- So maybe your partner doesn't want you for some reason
or maybe she doesn't trust that you can change
or that you have changed
and she doesn't trust
in the potential of the relationship anymore.
She wants to leave.
And you might think in your mind
this is a bit hopeless, this is bullshit.
And what I often realize is the reason why
a lot of men cannot reconcile,
cannot save their relationship
is that they're way too tethered.
And unless you learn how to untether
you will never save your relationship.
So for those of you who are new to my channel,
you might be very confused
about what this tetheredness or untetheredness means,
but to make it simple
basically when you think about tetheredness
it's when you're doing because you want to have,
and the sole motivation and the sole reason you are doing
is because you want to have.
So here your primary motivation
for wanting to save the relationship,
wanting to have your changes
is because you want to have the outcome of reconciliation
or you have the hope of reconciliation,
and your mood will also depend on this hope or this outcome
happening in the short term
or not happening in the short term.
They haven't learned to enjoy the process
of changing, for example,
in a very intrinsic way.
So the process to them is just a means to an end.
The end is the outcome
and the process is just a means to an end
to get to the outcome.
But people who are untethered,
they operate very differently.
So, for them, the primary motivator,
for them doing something is that they do because they are.
It has become part of their identity.
They have intrinsically learned to enjoy
doing the process every single day.
So because their primary motivation here
is the process itself
and they love the process itself,
it doesn't matter if the hope of reconciling
is gonna be there or not
or if their partner is coming closer or further away.
They're still gonna keep their changes very consistent.
In fact, they might even double down on their changes
whenever their partner starts to
take the having away from them,
take the hope of having away from them as well.
Now, if you've been following my videos for a while
and you have heard this concept
of tetheredness or untetheredness,
a common misconception I see a lot of people making
about this concept
is that they think that being untethered
is just about not giving a crap about your partner,
not giving a crap about reconciliation.
And we'll talk about why
this is a major misconception later on.
But again, the concept of untethering
is not just about not giving a crap,
it's not just about letting your partner go
and not caring if she wants to divorce you,
give you space, whatever it is.
But it's untethering from that outcome
but also re-tethering yourself to the process,
so getting addicted to the process itself.
And if you don't become untethered here,
there's really five major issues
of why I say you cannot reconcile
if you don't get untethered first.
Because tethered people, one, can never be a leader.
They can never be a leader of change.
So, for example, because you're tethered,
if your partner's in a bad mood, you also get in a bad mood.
If your partner feels hopeless, you also feel hopeless.
Basically, if you look at the behaviors of tethered people,
they let whatever circumstance they're facing right now
to define what they do.
So they let external stuff define them,
what they do, what they think, what they feel, et cetera.
They're tethered to it.
But if you look at any good leaders
in whatever field you can think of,
whether it's athletics, whether it's business,
if you look at the good leaders in your life right now,
good leaders are never tethered.
Because let's say you're a leader for a company
and all your employees are feeling hopeless,
all your employees are panicking,
all your employees are having a hard time
and they're kind of running around with their heads on fire.
If you're tethered and you let people's panic
and people's hopelessness make you panicked,
then you're basically letting your employees lead you.
You're not leading your employees at that point in time.
And the same thing,
if you're letting your partner's behaviors
and thinking and feelings affect you,
affect your processes,
you're not leading that relationship.
You are letting the relationship lead you, control you.
So real leaders they don't let outside stuff
control them, influence them.
Real leaders are the people who know how to source
that inspiration from within
and they're the ones who then inspire
and lead and influence other people.
So it's the other way around here,
I hope you guys see this.
And the only way you can do this
is if you come from a very untethered state.
But again, you cannot let that hopelessness
make the captain, the leader of the ship, feel hopeless too.
Because once the captain sinks along with the crew,
the whole ship is a goner.
And the same thing here,
you have to be the leader at this point,
and the only way to be leader
is if you become untethered first.
And number two is that if you're still very tethered,
your changes will become very inconsistent.
And if it becomes very inconsistent,
it's very difficult to really believe in your changes,
to really trust in your changes.
So again, this is why we say
that tethered do so that they can have.
The untethered do because they are,
because they made it part of their intrinsic identity,
intrinsic enjoyment to the process itself.
And number three, guys,
if you're coming from a very tethered state,
whatever changes you have will seem very ingenuine,
very fake, it seem very fishy,
and it'll be very hard for people to actually trust
and want to lean into your changes
and want to believe your changes.
