- Hey everybody, Happy Monday.
Today, we're going to talk about defense mechanisms.
What are they and why do we have them?
But before we get into that,
I know we have a lot of new people here.
Welcome!
If you have a question or concern
and you're wondering if I've talked about it before,
just hop into the search bar on YouTube,
and put in my name, Kati Morton,
and some keywords for your search
like anxiety, depression, stress, whatever.
I have over 1200 videos or so,
so chances are, I've talked about it already.
Okay, now let's get into today's topic
and let's start off by defining the term.
A defense mechanism is an unconscious psychological response
that prevents us from feeling any anxiety or upset
that can arise from a difficult or harmful stimulus.
Research shows that these defenses happen
when our amygdala is firing.
You remember our amygdala, right?
It's that bean shape part of our inner brain
that acts as our fire alarm
and it aids us in fight, flight, or freeze.
So when we feel we're in danger,
our defense mechanisms come to our aid,
even if the threat is something
that we're actually imagining.
For example, if we think our friend is really mad at us,
we don't have any evidence for that by the way,
but we just have this feeling.
And so we avoid talking to them,
only to later find out that they weren't mad at all.
So in a way, our defense mechanisms
keep us safe and happy because they prevent us
from having to deal with anything
that has the potential to be upsetting.
But as I'm sure you can see,
or at least hopefully admit,
life cannot be completely free from anxiety or upset.
Life comes with its ups and downs,
and we can't just avoid everything,
and think it's going to be okay.
That's why these defense mechanisms quickly
become unhealthy coping skills,
that after keeping us safe maybe that one time,
now they just hold us back,
hurt our relationships,
and isolate us from our loved ones.
We are all going to experience defense mechanisms
in different ways.
Some may seem way over the top for us
or feel completely out of control.
While others are really easy to use
and for some reason, they're just really comfortable.
And my guess as to why that is
is because it's what we're used to
or we saw it being used growing up.
The ones that are easy and comfortable for us
are usually familiar
meaning that we or someone close to us
used it maybe on us before.
We know when and how to use it
so that we feel better,
even if we only feel better for a very short time.
Because there are so many ways
these defense mechanisms show themselves,
I'm going to walk you through the 12 most common.
Are you ready?
Let's jump into it.
Now the first one is denial.
This is when we simply refuse to accept
that something happened.
This is most common in people with addiction
when they refuse to admit
or see that they have a problem.
They are aware that their life is in shambles
and completely unmanageable,
but they refuse to accept that,
or admit it to themself or others.
This can also happen in abusive relationships
where the person being abused
refuses to accept that it's happening to them
because maybe if they did, it'll make it real,
and mean that they have to do something about it,
and they might just not be ready yet.
Number two, displacement.
This is when we redirect our anger or upset
onto another person.
For example, if I got into a fight with a friend.
Instead of talking to them about it,
I lash out all of my anger and frustration onto Shawn.
Ugh, not so healthy, right? - No.
- (chuckles) Number three, intellectualization.
This is when we're confronted with something difficult
and instead of deal with that something difficult,
we focus all of our thoughts and energy
into the details of it,
or how we can fix it, or make sense of it,
instead of allowing ourselves
to really just feel what's going on.
An example of this would be
that when our spouse tells us they want a divorce,
we go into hyperdrive,
figuring out who should move out,
how things will be divided,
and all of the legal logistics of it,
and instead of really giving ourselves
the time to feel it.
Now the fourth defense mechanism
I wanna talk about is repression.
This is when we've taken any bad
or difficult feelings or memories,
and we push them into our subconscious,
like we dig a hole and put 'em in it,
and we cover it up
so that we truly, we don't remember what happened,
or even how we felt about it.
"What, I don't know what you're talking about?"
It's just a black hole.
And this can happen because of trauma
or anything that we just don't feel equipped to process.
And truly if you've heard me talk about this,
this is why we end up having flashbacks
and body memories later in life.
Our brain is like, "Hey, remember?
"I didn't forget about that.
"I just hid it from you so you could function,
"but now we gotta deal with it."
And so, it really needs you to take the time to process it.
And so, repression really doesn't solve anything.
Number five, projection.
And this is kinda like transference a little bit,
but it's a little bit different too.
Projection is when we place our emotions,
thoughts, or motives onto someone else.
Like if we're out at a party
where we don't really know anyone,
we start to feel nervous, uncomfortable,
maybe we even feel like a loser,
or upset that we even came.
Instead of being able to acknowledge that within ourselves
'cause let's be honest, that can be really hard,
we assume they're thinking and feeling what we are,
judging us, being mean to us.
And we may even become really upset, just in our head,
thinking, "What are you looking at?
"You don't know me!"
And we can get really upset
when truly nothing's actually happened yet.
Number six, overcompensation.
And I'm sure just by saying that,
you have some examples that maybe came to mind,
but this defense mechanism is used
when we overcompensate in one part of our lives
to make up for another area
where we feel we lack.
It doesn't even mean we actually have to lack.
It just means we feel that we do.
