"Just do it!"
"Do it!"
Shia LaBeouf, 2012.
(jazzy music)
♫ Whine about it
♫ Whine about it ♫
- Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai,
and this is "Whine About It," a weekly video series
where I get drunk at my desk and complain about stuff.
On this week's episode, reasons mornings
are the absolute worst.
Because morning people were created by the devil
to spread sin and evil.
And I'll never be awake enough to deal with that shit.
But first, let's drink.
(upbeat music)
- Ew, that's a strong one.
(groaning)
Ew okay, that's enough.
Alright, first of all mornings are just a daily reminder
that I have responsibilities that I have to take care of,
which I spend a lot of time trying to forget about.
And every time my alarm clock goes off,
it's just like "beep beep you have a job,"
"beep beep you have bills to pay,"
"beep beep you have a drinking problem
"that your mom keeps telling you
"you should seriously consider addressing,
"but you just don't feel like it."
I just don't need that kind of pressure in my life
before my eyes are even open.
Why can't I agonize over all my life problems
at like 3 pm instead?
It is cruel and unusual punishment to expect me
to be awake and presentable to the world
moments after I get out of bed.
I can barely pee in the toilet, let alone face
the (bleep) world.
Next, the human body just isn't built for mornings,
or not this one.
You ever see what I look like in the morning?
My breath smells, my hair is (bleep),
and my eyes look like the bottom of an empty jar
of grape jelly.
Just raw, like a goopy new born baby.
My body isn't ready to confront the world,
until I've had at least three cups of coffee,
cereal, a nap, and lunch.
Then you can (bleep) deal with me, because I'm not
doing shit before that.
Also, getting out of bed is already struggle enough.
I have enough shit to do before I even take the covers
off my face.
I gotta check Instagram, Twitter, Facebook,
Instagram again, that's all stuff I gotta do
before I even get out of bed.
Before I even open my eyes, I gotta check all those things.
My bed is like a warm, toasty oven, and I'm the delicate
flaky pastry inside.
You wouldn't take a delicate flaky pastry out of
its warm toasty oven, while he's in there being all warm
and delicious and flaky.
No, you wouldn't, you'd let him sit in there.
You would let him be.
Why get out of bed, when you just lay there forever
until you shrivel and die.
Next, morning people are just the worst.
They're just the (bleep) worst.
Congratulations, you got up at six am,
and flailed your sweaty thighs to an 80's work out DVD,
while I face (bleep) my pillow for an extra three hours.
Well joke's on you, because me sleeping is better
than anything you'll do with your whole (bleep) life
while you're awake.
Okay?
Also, morning people are always saying how much
(bleep) shit they can get done before everybody
else wakes up.
"Oh, I can go to the bank."
"Oh, I can mail all my letters."
"I can clean my apartment."
That's what they always say.
You know when I clean my apartment?
Three minutes before anyone comes over.
You know, just in a drunken, naked,
sweaty hurricane.
Clothes are going everywhere, my ass is hanging out,
not in the (bleep) damn morning,
that's for (bleep) damn sure.
Finally, everything is just better at night.
Even breakfast is better at night.
You think I wanna eat breakfast while the sun is out?
When everybody can see me jamming a whole waffle
into my face, while hot syrup runs down my chin?
I wanna eat my waffles in the cover of darkness,
under the moon, like a hungry waffle jackal.
Just howling in the night.
In conclusion, mornings are full of shit,
and I don't have to (bleep) deal with it if I don't want to,
so you can go (bleep) right off, mornings.
Alright everybody, thank you for watching this week.
As always you can find our videos every week,
on "WineAboutIt.Tober.com,"
and my page which is Facebook.com/BuzzfeedMatt.
And you can find our videos on YouTube
on Buzzfeed video.
And that's about everything, that's all of it.
It's about time I go back to bed I think.
♫ Wine about it
♫ Wine about it! ♫
- Ahh.
Boom, set, we're done.
Turn it off!
Did you turn it off?
- [Voiceover] No.
- Okay, I think we're done.
- [Voiceover] You sure?
- I don't know, maybe I'll get funny.
You never know, you never know.