-I was running a bit behind today,
so I thought if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now. Is that okay?
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's Thursday. -Thursday.
-Thursday is when I write out my thank-you notes.
-Yeah, Thursday is thank you note day.
-Yes. That's correct, it is. Yeah.
James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
[ Melancholy music playing ]
He's always in a good mood.
-Wow. -He's always in a good mood.
-It is like he's wishing you happy birthday with his eyes.
[ Laughter ]
[ Melancholy music playing ]
-Thank you, "Ad Astra",
for looking like a great sci-fi movie
but sounding like a new 24-hour allergy medication.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Ask your doctor about "Ad Astra."
-May cause sneezing.
[ Melancholy music playing ]
Thank you, Sean Spicer's debut
on "Dancing with the Stars" -- -Oh.
-For looking like a highlighter going through a mid-life crisis.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-How about neon green? -What is going on?
-God. Oh, my God.
[ Melancholy music playing ]
-Thank you, Bernie Sanders,
saying he'll release his medical records.
Or, as Bernie put it,
"And you thought the Mueller report was long.
I've been alive since 1863!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Melancholy music playing ]
-Thank you, people who say "autumn" instead of "fall,"
for being the same people
who won't stop talking about traveling abroad
in Bar-the-Lona.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Come on. -Come on.
-Barcelona.
"Oh, we had such a great time in Bar-the-Lona."
[ Laughter ]
[ Melancholy music playing ]
Thank you, 25th anniversary of the TV show "Friends" --
[Cheering and applause]
Or the 26th if you're counting that year
that we were on a break!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Nice call back.
-Thank you.
[ Melancholy music playing ]
Thank you, people singing the national anthem
at sporting events,
for answering the question,
"What would it sound like to hear 30,000 people
mumble the word 'ramparts'"?
[ Laughter ]
O'er the... [Mumbling]
What's a -- What's a rampart?
-Rampart? -What's a rampart?
-Do you know what a rampart is?
-It's like a, uh, ramp...
that leads up to a battlement.
-No, that is not true. -What is it?
-I do know what it is. No, it's for real.
-Is it part of a ramp? A ramp part?
-No.
Rampart, one word.
"O'er the ramparts we watched." Right?
-Right. Yeah, sure.
-It's a protective wall around a fort.
-Yes, that's usually at a raked angle.
[ Laughter ]
-That's true, but I mean --
[ Laughter ]
-To deflect cannon shells. -Yes, that's correct, but it --
-More the angle the wall, the thicker the cannon shells.
-Yes. So you're saying it is a ramp?
-A ramp -- a part of a ramp.
[ Laughter ]
I thought it was "Rampart: First Blood."
Is that not it? -No. That's just --
No, "Rambo: Last Blood."
-I just lost 10 grand.
[ Laughter ]
-You got to stop gambling. -To James.
-Bet James 10 grand. -You bet James $10,000?
-Yeah. I feel like a fool.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Melancholy music playing ]
-Thank you, President Trump,
for holding a rally in New Mexico.
Or as you would first put it, "Wait, there's a new Mexico?
We have to build a wall now!
[ Applause ]
We have to build --
We have to build a rampart.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
We got to build a rampart..." -A virtual rampart.
-"...that fries eggs."
-"It is a virtual wall." -"Fries eggs and bacon.
[ Sizzling ]
Very loud wall.
A sizzling wall."
[ Laughter ]
[ Melancholy music playing ]
Thank you, motion-activated bathroom lights
that randomly turn off,
for making me feel like I'm landing a 747
with my pants around my ankles.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Come on. Turn it back on. -Come on!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-You have to stand. -What was that?
[ Laughter ]
[ Melancholy music playing ]
Thank you, restaurant checks that show suggested tip amounts,
for basically being a multiple-choice question
that asks, "How cheap are you?"
Thank you very much. Those are my thank-you notes.