So I want you to imagine
you're receiving a gift from someone
but you can tell that they're giving this gift,
you're doing the act of giving you a gift
because they want to have something.
They either want your approval,
they want you to pay him back in some other favor.
So basically you can tell the only sole motivation
they want to do,
which is to give you this gift right now,
is to want something in return, to have something in return.
If you get that gift from someone like that,
can you actually take that gift
and actually welcome that gift with open arms?
You're not, you're gonna feel a bit of guilt,
you're gonna feel a bit of obligation
to want to accept that gift.
You can't accept that gift openly.
Same thing here, if you change,
but your partner can sense that you're changing
because you want to have,
your partner's gonna feel that pressure, that obligation,
that guilt of receiving that gift,
and she may not be able
to receive that gift with open arms anymore.
And another reason why your partner
can never truly trust your changes,
your actions at this point
is that whenever you come from a tethered state,
your intentions for why you do something
is not the right intentions.
Now, if your intention for doing the right things
is because you want to have
and your partner resists that doing,
if your intentions are not right,
you will start to back down.
So, for example, when I was in my early stages
of trying to reconcile my own relationship,
my partner, you know, I started to ask a lot of questions,
I started to be more curious and listen more to her story,
to her side of the story, et cetera,
to try to create a safety.
But then once I did that, my partner said to me,
"Jeff, you sound like a therapist.
You don't sound yourself.
You sound fake, you sound contrived,
you sound like you're trying to do this
just to get me back."
And because at that point in time
I was doing because I want to have,
once I got the resistance, I got scared.
Basically in my mind I was like, I got caught.
Yes, I'm not doing this because I want to listen,
because I am a listener, because I am curious.
I'm doing this because I want to give this impression
that I am listening, that I am curious.
So once she says that, "Hey,
you sounding curious is sounding fake,"
I start to get scared and I back down internally,
and this happens very subconsciously.
But I want you to think about the message
you're giving to your partner
if you back down at this point.
If let's say you've been asking all these questions,
she resists and you say, "Okay, fine,
I'll stop asking questions, then.
I'll stop listening in this way, then."
That will tell your partner that your doing, your questions
did not have the right intentions in the first place,
that you did not know why you're doing it.
You do not know what's the value of doing it.
You're just doing it because you wanna have,
not because you are.
But imagine in that moment
if I was listening and asking questions
and she resisted me,
and I said instead,
"Hey, I understand how you can see this in the wrong way,
but my intention for wanting to listen
is because in the past
I've been doing a terrible job of listening
and making you feel understood,
and the only reason why I wanna ask questions now
is that I want to finally for the first time
make you feel understood."
If I were to be able to stand strong in my intentions
of why I was doing all these things,
that'll actually start to reverse a lot of doubts she has
about my changes,
because it shows her that I have a very good reason,
a very solid reason, a very intrinsic reason
for why I'm doing my changes right now.
And number five is that
if you're coming from a tethered state,
you'll make it very difficult
for your partner to actually fall.
And the word fall here is used
because they call it falling in love for a reason, guys.
Falling in love is a falling action.
So in some of our videos we talked about the difference
between striving and falling.
Striving outcomes are the outcomes that you get
where the more willpower you place,
the closer you get to achieving that.
So imagine like lifting weights,
a really heavy barbell above your head.
The more willpower you use to lift that barbell,
the more weight you're gonna lift.
But for falling, think about sleeping, for example.
The more willpower you exert to sleeping,
the less likely you actually will fall asleep.
So in the same case here,
when you want your partner to fall back in love with you,
that's a falling thing.
So I want you to imagine here
that you're trying to fall asleep
and there's someone beside your bed pressuring you,
giving you a lot of pressure to force you to fall asleep.
Will you be able to fall asleep?
Of course not.
So if you're doing because you wanna have,
what you're doing is you're giving your partner
this pressure to fall in love with you,
to fall back in love with you.
But the funny thing is
that when you're giving her this pressure,
the likelihood that she can fall is much lower,
the same way the likelihood that you're gonna fall asleep
is much lower as well.
And this pressure you're giving
is a very subtle pressure that you're giving,
but the subtle pressure is enough
to prevent that falling action.
And the only way you can get rid of this pressure
is if you learn, again, to do because you are, not to have,
if you come from that untethered state.
And if you look at why people are so tethered,
why people's dopamine systems
are really tied to the outcomes,
it's because life and the way society runs
has really programmed you to be tethered.
