Thank you guys for coming to the show.
My name is Joe Wengert. I'm very comfortable.
[laughter]
Uh, in earth tones.
What do you guys need to know about me?
Well, I'm a work in progress.
And one thing I'm trying to work on right now
is I'm trying to have normal interactions
with people that I know when I see them in public
and I did not expect to see them.
[laughter]
That's a trouble area for me.
So I saw my friend, Jake, earlier today.
I knew I was going to see Jake today.
I don't know if I'll see Jake tomorrow!
But hopefully, if I do, I'll just be, like...
hey, man, what's up?
Because that's appropriate.
It would inappropriate if I see him and I go
I'm just going to go get some mac and cheese
real quick before therapy.
No, he doesn't need to know all that.
I'm just going to go get some mac and cheese
from this place called Koo Koo Roo real quick before therapy.
I don't need to put the burden of that information onto him.
But the sad fact of the matter is, ladies and gentleman,
this is something that I have recently said
to a real human being.
And to make matters worse, it was not my friend, Jake.
It was a girl. She was in a yoga outfit
because she knows how to take care of herself.
She was like "hey, Joe, how's it going?"
I was like, oh, I'm just going to get some mac and cheese
real quick before therapy.
Because I'm a [bleep] monster.
[applause]
I was proud of myself when I started going to therapy,
but I also felt a little bit of shame
because of how I found my first therapist,
and this is what I did.
I went on the website for my insurance provider,
and I looked up all the therapists in my neighborhood.
So far, normal.
You know how I picked a therapist
from that group of names?
Funniest name!
Funniest name.
That's not a mature way to make that decision.
And that's why the first time I sat down to talk with somebody,
I sat down with Dr. Mark Barkopolis.
Because I was like, in my mind, he sounds like
he's going to be a giant, anthropomorphic dog
who is also of Greek descent.
[laughter]
I'm sitting there, laughing alone in my apartment.
Like hey, I came here to learn
how to better express my emotions,
not to toss around this old lamb bone, Dr. Barkopolis.
Um, I do have a practical tip
for anyone who is in therapy right now.
Um, if you wear a wig
to therapy, and then, a couple minutes into it,
you're, like, JK, and you take the wig off...
He's still going to want to talk about it.
[laughter]
For, like--for most of the session.
It will dominate that session.
He'll be, like, why did you do that?
These behaviors are significant.
So if you haven't been able to tell at this point in my set,
I'm a single person.
But I'm feeling ready to jump back into the dating scene,
but I have a couple of questions
that I need to have answered first.
I was hoping one of the women here tonight
might be able to help me.
Ma'am, will you help me with
one of the questions that I have?
It--don't be afraid. I'm a jellybean.
You'll be fine, okay? This is not even comedy now.
I just need a friend. I just need an honest answer.
You got it? Okay, so here's the thing.
How long should a guy wait
before he shows a girl all of his
Princess Diana stuff?
- A while. - A while?
All right, I've been doing it wrong, then.
I need to cool my jets.
Because I usually lead with my Princess Diana collection.
Because it's good.
I like to do that joke early,
where you guys are still, like, "that might be real."
So...