i'm joe list and i'm here to tell you
about
a time oh my glasses are a little much
i hate myself all right i'm taking them
off i'm here to tell you about a time
i thought i was having a threesome it
was 2007 i was 25 years old
and i had a job working at sears as well
as stand-up comedy
a lot more money came from sears if
you're not familiar with sears
it was a wildly hugely successful
department store in the 1950s i live
with my best friend
tom dustin who's also a comedian and we
were thick as thieves
i was a huge jimmy buffett fan at the
time i still am
and i got convinced that it would be fun
for tom and i
to travel to key west florida jimmy
buffett had lived there he had many
songs about it
and it just pulled me in i planned the
whole thing out we were gonna fly
to miami see what south beach is all
about and then we were gonna rent a car
drive to key west and stay there for six
days we gathered up all the money we had
for me that was one thousand dollars for
tom that was five hundred dollars
fifteen hundred dollars total the
flights and hotels had already been paid
for i had no debit card or credit cards
so i put a thousand dollars in a duffel
bag tom put it in his in his pocket we
flew to miami got drunk
on the plane of course and went to go
check out south beach florida one of the
hippest
places in all of america and uh we're
not hip guys
i had jean shorts on jorts black socks
new balance sneakers and wire rim
glasses and a dirty red sox hat that's
not a look that gets you laid down there
we had some fun day drinking
got blackout drunk day turned into night
and that's when miami gets really spicy
spanish music dance music a lot of latin
lovers
you know sex and that's when we really
thought now is our time to make some
moves
and get laid it turns out that the
ladies
in miami beach are not interested in
hearing about the boston red sox
breaking an 86 year curse so tom and i
dejected
decided to head back to the hotel and
call it a night like a miracle
out of the the magic of miami beach
three women approached us
they weren't the most attractive in fact
i'd go so far as to say
they were unattractive i mean i'm not
exactly a catch myself
they were missing teeth they seemed to
have
dabbled in the drug game at some point
most likely earlier that night they did
not look
uh well kept but when you're young and
drunk
and striking out it doesn't really
matter they walked up to us
and said hey boys do you want a party
sure
i felt excited i was like these girls
must be into my vibe
maybe jean shorts are rare down here now
often times when you're with a buddy
and you're out and you're trying to get
laid you have to kind of figure out who
likes who
who's vibing this was not an issue for
us there was two of us
and three of them one of them grabbed
tom and
they just took off tom and this lady
left for the public men's room and i was
like that a boy tom
the other two women they each grabbed me
by an arm they said what do you say we
go back to your hotel
room two women said to me why don't you
go back to your hotel room that's never
happened to me my whole life
i've never had women just invite
themselves to my hotel room
this is exactly what jimmy buffett was
talking about
walking up the beach staggering drunk
with one
lady on each arm inviting you back to
your own hotel room just like
margaritaville
we get back to my hotel i take him up in
the elevator and i'm thinking
boy it's threesome time the ladies laid
me down on the bed
it was pretty exciting things were
getting hot and heavy and one of the
women took out her uh her bosoms
as it were she pushed them onto my face
on my glasses
and just started smearing her nipples
all over my glasses
really smearing it was quite uh hard to
see through him the other woman sat at
the end of the bed
and rubbed my penis over my pants and i
thought this is a strange threesome
not great i'm sure it'll uh evolve into
something more
and at one point during that tom kicked
the door open and he said
i've been robbed that woman took me into
the bathroom
and stole all of my money and i replied
who cares i'm having a threesome tom
and i sat up and said good luck with
that he left
go find his money i guess i laid back
down where i belong
the lady smushed her breasts back up
against my glasses and the other lady
went back to touching my penis with one
hand i
hoped that she would remove my pants at
some point but i thought
why rush it we have all night who needs
tomorrow
and all of a sudden something hit them
they decided they didn't really want to
be friends with me anymore the lady
uh sat up put her breasts back in her
breast home
and then they said all right it was nice
to meet you
and they packed up and took off i just
thought man maybe it was something i
said
or maybe uh they didn't like my glasses
but who am i to say you know
they had a change of heart that happens
and then i started to think
oh man that sucks that tom got robbed at
the time i wasn't worried because i
thought i was gonna have sex with two
different women at the same time i guess
i'll have to uh
lend them some money and then just at
that moment i looked down
at my big dumb green duffel bag and the
side pocket where i had
hidden all of my money i looked inside
and sure enough
i had zero dollars to my name yep they
definitely robbed me tong came back at
that moment and he said uh
yeah they're gone they're long gone we
were in quite a pickle i had to call my
mother
and tell her that we had a party in my
hotel room because i don't want to say i
was dumb enough to think i was having a
threesome
and said i need you to wire us money she
had none so she called
my aunt who wired us money we ended up
going down to key west
and then we found if you tell that story
to people they feel bad and give you
drinks so
that kind of worked out we ended up
being heroes down in key west
and i got to be part of my own little
jimmy buffet song he hasn't written it
yet but
it felt like the kind of tale jimmy
buffett himself would tell
on a saturday night on the beach a
little uh one night i went down to
margaritaville
and had all of my money taken from me
[Music]