Perseus, a la Shmoop.
Greetings all. As I'm sure you know, I am
Perseus, founder of Mycenae <>, first and best of all Greek heroes...
...despite what that hack Heracles <> seems to think.
In any case, I've decided to take a break from my glamorous job as a constellation
to set the record straight on a certain incident in my past.
It seems that my old enemy, Medusa, has circulated a video
on Youtube which makes me seem like the monster instead of her.
To my amazement, some people actually believe the nonsense she's spouting and can't see
through the fact that she's just trying to sell copies of her terribly written memoir.
Medusa tries to make it sound like she was an innocent victim
whom I brutally murdered for my own glory.
Let's clear one thing up right now: Medusa was a horrible monster and deserved to die.
Sure, I decapitated her on a dare from King Polydectes <>,
who was trying to get me out of the way so he could marry my mom.
But I didn't just kill Medusa because Polydectes told me.
She really was a problem.
She was so bitter about being turned into a Gorgon
that she loved nothing better than turning people into stone.
I really deserve a lot of credit for taking that chick down. It was no easy task.
First I had to find these nasty hags called the Graeae <>.
And when I say nasty, I mean nasty.
These ladies only shared one eye between them.
Can you imagine putting an eye into your socket that'd been in someone else's?
I still get skeeved out just thinking about it.
They also only shared one tooth, which is almost even grosser.
The hags weren't that helpful at first, but after I held their tooth and eye hostage,
they told me what the next step of my journey should be.
They told me I need to go see this nymph chick,
which turned out to be a great idea... for a lot of reasons.
Mostly because the Nymphae <> helped to hook me up with all kinds of useful Medusa
slaying items, like Hermes's winged sandals...
Oh, and by the way, despite the rumors Hermes has been spreading, my feet do not stink.
The nymphs also gave me the kibisis <>,
this awesome sack that couldn't be corroded by Medusa's vile blood.
After that, I was off to find the nasty sea cave that Medusa called home.
Really, it wasn't too hard to find because of all the yard art.
Before I entered the monster's lair, Athena popped in to give me an ultra shiny shield,
advising me to only look at Medusa through its reflection.
Athena gives the best tips.
So, I flew into the cave, peeking around corners like mamma Athena told me,
and I couldn't believe my luck when I saw Medusa asleep.
It's true that I was faced with a bit of a moral conundrum here.
Should I wake the monster up, or should I kill her in her sleep?
You guessed it. Noble hero that I am, I did the right thing...
I walked boldly up to her and hacked off her ugly head before she could open her warty eyelids.
Even though Medusa tries to make me look bad for doing this in her book,
it's clear to everyone that the humane thing to do was
to put her out of her misery before she even knew what hit her.
Wasn't long before I was soaring through the
sky with her head stuffed in the kibisis.
Little did I know that my adventure wasn't quite over.
I should've figured, though.
What hero's quest is complete without rescuing a smokin' hot babe?
Her name was Andromeda <>, and her parents had chained her to a rock
for the sea monster, Cetus <>, to eat.
It seems they'd managed to tick off Poseidon, and watching Andromeda be devoured was the
only thing that would make the sea god happy.
Yeah, he's kind of twisted.
Medusa's head made my job really easy here.
All I had to do was zip down, show the monster
her ugly mug, and BAM!...he was a big hunk of rock sinking to the bottom of the sea.
See, Medusa! I used your head for good. I saved an innocent maiden, the perfect maiden
I would one day make my wife.
After that, I continued to use Medusa's head for good. I petrified Andromeda's creepy Uncle
Phineas who was trying to marry her. And I also used it to petrify creepy King
Polydectes whom I found trying to force my mom to marry him when I got back home.
So there you go. Point proven. I'm a true hero, and that's that.
Clearly Medusa is just trying to make me look bad
to sell more copies of that rag she calls a memoir.
Let my unblemished reputation as the perfect hero shine on forever,
with as pure a light as the stars of which I'm now made.
Oh, and if you want, you can by my memoir on Amazon for $8.95.