- For those of you at home watching,
everyone in my audience is here
because they're a first-time expectant mom.
Congratulations to all of you.
[cheers and applause]
Aw! [cheers and applause]
You all have little tiny babies inside of you.
Please keep them there until the end of the show.
[audience laughter] If you can.
Congratulations, really. This is so beautiful.
I know a lot of people will do anything
to get tickets to get to this show.
This is commitment. This really is, so--
[audience laughter] Thanks for wanting to come here
that bad that you got pregnant to be here.
[audience laughter]
Today really is one of our most unique shows.
We have 300 pregnant women here,
which is more estrogen in this room
than in a Tijuana pharmacy.
[audience laughter]
And I want to say, you look fantastic.
All of you look fantastic. Motherhood is, uh--
[cheers and applause] Glowing.
[cheers and applause]
Motherhood is a beautiful experience.
It's not physically or mentally or financially,
but-- [audience laughter]
In every other way, it's beautiful.
Of course, I'm going to give you some nice gifts
while you're here today.
[cheers and applause]
And by "nice," I mean "expensive."
And, uh-- [audience laughter]
But you know, you've already been given
the greatest gift of all.
Big boobs.
So-- [audience laughter]
Just for a little while.
I know being a mom is not easy. I want to help you out.
I asked my Facebook followers to post questions
that they had about being a parent,
and I'm going to answer them for you right now.
I should say I'm not an expert on motherhood,
but I have parked in an expectant mother spot.
So-- [audience laughter]
That should do something. Thank you so much, Pete.
All right, Laura V. asks:
"My 1-year-old just started teething and won't stop crying.
What should I do?" I do know this one.
You put your finger-- a little bit of rum,
on the tip of your finger, [audience laughter]
and then you pour the rest in a big glass and drink it,
and then-- [audience laughter]
That's the most important thing.
You won't hear them. [audience laughter]
Jane C. asks, "What's an example of a good celebrity mother
and a bad celebrity mother?"
There are a lot of amazing celebrity mothers out there.
Jennifer Garner is a great mother.
Jessica Alba, Mila Kunis.
As far as bad celebrity mothers, I have to say,
Shaft. He's a bad mother.
[audience laughter]
Shut my mouth?
- [laughs]
- Talking 'bout Shaft, y'all.
Maria M. asks, "My 17-year-old daughter is sexually active,
"and I'm not ready to be a grandma.
How can I make sure she doesn't accidentally get pregnant?"
You can make sure she only dates women.
That's the-- [audience laughter]
That's the--all I got. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
I don't know. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
Sufi R. asks, "My son is a biter.
"Are there any books you can recommend
that deal with this issue?"
"Fifty Shades of Grey." [audience laughter]
[audience laughter]
Gina S. says, "Sorry for the long question, but here goes.
"As a new parent, I love shopping online at Target.com.
"They offer everything you love from Target:
"great prices, exclusive products,
"subscriptions and easy in-store pickup.
"What's the best way to give new parents a chance to experience
the convenience of shopping whenever and wherever you want?"
Well, thank you for that detailed question.
[audience laughter]
What a coincidence that you would ask that,
because I was just about to give everyone in the audience
a $250 Target gift card.
[loud cheers and applause]
tWitch has had his entire body waxed,
when he had to get ready for "Magic Mike."
So he waxed his entire body,
so if you multiply that times a billion,
I'm told that's what childbirth feels like, so--
[audience laughter] - Right, right, exactly.
- You must know what that kind of feels like now.
- Yes, much respect. Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
[audience laughter]
- I have to point out also,
all the babies that were in the audience
in the mothers' bellies last Mother's Day are on this wall.
Not all. These are some of them.
Look how precious all those-- and they're happy,
'cause they were here in the audience.
[audience laughter]
Laughing and dancing and list-- they're adorable.
So we'll change them throughout.
That's not all of them, that's just some of them.
And if your baby is cute enough,
we'll put them up there... [audience laughter]
as well--only send us the cute ones, please.