-The women's World Cup ended last week.
Here with the highlights of the tournament,
please welcome one of our writers, Jenny Hagel, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, everybody!
The World Cup wrapped up last week, and it was incredible!
First, some teams played each other
and some qualified and some didn't -- yada, yada --
but the whole thing really kicked off
when U.S. player Megan Rapinoe
had this exchange with a reporter.
-Are you excited about going to the White House?
-[ Scoffs ] I'm not going to the [bleep] White House.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
When that happened, lesbians were like, "I love her."
And straight women were like, "Am I straight?"
[ Laughter ]
Then the team beat Thailand and Spain,
and then Megan Rapinoe sat out a game,
and everyone in America was like,
"Oh [bleep] is my girlfriend okay?"
[ Laughter ]
-Sorry, Jenny. This is great, but I thought you were gonna
go over the highlights of the World Cup.
-Seth, I'm a lesbian. These are the highlights.
[ Laughter ]
Then the President tweeted,
"Megan should win first before she talks.
Finish the job!"
And then Rapinoe scored two goals against France
and ran to the sidelines and did this.
And you know what the President said then?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, you know what the President said then?
-What? -Jack [bleep]
'cause that's the dopest comeback ever.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Last night, I tried to buy milk at a bodega,
and they were like, "We don't take debit cards,"
and I was like, "I have exact change, bitch!"
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Then, the U.S. beat England and the Netherlands
and became the world champs for the second time in a row.
And not only that, Megan Rapinoe is here tonight to celebrate!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was a great ending for straight fans.
For lesbians, it was just the beginning.
Because then, things got very gay.
Player Kelley O'Hara ran into the stands
and kissed her girlfriend,
even though she wasn't even officially out.
What a badass way to come out!
I came out in my apartment by whispering
to my straight roommate, "I think I like girls."
And then she said, "Okay,"
and then we just went back to watching "Dawson's Creek."
[ Laughter ]
Then, goalkeeper Ashlyn Harris
posted a picture of herself wearing this.
Look at that outfit! [ Cheers and applause ]
It's like she's the CEO of a company that makes lesbians.
[ Laughter ]
And then, Rapinoe rolled up to an interview with Rachel Maddow
looking like some kind of sexy Tim Burton character.
[ Laughter ]
It's like Jack the Pumpkin King had a hot gay sister.
[ Laughter ]
But don't worry -- Rachel Maddow is a professional,
and she meets high-profile people all the time,
so you can totally count on her to keep her cool.
-You -- You, um...
You're really good at talking.
I'm still so nervous.
[ Laughter ]
-Look how flustered she got!
That's how other lesbians act when they meet Rachel Maddow!
Hoo! It was truly the gayest week America has ever seen.
[ Laughter and cheers ]
Now, I just want to say, I know the U.S. Women's National Team
is not just made up of lesbians,
and every team member's contributions to the World Cup
were incredible.
But it was a big deal this week to watch the gay members
of the team be so out and proud
and unapologetic about who they are
and for the whole country to be so on board with it.
For once, Americans were into lesbians
but not in a creepy way.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
I'm a lesbian, I'm a woman, and I'm also Hispanic,
so there hasn't been a lot of great news for me lately.
But watching America go, in just a few years,
from this to this,
that makes me proud to be an American.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Jenny Hagel, everybody!