HE SHOWED EQUAL PASSION ABOUT
THE COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF SIX AND A HALF YEARS OF POLICY
IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
>> WHY HASN'T HE SPOKEN OUT ABOUT CHICAGO?
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG IF WHEN THERE'S A PROBLEM,
YOU TALK ABOUT THAT [BLEEP]IN' PROBLEM, RIGHT?
A CONVERSATION ABOUT GUNS INCLUDES GUNS.
A CONVERSATION ABOUT PUTIN INCLUDES PUTIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A TOASTMASTER TO KNOW THESE RULES
OF CONVERSATIONAL ENGAGEMENT.
THEN COMES STEP FOUR.
HORRIBLE SUGGESTIONS -- WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, IS THE NAME OF MY
NEW COLOGNE, AVAILABLE AT SPENCER GIFTS AND OTHER FINE
STORES.
(APPLAUSE) IRONICALLY, IT WAS A HORRIBLE
SUGGESTION THAT MADE ME NAME IT "HORRIBLE SUGGESTION."
NOW, THIS HORRIBLE SUGGESTIONS TACTIC WORKS BECAUSE THE
STUPIDITY COMING OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS IS SO JAW-DROPPING THAT
YOUR MOUTH STAYS OPEN IN HORROR, THUS PREVENTING YOU FROM HAVING
THE CONVERSATION.
>> HAVE FORMER DETECTIVES LIKE BO DIETL AND MARK FURMAN ON
EVERY CAMPUS AND EVERY SCHOOL AND YOUR SCHOOLS ARE GOING TO BE
SAFER INSTEAD OF THESE GUN-FREE ZONES.
>> GET RID OF THESE GUN-FREE ZONES.
>> GUN-FREE ZONES ARE CRIMINAL PROTECTION AREAS, AND THAT'S
WHAT WE USUALLY SEE.
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
>> Larry: MORE GUNS IS YOUR ANSWER?!
AGH! BAH!
HEAD HURTS.
JUST TO BE CLEAR, THEY'RE SAYING THAT IN PLACES WITH FEWER GUNS,
THE ODDS OF GETTING SHOT INCREASE, WHICH I GUESS IS JUST
LIKE HOW THE ODDS OF GETTING ATTACKED BY A SHARK INCREASE IN
PLACES WITH NO SHARKS.
THAT SHARK WAS IN HER LIVING ROOM --
NORMALLY, A SHARK-FREE ZONE!
NOBODY WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING!
AND HAD ALL THE PEOPLE IN THAT HOUSE BEEN PACKING THEIR OWN
SHARKS, THAT SHARK WOULD HAVE GONE NEXT DOOR!
ALL RIGHT!
(APPLAUSE) >> Larry: THAT'S WHAT WOULD
HAVE HAPPENED!
I KNOW WE'VE JUST CREATED A HORRIBLE SCENARIO FOR THE
NEIGHBORS, BUT WE'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS SHARK-FREE
ZONE.
BUT THE HORRIBLE SUGGESTIONS STEP DOESN'T JUST END WITH THE
MEDIA.
WE ALSO HAVE TO HEAR FROM A PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL.
>> IT'S VERY SAD TO SEE, BUT I RESIST THE NOTION -- AND I HAD
THIS CHALLENGE AS GOVERNOR, BECAUSE WE HAD -- LOOK, STUFF
HAPPENS.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) >> Larry: "STUFF HAPPENS,"
JEB?
I'M SORRY, ARE YOU RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OR JUST LOOKING TO SET
UP A T-SHIRT STAND AT THE BEACH?
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T GET IT!
HOW COULD YOU SAY SOME [BLEEP] LIKE THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
"STUFF HAPPENS" MAY HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.
LET'S LET HIM FINISH.
>> ...LOOK, STUFF HAPPENS.
THERE'S ALWAYS A CRISIS, AND THE IMPULSE IS ALWAYS TO DO
SOMETHING, AND IT'S NOT NECESSARILY
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
>> Larry: WOW, JEB EXCLAMATION POINT.
I'M GOING TO SAY TO YOU WHAT YOUR DAD'S BEEN SAYING TO YOUR
BROTHER FOR YEARS -- "I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU."
(APPLAUSE) LET ME REVIEW.
WE'VE GONE THROUGH ALL THESE
STEPS -- THE EXHAUSTMENT, THE SHIFTEROO, THE [BLEEP]EROO, THE
HORRIBLE SUGGESTIONS -- OUR BRAINS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.
AND FINALLY, THIS IS HOW THE DOOR ON THE CONVERSATION IS
SHUT.
BY STEP FIVE -- TOO SOON.
THE ARGUMENT THAT IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO TALK ABOUT HOW
TO FIND SOLUTIONS SO CLOSE TO A TRAGEDY.
"WHY DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW?
IT JUST HAPPENED.
CAN'T WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?"
ALL I KNOW IS, IF WE NEVER HAVE THIS CONVERSATION AND WE KEEP
THINKING IT'S "TOO SOON," WE'LL STAY IN A CONSTANT STATE OF
TOO LATE.