For example, let's look at society's impact
and society's influence on you being tethered.
You think of books like "Think and Grow Rich," for example.
They tell you have a vision board, right?
They tell you think about what you want
and pin what you want on a vision board.
This is basically saying,
I want you to think about what you want to have
and base all your motivation, base everything you do,
the reason for doing it and your mood
on whether you're getting that thing or not.
So we've been trained
that the way to accomplish things in life is to be tethered,
but that's just a big fat lie, as we know.
But we also still can think about this
in a biological sense too.
You know, if you think about it,
there's been evidence to show
that humans have been hunting and gathering
for the last two million years.
And if you think about it,
hunting and gathering moments
are the moments, the periods of human life
where we're actually rewarded,
where it's actually good to be tethered,
because our motivation for hunting
needs to come from that short-term satisfaction
of getting the having.
So, for example, if we are hungry
but the hunger doesn't motivate us to hunt for food
right here, right now,
then we'll be very bad hunters and gatherers.
But the world has evolved since the Farming Revolution
and the Industrial Revolution
where now it doesn't actually pay off
to be tethered anymore.
For example, if you want to lose weight,
you are going to have to do the processes
for a very long time
before you get the outcome of losing weight.
If you wanna build a business,
you would have to do the process intrinsically
without getting an outcome for many many years
or even decades sometimes.
Notice that since the Industrial Revolution,
since the Farming Revolution,
there's a lot more delayed gratification here.
And if you're tethered to that short-term having,
to your circumstance,
you can never withstand the moments of having no outcomes
or having no hope for the outcomes
to actually get the success eventually.
And this is why a lot of people remain stuck
in this cycle of failures,
because they don't realize
that our human bodies have evolved for two million years
to make us tethered, to make us hunters.
But in the last couple of hundred years,
since the Industrial Revolution and so on,
has society changed to only reward farmers,
to only reward long-term thinkers,
to only reward untethered people?
So, again, if you look at this biologically,
our human bodies will always pull us
towards a state of tetheredness.
And the people who are successful in this modern day and age
are the people who can do what is not natural,
who can fight this nature to be tethered
and to be untethered.
And the last thing to understand too
about why it's so hard to untether
is what I call the rewards and punishment paradox.
So I want you to think about any bad habits
you can think of.
Smoking, eating unhealthy, not working out, et cetera.
Even emotional addictions or emotional habits
that are not good,
like getting angry, for example.
You know, if you get angry,
you get the instant satisfaction
of being able to experience that catharsis.
When you eat a cheeseburger, when you smoke a cigarette,
you get the instant hit of that nicotine right now.
But you may not get cancer,
you may not destroy your relationship,
you may not die of a heart attack
until 10, 20, even 30 years later sometimes.
So here, any bad habits you can think of
they reward you right now
but they'll always punish you much later.
But if you think about any good habits you can think of,
they'll always punish you right now
but reward you much later.
If you eat a salad, if you work out,
you may not lose that weight 'til many months later.
If you try to do the correct things in a relationship,
you may not reap the rewards until you're five years later.
But you feel when you exercise,
you feel that pain right now,
you feel the dissatisfaction right now.
So any good habits,
they punish you now and they reward you later.
So with my clients I take them
through five different stages, five different steps
of how they can program their brains and program their body
to become more untethered
so they can come from a more genuine place,
from a more proper place, from a more effective place
as they're trying to reconcile in their relationship.
Number one is cultivating awareness
of what we call the disguises of desire.
So, again, because our bodies are so wired
to become tethered,
the voices of tetheredness,
the narratives we tell ourselves whenever we feel tethered
is very compelling to us.
Because, again, the rewards are right now
but they won't punish you until much later.
So, for example, if you feel what we call
the urgency illusion,
this is the illusion that you need to do something now,
you need to say something now,
you need to actually tell your partner and get her back now.
If you don't get it now, then you will never get it.
It's a compulsion to urgently try to pull your partner back
into the relationship,
which we know if you do this
that'll actually push her further away
because it prevents her
from falling back into that relationship.
You know, when we see people falling
into this urgency illusion,
we often see that they often think
that this urgency is very right, it's very justified,
because, again, it's almost like the devil in the shoulder
is speaking to them, "Hey, here's why you should fall
into the urgency illusion,
because of all these reasons."
And that reason sounds very compelling to us.
