So 2021 has already been a very eventful year.
Joe Biden became president.
GameStop is now worth a zillion dollars, or zero dollars.
I stopped paying attention.
Tom Brady got the all time most Super Bowl wins.
Donald Trump got the all time most impeachments.
[LAUGHTER]
But one of the biggest events is still to come.
And of course, I'm talking about the Shamrock Shake season
at McDonald's.
That's going to be--
oh, here it comes in March.
No, no.
I'm talking about the Olympics, of course.
They were postponed from last year.
And now, they're only a few months away.
This year, they're in Tokyo, which
I believe is a-- it's a tiny little country next to Japan.
Is that correct?
And because of the pandemic, they
are going to be different this year.
Just this week, they announced that the audience
will have to be silent.
They will not be allowed to chant or cheer.
It's the same rules that the audience has at Judge Judy.
No matter how badly she burns the plaintiff,
you cannot react.
[LAUGHTER]
But some people are still questioning
whether the Olympics should even happen at all
or whether more precautions should be in place.
So I came up with a few ideas of my own
to help keep the Olympics safe.
First of all, you know those masks they wear for fencing?
This year, everyone should wear them.
[LAUGHTER]
Secondly, anyone competing in the javelin
should carry the javelin in front of them at all times.
That'll keep people away from a distance.
And you might say, but Ellen, won't someone put an eye out?
No, because they're going to be wearing those fencing masks.
I have thought of everything.
Don't question me.
Thirdly, I know that warm water kills viruses.
So instead of an Olympic sized swimming pool,
they should hold all the Olympic events in a giant jacuzzi with
the [? jets ?] [? going, ?] which will make it more fun.
I've also noticed that a lot of sporting events
have cardboard cutouts of fans in the audience.
But why is that just for the fans?
I mean, at the Olympics, there are some events
where you could replace the athletes with the cardboard
cutouts like the long jump.
They can take a cardboard cutout of each contestant.
Are they called contestants?
I don't know.
Anyway, they launch it from a catapult
to see who goes the farthest.
There are even some events that they could have on Zoom,
like synchronized swimming.
As long as they time it right, it should work.
They set up a computer and then some TV monitors in the pool.
And then, they get an extension cord and plug them in.
You know what?
I did not think this one through.
Strike that.
That doesn't go on the record.