- It was frustrating.
Mohammed is the most popular name in the world,
but I can't find one key chain with my name on it anywhere.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat instrumental music)
I remember I was being questioned in London, right.
I'm waiting for him to come in and question me, right.
And I'm sitting there
and I notice there's a poster on the wall
and there's a dog on this poster,
and the dog has a passport around his neck.
(audience laughing)
And the headline of the poster says,
"Get your pet citizenship today."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "This bitch can get her citizenship in a day."
And she was smiling at me like, "Hey! I got a passport."
Just dangling there.
I was like, I was really wildly insulting.
I said to myself, "You know what?
"When I get back to Houston,
"I'm gonna call immigration.
"I'm gonna use my super white voice
"'cause that's how I get shit done over the phone."
(audience laughing)
I use a super white voice on the phone to get late checkouts
and whatever I want over the phone.
That's what I do.
I'm serious. (audience laughing)
So I call up immigration and the lady answered the phone
with an attitude right out of the gate.
She was like, "Hi. Hi, INS.
"What can I do for you today?"
I was like, "Hi, um.
(audience laughing)
"Yes, hi, uh, I've been in the States, I don't know,
"about 17 years at this point and I'm trying to see
"if I can speed up my citizenship process."
She goes, "Okay, baby, let me look up your file here.
(audience laughing)
"What's your last name?"
I was like, "Oh oh oh, my last name?
"My last name is Amer, huh.
"A-M-E-R.
"It's almost like America without the ica." (laughs)
(audience clapping)
"Oh, that's cute, baby. That's real cute.
(audience laughing)
"But what's your first name?"
"My first name?
(audience laughing)
"My first name is Mohammed." (laughs)
"Oh, quit playing, baby.
"No, really, what's your first name?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "That is my first name."
She's like, "Oh, you ain't gonna get your citizenship, baby.
"Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.
"Please hold."
I was like what the fuck just happened to me?
This lady puts me on hold,
and the hold music was,
♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪
♪ Never ♪
(audience laughing)
And then she picked up the phone real quick and goes,
♪ Awoo woo woo ♪
And hangs up.
I was like aw, shit. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
- But I'm Middle Eastern.
I didn't think you were allowed to.
Like you know what I mean?
Middle Eastern, you can't, you can't...
Like you can't tell your dad, like you know what I'm saying?
Like, you can't have feelings.
Your dad be like, "What?"
You know what I mean?
My dad, Lebanese, would be like, "What? Your feelings?"
Like that kind of...
You gotta understand.
My parents were born in Lebanon
and they moved to Windsor, right.
I was born in Windsor, Canada.
That's where I was born.
They taught me only how to speak Arabic
and sent me to school.
Do you know how crazy that...
(audience laughing)
That's psychotic.
I knew I was like...
I went to kindergarten, didn't know no...
My dad dropped me off and he goes, "Okay, man.
"Have a good day."
And drove off.
That's the first time I heard English.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
Do you know how crazy that is?
I'm like, "Come back with that language!"
He sent me inside.
The teacher showed me a picture of an apple.
I didn't know how to say it in English.
I dunno.
So I answered in Arabic.
I go, "Tafaha."
That's what I said.
Scared her. She was like, "What is that?"
(audience laughing)
She looked at me weird, right.
And you know when you're bombing you just get louder.
So I go, "Tafaha! Tafaha!"
I just kept saying it and scaring all the other kids.
And this is the '80s when immigrants weren't cool at all
so I just looked like a weirdo.
This teacher calls my dad and she goes,
"Mr. Merheje, we think your son is deaf and blind."
That's the fucking school system that I was brought up in.
My dad one-upped her crazy and goes, "Who told you?"
And hung up the phone.