Instead of being okay with not being good at everything,
most of us aren't good at everything,
someone who is overcompensating
will try so hard to be really good at something else,
and put all their focus and attention on that one thing,
and allow the other things
that maybe they aren't so good at,
go hopefully unnoticed.
Because if someone noticed their deficit,
people who have this defense mechanism
would feel completely exposed
and like a total failure.
For example, someone who isn't very successful
in relationships, maybe they're never able
to get that second date,
or most people they tried to ask out say no,
they can focus all of their attention and energy
into work so that when anyone ask them
about their dating life,
like their mom or grandma or other friend,
they can point out all the things they're doing at work,
and how successful they are,
trying to hide the fact
that they're not really successful at relationships.
Number seven, regression.
Now this is when we revert back
to a child-like way of coping.
This is a lot like the emotional and maturity
that I talked about recently.
People who are emotionally immature
are usually acting out of this defense mechanism.
Instead of communicating how you feel,
someone who is acting out of regression
could call you names, throw a tantrum,
or pout, and storm off.
Number eight, reaction formation.
And this is when we act
in complete contrast to how we feel.
I call this the middle school crush.
You know, when you like someone,
you really like them a lot,
you pick on them and call them names,
maybe chase them during recess,
acting the opposite of how you feel.
But a more relevant example would be
when you really want that promotion,
you want it so bad,
but when someone asks you about it,
you act like the promotion is stupid,
you haven't even thought about it.
"Oh, I didn't even, that didn't even come to my mind.
"I don't even know why you brought that up."
Like it's just not safe to feel how you feel
and put that hope and excitement out there.
Number nine, rationalization.
And this is just like it sounds.
We even come up with excuses for something we did
and in a way, we explain it away.
For example, let's say you're out with friends,
and you get overly angry at one of them,
so much so that the whole table goes quiet.
Everyone looks at you 'cause you shouted,
you got really mad,
and instead of apologizing for what you did,
instead, you say,
"God, if you haven't been so rude, Julie,
I wouldn't have had to get that loud
"or angry towards you."
In a way, you're pushing the blame onto someone else,
making your reaction seem completely rational,
even if it really wasn't.
Or if you take something of your sister's without asking,
you could say, "Well, she has so many clothes anyway.
"It's not gonna be that big of a deal to her."
Those are ways we kinda rationalize
unhealthy behavior on our part.
And number 10, sublimation.
This is when we channel any upsetting emotions,
unacceptable impulses, or unmet needs
into something more acceptable.
For example, if we feel a lot of anger or rage in our life,
we may take up a boxing class, or join a sports team,
putting all that anger into that activity
can sort of hide it for a while.
And if this defense mechanism is used
when we truly don't have any control over a situation,
like we're at work and we can't really lash our right now,
or like now is not a good time
to really scream at that person
which usually is not a good time to scream at anybody,
but if we don't have a healthy
and easy way to deal with it,
this defense mechanism's actually okay
and can be healthy.
However, if it is used as a way
to avoid dealing with how we feel,
and we're unable to move forward,
then it's problem, so just be careful with this one
because it can be beneficial at first
when we don't have a way to process something
or deal with it in the moment,
but we can use a defense mechanism,
and then we should process it.
And if it prevents us from processing ever,
and we're just doing this,
that's when it's an issue.
And number 11 is dissociation.
You've heard all about this one,
but this is when our situation
becomes too much for us to deal with,
and we have to disconnect from ourselves
which is depersonalization,
or disconnect from our reality, derealization.
And in a way, we're kinda pulling the rip cord,
(yelping) and jumping out of our life,
and into a dream-like world where we feel safer.
Many people report feeling like you're in a fog,
or moving in slow motion,
or even watching yourself,
you know, like an out-of-body experience.
And number 12, passive aggression.
I wrote about this a lot in my book,
but this happens when we don't have the tools or knowledge
to express how we feel
so instead, we passively show our upsets.
For example, instead of telling our friend
that we were hurt by what she said and talk it out,
we just show up late to our dinner date,
keep her waiting, or flake out at the last minute
because something came up.
People who act in passive aggressive ways
will do their best to create a situation
that makes us just as upset or even more so
than they were.
But they do all of this
without even telling us they're upset.
They'll often just say like, "I'm fine, it's okay.
"Don't worry about it"
when then they're really not fine,
they're not okay, and they want you to worry about it.
Obviously, there are so many
more defense mechanisms out there
so feel free to leave any others in the comments down below,
but I want you to know that the only way
to prevent ourselves from acting out
in any of these defense mechanisms,
trust me, we all use them from time to time,
I'm just as guilty as you are,
is first to notice which ones you use,
and be aware of the signs that you're using it.
Next, and the hardest part,
is to work to fight back against the urge
and instead, talk to people.
Communicate when we're upset,
talk about what caused it,
and how we would like to move forward.
Be open to being vulnerable
and trust me, your relationships will get so much better.
True and open communication is key
to a healthy and happy life.
So give it a try even if you have to practice
what you wanna say beforehand.
Just make sure you speak your truth
and share what's going on with those
that you're in relationships with.
It can truly change your life.
Thank you so much for watching
and I will see you next time.
Bye!
(smooth jazz music)