So these voices, while they sound very compelling, guys,
you have to understand that there are,
we call them disguise for a reason,
because they're lies disguised as actually good thinking,
good advice for yourself.
So the first thing we do in our program is we teach people
what does disguise look like,
so we have seven disguises that we talk about,
and I want my clients to understand
what are the seven disguises
and what are the typical voices sounding like
and what are the lies they usually tell you
to get yourself more tethered.
And once you can spot these voices,
whenever you get these voices,
you can start to understand, okay,
what is a disguise and what is not?
And so once you recognize this disguise,
this brings to our second stage
which is I want you to be able to create
what we call thriving reinterpretations of it.
So, again, these voices,
these disguises are gonna tell us very compelling reasons
because they tell us of the immediate rewards
that we will get if we follow that advice.
But the reinterpretations here
are basically counter voices,
the devil and the angel kind of thing,
where we talk back to the voices of the disguises and say
let me tell you why those reasonings
are not really that great
and let me convince myself
of why I need to choose this untethered state
rather than this tethered state right now.
In the same way, for example, as the voices you feel
when let's say you're sitting on your couch one day
and you know you need to work out
but you're too lazy to do so.
You have all these voices telling you
I don't really need to work out,
I don't really need to do something right now,
I deserve a day off,
I'm human after all, I've had a rough week.
You have all these voices telling you don't work out.
We're basically trying to fight this to say like, hey,
let's give some more compelling reasons
to why you should work out.
Let's kill all these excuses, all these reasons,
all these really bad disguises,
and let's start to motivate ourselves to work out.
Same thing here, right?
We have all these reasons for why we should be tethered
and we have all these reasons now
for why we should be untethered.
And in our program what we do is
we not only identify for people what the disguises are
but the reinterpretation for each of the disguises as well.
And the third stage is what we call
mythologizing the process.
So basically, with being untethered,
not only are we trying to untether away
from the outcomes and the circumstance,
but we're trying to re-tether to the process.
In order for us to re-tether to the process,
we need to learn how to mythologize
and make that process into something legendary,
make it compelling for us to wanna follow it,
to want to do it, to want to get addicted to it.
So right now, for example, if I ask you,
hey, how was your day?
Odds are pretty much 100% that you'll answer that question
based on my day was good because of certain outcomes
or my day was bad because of certain outcomes.
But when have you ever said my day was good or bad
because I did a process?
Almost never, because, again, getting that dopamine hit
from checking on the outcomes and seeing the outcomes
has become something very legendary
and like a mythology to us.
We get addicted to looking at outcomes like that.
But now what we're trying to do is, okay,
while it's very compelling and very addictive
to look at the outcomes,
I want to make it more addictive,
to actually look at the process,
to actually focus on the process,
to actually think about the process.
And once we have the voices to talk back
to the tethered state
and once we have kind of our myth formed about the process,
then we want to program this stuff into our soul,
into our new identity, basically,
to make this state of untetheredness
into our natural default.
And we use a technique called auto-suggestions
and this is basically using your sense of sound, hearing,
and also your sense of sight
to really program those new beliefs into your mind.
And if you really think about it, guys,
there's a reason why we remember jingles.
There's a reason why jingles stay in our mind
for sometimes weeks on end
and why we dream in vision, in what we have seen, et cetera.
It's because sight and sound are the two senses
that are most closely linked to memory.
So we wanna use this to our advantage
when we try to reprogram ourselves
and we want to program the internal default
of being tethered,
those mythologies that you have
and those reinterpretations that you have
we wanna make that your lowest default
into a jingle in a way that you keep in your mind
and it becomes part of your lowest default.
And the idea here, guys, is to repeat the steps,
to maintain your state of untetheredness.
So, again, remember that our body's default,
our society's programming default
is to get us towards the state of tetheredness.
So we always have to fight nature to stay,
to get and stay untethered as well.
So guys, if you want to learn more
about the state of being untethered
and higher level internal shifts
like bulletproof vests, like identity shifting,
or growing your self-esteem
to eventually help you reconcile in your relationship,
to make you more genuine
and to make everything you do more effective
to allow you to reconcile in your relationship,
I want you to join me in the masterclass
in the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship
from the ground up.
In then masterclass I show you all the exact steps
that all my clients have used
to take them from a very dire state to where they are today.
So if you wanna join me in the masterclass,
click the link above my head or also down below this video.
But for now, guys, I'll see you in the next video.
(bright music)